randumb shit

I once trained this woman named Sylvia. A nice enough lady with nothing that really stood out about her except for the fact that she was a heavy smoker. She had that "Newport Throat" and would take breaks once an hour to go to her car and light one up. She would also call out often(one the things that eventually led to her termination) but other than that she was just another employee.
One day she came in and she looked a little down so I asked her if she was OK. She said she was fine but then proceeded to tell me about her daughter's husband and how he'd died the night before. Apparently it was sudden and everyone was still in shock. A reasonably healthy 30year old with no signs of trouble just died. I pressed for further details and right before she started sobbing uncontrollably, she gave me one detail that still troubles me to this day. He died on the toilet.
After she calmed down Sylvia told me of how she'd gone to her daughter's house the night before to have dinner with the family. She kept stressing how everything was normal. They ate, fellowshiped, and at the end of the night, she left. Just a normal night. By the time she arrived at her home tho, her daughter was calling her pleading for her to come back because something was wrong. She said her husband had gone to the bathroom and never came back out.
So they called the ambulance, they came out and it turns out that Sylvia's son in law had indeed passed away having a bowel movement.
So what does this have to do with me? Why am I even putting this story in my blog. Well, sometimes people will tell me shit or I will hear something on CNN or Discovery and it will stick with me. Like, I know that when you are having a stroke that your grip is affected and you wont be able to make a strong fist. I test my fist strength from time to time just to make sure I'm not stroking. Anyway, Sylvia told me that she was going to get more information on exactly why her son in law died and I was waiting with baited breath to get that. Guess what! She got fired later week and I never found out what happened to that guy!
Now everytime I have to take a shit, I wonder if I will die on the toilet.

my obligatory blog entry

What is going on with me? Not much. On the verge of a significant promotion or a big move. On the edge of a meaningful relationship or a waste of time. Seems I am always on the edge or something. Like I can never really reach my full potential because i never see anything through. I am always just short of something. Sometimes I feel I truly embody the old adage "Jack of all trades but master of none"

And you know where I think this comes from? It's the Zodiac! I was born on September the 22 1978. Most people will tell you that this makes me a Virgo but there are some Zodiac calendars that would label me a Libra. I am on the cusp. Even the powers that be were a little undecided when it came to my sign. Seems that I was destined to be a little scatter brained.

It's like, I am messy but I need everyone else to be organized. I am always procrastinating but I insist everybody else be proactive. Just a ball of confusion. And I have no clue how to fix this......and I am not even sure if I want to.

After all these years of bullshitting at my job....

Ya boy is finally doing some work! I have mixed emotions about this. I mean, on one hand I was bored with my job and I hated coming here everyday but the good thing was the fact that I was able to get online whenever I wanted to. Now, I cant even think about getting online(even tho I am online right now....) because there seems to always be something for me to do. It's alright tho because at least now I feel appreciated and I feel like I am really doing something that matters. The thing that I am really excited about is the idea that these new responsibilities will segue into a new job title and maybe in a new career direction. Things are good.

My *boy's* birthday was on Tuesday and I was having a really hard time trying to decide what to send him. I was going send him a gift card to some book store or something but then my friend suggested that I instead send him some real money. That suggestion didn't sit well with me. Why? I can't say but there was most definitely a block when he said that. And the thing is, he needs the cash way more than he needs a gift certificate since he is moving in a week or so. I just feel like sending *special* people money could send a bad message. I don't want anyone to be dependent on me. Ideally, any relationship that I get in, I would want my partner to be an equal partner so that I would be able to give support as well as receive. At this point, that aint the case. Homeboy is barely making it and I am in no way judging him cause I know that he is working toward some things and right now he is just trying to get some things together. And it's not like he has even done anything that would make me think that he is trying to use me. Matter of fact, he has actually done just the opposite and shunned any help that I have offered. That means that it aint him.....it's me. What is it. I would be willing to bet that it's more of the baggage that I brought from previous situations and that sucks. Anyway, I compromised with myself and sent a Visa gift card. That way, it's not paper money but he is not confined to where he can spend it. I hope he likes it.

Just to relax

I thought that I should come over here and post up something. Just to take some time out of my day and get some relaxation.

Why is it that every time you plan some shit out, the shit that you didn't plan for happens? That would be a good way to describe my day thus far. I had a tight ass schedule that would not allow a lot of deviation but when you add people to any plan, you can never be sure how it will turn out. Today reinforced my idea that everybody is not like me. Which means that everyone does not act like me. Because if someone were to give me an assignment to do, I would not instead talk on my cell phone and waste 4hours doing something that should only take 2. Naw, I probably would.

I have an idea for a new story. Not exactly an idea but I want to start off a story with a description of a sweet summer evening in the south. I want to take the time and describe sitting on the porch in the evening with cousin talking about nothing all while the sun goes down. I want to Explain what it feels like after an evening rain when everything is all wet but the sun is shinning. Or those times when you spent the whole day at the pool and when evening comes you are tired as shit but you are excited cause somebody is about to start the grill. Or those lazy evenings when you don't do a thing except eat watermelon. Southern summer evenings are magical I think. Just describing it in the blog makes me feel all warm inside. I need to write something that includes that.

You know what I discovered the other day? I really do love my moms. I know that sounds weird but me and moms have had a 'hard row to ho' when it comes to building our relationship. I could go into all the details here but I think that would require another blog entry so I will just say that we had a few times of absence from one another and I think that is why our relationship was kinda funny. Once I had a friend tell me that she didn't think that I loved my mom and I remember feeling real bad when she said that. I mean, i thought I loved my mom and on some levels I think that I did. Just not the Love that we have right now. We really know each other and I know that she has my back and I hers. I remember once upon a time I would actually get angry at the idea that I was supposed to look out for her. Anger that came from feeling I had that she never really looked out for me. At least that was the perception I had. We talked and my perception changed. Sure she fucked up sometimes but she was young. Hell, I fucked up. At any rate, I know that I am just about all she got and to be honest, she is really all I have. She's my mom and even tho our situation did not look like some sit-com, in the end it worked for us. I think that I will have to dedicate an entry for us cause maybe some people will get something from it.

a little bit of culture on Friday night

So me and my new friend Julie went to Avenue Q on Friday night and we had a great time. That white chic is cool as shit and I am not just saying this because she will probably be reading this entry(and if you are reading this Julie, don't mind that 'White women think they rule the world' entry. it wasn't about you *smile*)

Anyway, the show was great but even greater was the fact that I was not stuck in the house watching "What Not To Wear" on a Friday night. Julie is the shit! I mean, I really feel good talking to her. We just trip out!

In other news....my job is starting to become a real.....job. I remember once upon a time I would go to work and not do shit except get on OKP. Now I hardly even see OKP on a workday. I am really working! There is so much to do and I feel like there is just not enough time. The work, I don't mind so much but the problem that I am having is that my supervisor is acting like an ass. It is as if she is trying to punish me because she is so behind and I am doing what she should be doing. I don't blame her for being out because she had some serious shit going on at the time but now she is back and she is basically lost and mad at me.

But I won't let her keep me down. I am on a mission now to set myself up for a significant move in a year. Forget Atlanta. It's all about NYC now! If I play this situation right I could play this hand and make all this shit work in my favor.

Chillin at work

Trying to waste some time so I decided that I should probably blog. I really need to get in the habit of doing this more often.

I heard that if you blog a lot it actually improves your other writing. I must say that my experience tells me that this is true. I feel that I have come a long way in my writing and maybe one day I will finally have the nerve to actually write that book.

I cant even finish my short story. Sometimes I will get an incredible idea and i start to flesh it out. Then I start to actually piece it together and a story starts to form. But then somewhere along the way I lose interest. I just burn out on the idea and then it becomes a chore for me to even finish it. I am a habitual "starter but never finisher" I need to do better.

I don't want to talk about anything romantic.

I could talk about self hating Christian Homos......but I think that I will save that for a blog all it's own. I'll just say that a friend of mine has his life caught on a vicious see-saw. He just goes up and down when it comes to his spirituality and his sexuality. It saddens me.

I'm Done.

Just when I got comfortable with the situation, here comes a kink. I wont get into any details here because I don't want to put the other persons business out there like that so I will try to be as vague as possible. Anyway, I should have known it was coming. I should have seen the signs. My friends told me that I was doing to much. They told me that my efforts to save this person would not be rewarded. Seems that the song about Cap'n Save-a-Ho is true. They really don't want to be saved! After the conversation last night....I am left thinking that I never really knew the person. So many issues but so little time. I do believe that it was doomed from the get green.

This dude gonna tell me that he is not head over heels for me and that he thinks that at this point he should be. Hey guy....I am not head over heels for your ass either! There are some fundamental things that i require that you don't have yet. I consider my time with you charity! Ok, that is mean but i am saying. Nobody is supposed to be head over heels in 5months. that's crazy!

But it's all good tho. Shit just frees me up to do what i need to do and that is go to NYC. Yep, i told him that i needed a break but what that really means is that I am done. Now the only thing keeping me from NYC is a job and i plan to start working on that really aggressively.

Back at work

After a great weekend in Atlanta. Every time I go I get reassurance that I need to move there...or move somewhere. Anywhere but here! Nope, I will not make this entry about how I hate it in Greenville. I talk about that way too much so I will just chill on that.

Instead, allow me to reminisce on the little things that made my weekend a lot of fun.
-Finding $5 parking when I was expecting to pay $20.
-Sitting right across the isle from Jilly at the concert.
-Forgetting my deodorant but still having a good ass time in the hot ass club.
-Enjoying an Icee on Auburn with 50million black people around.
-Getting lost on the train but getting a glimpse at 'Soulja Girl'......i think.
-Toquitos and Vanilla/Cherry Pepsi from the QT.
-Eating that shit with someone I really care about.
-2 movies for the price of 1.
-Piedmont Park on a beautiful Sunday.
-Conversations with someone special all the way home.
And that was my weekend. Pretty much. Good Times!

in other news....I am afraid that my mom may be making a financial mistake. but at the same time, I dont know if it is my place to really discourage what she is about to do. I mean, she is a grown woman. She knows what she is doing!
So anybody that knows me knows that I don't ever make any big financial decisions on a whim. I am all about the budget and I encourage all my friends to be about it also. You wanna get a new car, do the numbers and see if what you bring in can handle another expenditure. It is amazing to me how many people don't do this. Living life unconsciously, they just spend without regard to the bigger picture.
Anyway, mom is about to move in this new apartment but I am just concerned if she will be able to handle the monthly for the apt and the money she spends out monthly for her new car. I am real scared for her but then there is a part of me that says she is a grown woman who has lived life longer than me so i assume she knows what she can and cannot handle. The reason i think i worry is because I have already had to move in with her before and take over the bill because she was about to get evicted and I am not willing to go there again. I am about to move!

How My Life Is Going

This morning I had to go to the county tax office to pay my car taxes and as I pulled out of the parking lot of my place of employment, the sun was on my face and I just felt good. Sure my seat is broken and I suspect the people at the ford dealership did it in an attempt to make me pay the $800 they said it would cost them to fix it(suckers!!! I got one at the junk yard for $125!!) and yup, I missed the deadline to pay for an extended warranty on my lap top which means I gotta be extra careful with my baby until I can come up with a plan b, but I feel good. I feel Good today.

First off I feel good because even tho I got to pay for my seat and I had to pay those taxes, it's cool cause my back account is on swoll. I have been aggressively saving for my move and it feels good to have the money to do the things that i need t do. I swar i was tired of living chech to check and even tho I am still not where I want to be, thank G-d I am not where I used to be.

I also feel good because I took THE TEST the other day and I failed. I was scared as a mug because last year i did some dumb stuff and I just knew it was gonna get me. But I am cool and that is great and i swear form now on, i am extra careful.

I feel good because i really feel better about the person that I am becoming. I really dont give a fuck about who knows that I am gay. I finally understand all that jazz that I have been talking for a while about living in the truth. I cant help but wonder if the fact hat I have been absent from church for about a good 5 moths has anything to do with my position? I just feel like all the noise is gone and I can finally hear G-d.

And I am happy that I am on the road to a meaningful relationship. Sure, Shanen has some issues that worry me but who doesn't. I got issues too but maybe we can walk them, out together.

anyway, a brother is happy today. I hope this feeling last for at least the rest of the week.

some things

I really need to finish my short story. I am halfway through but it seems that I have met some sort of block. I just bought that computer thinking that it would motivate me to write more but instead I have been playing around on the dayum internet. I was off this weekend and the plan was to hold up in the house and finally finish this story. Did that happen?......NO! Instead I wasted most of the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing. Saturday night I really did try to do some work but the most I got done was one sentence and some editing. This shit has to be turned in by May 15 and right now I am walking around as if I have nothing to do. I must have this done by the weekend!

So after all this planning and stuff, this dude is talking about he is about to move back to VA, save some money, then move back to ATL. Shit makes absolutely no sense to me and I have told him this. He says that I am being unfair. I told him that if he moves back to VA, he will not be coming back to ATL therefore I will be moving to NYC.

That's right folks, NYC. After much thought and many conversations with friends I have decided that NYC will most likely be my next place of residence. ATL is still the other choice but i would rather do NYC. I know this will make some friends of mine upset but it is what it is. This is not just a move.....this is my life!

Got that new laptop

And I know this will sound a little dramatic but......it has changed my life! I am so serious when I say that. I have moved my life to the living room in my house(because the bedroom is just not conducive to writing) and I have been staying up way late trying to put the finishing touches on my story.

I have discovered in the quiet of my house that most of the stuff that I wrote while i was at work is a little corny. I am having to go back and change so much stuff but it feels good to really be able to put the emotion that i want into the story. It's kinda hard to do t hat when you are tryiing to write and work at the same time. seems like while I was doing that I gave some shit a pass that now looks a little suspect. Thank G-d I can work from home now.

Living with gentrification

yesterday i saw a white woman jogging on a sidewalk in a part of town that she would have been, at the very least, robbed in a few years ago. it was her, her ipod, and her little dog and as i saw her jogging, i kinda resented her. she probably lived in one of the new condos they built right up the street and she obviously has been fooled to believe that just because they cleaned up the street and put a Starbucks on the corner that she was safe to jog on that street. at night! she probably thought she owned a part of that neighborhood but what she didnt know is that the Starbucks on the corner and her condo did not totally displace the neighborhood that was there before she came and that if she turned off the main street onto one of those side streets, she would probably run into somebody that was an original resident.

I don't know....i just resented her yesterday. when I was a kid, people like her avoided that neighborhood if they could and now, with the Starbucks on the corner, she was jogging like it was her neighborhood. I don't like that.

Finances and Love

When one contemplates exploring Love, should finances be considered? I mean, is that even something that should be on the radar? If the caring, the compassion, the connection is there, should one even be worried about the money aspect? And I am not even talking about two people trying to get married or anything like that. I am simply talking about a casual situation.

I like them but their financial situation has me concerned. I don't want to have to be the 'breadwinner' in this situation. But wait tho, I don't want to be taken care of either. I just want equality and I just don't see how that can be when they work a silly job. You know, that's wrong. I should not say his job is silly. I just think that he could be doing better. I would think that he would want to do better.

Maybe I am making too ,much of this. Maybe I am concerned about nothing. I like him. I want to see where this goes. I just don't want to have to pay every time we go out.

Black people are trying to make me like Obama!

And the funny part is, I don't dislike him. I think he is a cool dude. A Great speaker but as far as a presidential candidate, I would rather see John Edwards. Some black people that I know seem to have a problem with this. The problem, it seems to me, is that I am choosing to endorse a white man over a black man. What can I say, I like Edwards better. Now in reality this whole discussion is irrelevant since Edwards is not even a running anymore but when people ask me who I like, I always respond with Edwards. This always gets it started.

So, as I said before, I don't actually dislike Obama. I actually think he's pretty cool but what I don't like is the fact that his black supporters are always trying to play the race card with me. As if I am obligated to support him simply because he is black. They often site how his appointment will mean so much for the back race and how it will magically change everything for us. I don't buy it and here's why:

1) There's no doubt about it, Obama is a black man. He's got the melanin in his skin and if he were walking down a dusty road in 1960's Mississippi, he'd be called 'Nigger' the same as me. I don't dispute this but what I call into question is the idea that because he looks like me(sorta), that he can identify with me....as a black man in America. This is a valid point because if I am supposed to support him because he is a 'Black' then this means he knows, personally, my plight. I don't think he can identify with me. As I said before, he's got the melanin but does he have the experience. His father was an African(not African American) and his mother was white. He was brought up by his rich white grandparents in Hawaii. For all intents and purposes, he did not grow up 'Black'. This is why I think it's funny when people think that I should support him because of his 'Blackness'. No hate toward him but these are the facts. Why not support Edwards over Obama? Neither one can truly identify with me so why base it on 'Blackness'?

2) I feel that the office of president is really just for show and the person that is sitting in that position at any given time has no real power and is actually a puppet for the bigger, unseen powers that be. There is an agenda that is being carried out and the person that is holding the office of president only follows what has already been decided. They make no real decisions on their own and should therefore not be looked to for any significant change for those of us on the lower rungs of the class ladder. I say this to say that in my mind, it really doesn't matter who is sitting in that seat. The plan will continue on course whoever it is.

There are more things that I could mention but for now I will leave it at this. Again, I have no problem at all with Obama. I just feel that his appointment into the office of president will really have no real significance for black folk struggling in America. Real political change should be started from the ground up, not from the top down. At any rate, if he get the nomination of course I am going to vote for him. He's black.

The only thing that keeps me going these days

Is the fact that I know in October I will not be here anymore. I will be leaving this city. I will be leaving this life. Yes, I am a little scared but it is something that I must do. At this point, I am pretty sure that ATL will be my destination but there is a part of me that is still holding on to NYC. the numbers just work better with ATL tho.

And I will be there this weekend. Seems that lately I am having to give myself these mini vacations
just to make it through a month. I think this job is starting to take a toll on me. I really cant see myself doing this for the rest of my life but I really don't know what else I will be doing. This is why I feel like I must move away from Greenville. I have to go explore life before I get stuck.

And I've been thinking lately about what it is that I want to do. Just the other day I was watching 'Sister Act 2' and there is a line that Whoopie says that always gets me. It's the part where she is talking to Rita(Lauryn) and she says 'If when you wake up in the morning and the first thing on your mind is to sing, then you 'sposed to be a singer girl' I remember when I first heard her say that line I immediately thought about my life. I think that I am supposed to sing. Or at least do something in music. This is another reason I think ATL would be the move for me. I already have people that can hook me up with some people that could maybe get me started in the industry. It's not like I am trying to be a star or anything but I know that I could at least get some background singing work. That would be good for me. Singing and writing.

anyway, Raheem Devaughn on Saturday should be cool even though I wanted to see Jilly. Shit was sold out. I will make due.

I;m on thT Latoya Luckett today

I'm Torn.

After my trip to NYC last year, I have had a strong urge to move there. I don't know what it is but it just seems like that city is calling me. I remember that after I left, I just knew that someday I would live there. Now I am at a point in my life where I know I need to move and I could actually move there. I want to move there. But then there is the other side of the issue.

I have been saying that I want to move to ATL since I was in high school. I remember saying that if I didn't make it in college that I would just move. Well, I lasted in college for about 2yrs and when I came back home, I had all the plans to move but instead got side tracked and ended up getting a job and stuff. I got stuck. Again, now I am at a point where I have got to get the hell out of Greenville and ATL is an option.

I am also thinking about the pros and the cons to each decision. NYC would be a great backdrop to any one's life. I mean, it is THE city. I think it would be a great place to pursue my writing career and finish my education. On the other hand, it is a long way from home and a long way from my support system. ATL would be something familiar and comfortable. I also promised my boy that we were gonna move together so I kinda feel obligated to make that move.

I am so Torn as to what I should do and I know this entry is rather raggedy but I am trying to write this and I keep getting interrupted by my job.

They came on thursday

I was a little apprehensive about their stay. Worried that we might bump heads since he was going to stay for 5 whole days. I felt like I didn't really know him. Sure, we've been talking on the phone for about 2 years but we only met less than a month ago. I was excited but cautious.

He came on Thursday and I'd surprised myself at how excited I was to see him when he got off the bus. I played it down tho cause there was no way I was going to let them see that.I brought him to my house and we talked most of the night. I started to realize that this could actually become a friend. This is not something I say often.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same. It really surprised me how much we really had in common. In the beginning I'd actually decided that he was just a pretty face with no real substance. Boy was I wrong. We vibe on a lot of levels plus he sings. Dude actually harmonized with me.......*swoon*

By the time Monday morning arrived it felt as if the time had gone by much too fast. I knew that he would have to go back that afternoon and it made me feel a little sad. It's funny but in just 5 days I had actually gotten used to him being around. I was used to waking up and seeing him. I was used to having somebody to talk to. I was used to having somebody to watch tv with. Used to not being alone.

That night after dropping him off and watching the bus pull away, I went home and the first thing that hit me was how quiet it was. I was actually lonely last night. I never really felt that way before. Maybe I've been feeling this way for a while but just pushing it aside. Last night it was strong and I am wondering when things will go back to normal. I miss him

White Women Think They Run The World

Anybody who knows me will hear me say this often and no I am not being racist because black people can't be racist. I only say it because most of the time when I have a run in with a white woman, they act as if they are entitled to things. In my line of work, I often have to tell people things that they do not want to hear. Things like, "I am sorry but that office is closed" or "I'm sorry but I can't take a message for you." What I have found is that the white woman is the one that will most likely challenge me when I say these things. She will respond to the above statements with, "But I really need to speak to them!" or "So what am I supposed to do now?" It's not so much about what they say tho, it's more of the tone they say it in. It's a tone of entitlement! It's as if they are saying, "Don't you know who I am? I am a white woman!"

Maybe I am taking it a little far but honestly, this is how I feel. It's as if all these white women have a little of that "Mrs. Milly"(color purple) in them. Their tone always makes me react. No I don't curse them out nor am I ever rude but what I do like to do is ensure that they will not get what they think they are entitled to. Sure, I could probably get somebody in that office for you if I really wanted to but why should I? Yup, I probably could take this message for you if I really really felt it was important, but I wont. You, white woman, need to feel the sting of rejection. You need to know what it feels like when things don't go your way. Everything else may go your way but I vow to make sure it won't go as smoothly when you talk to me.

Went to see Cloverfield last night

Pretty good movie I guess. I mean, about 30mins into it I got sick to my stomach. First of all, I got there late so I had to sit in the very front of the theater which I don't like to do. I Usually like to sit more in the center of the theater. It's a perfect spot I think. Anyway, the movie starts and everything is cool but for some reason I start to get a little quezzy. About 30mins into it I start to get violently ill. I can feel my stomach convulsing and I was at a loss as to why this was happening. Immediately I start to think the girl that gave me my popcorn and drink must have had an unclean spirit and passed it on to me....... So I figured that I would try to hold it down and not leave the movie because it was getting pretty good. I decided that maybe it was my glasses in conjunction with the fact that I was so close to the screen that was making me sick so I took them off. That aint help. I closed my eyes and just listened to the movie for about 15mins and kept trying to look at the screen but every time I did, the sickness came back. Finally it got to the point that I was actually heaving in my seat. I think the lady next to me actually got a little scared that I was about to throw up on her....and I almost did. At this point I decide that I have got to go to the bathroom and barely make it there before I let all the contents of my stomach go. I wasted 10.50 on popcorn and a cherry coke. After that I was fine and went back into the theater to enjoy the rest of the movie and even tho I still felt a little sick, I could not throw up because there was nothing else left in my stomach.

Later on that night I finally figured out why I got sick. It was motion sickness! Sometimes when I play Tomb Raider or Halo I get sick like that too. I can only play for about 30mins and then I get really sick. It also happens when I watch camcorder movies and I sit too close to the tv. All that jumpy ass recording in that movie is what made me sick.

*sigh of relief*

It was time once again to get my HIV test and as usual I was nervous like a mug. This time was worse than usual because I had pretty much convinced myself that I had it. Every bump was a swollen lymph node. Every sweat was a fever. Every time I pulled the covers off at night, it was a night sweat. Shit was crazy. All that drama has led me to the decision that I will no longer be having sex on a whim. I will only be participating in the full act with someone that i genuinely respect and want to build something with. From now on it's all about that mutual masturbation. It's the safest thing going these days.