Niggs don't know but

I am really struggling with my religion right now. I don't know if I would want to use the word struggling....well, maybe I will use the word struggle but not with my religion. What I am really struggling with are the false faces of my religion. At 27 years old, I feel like I am discovering that a lot of the "facts" about God that were given to me don't stand up at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is, the image that I have had for so long of God, the one that I got from parents and grandparents just won't hold up in my life. Let me offer an example: All my life I have been told that all homos are on their way to hell. I mean, the bible, in black and white tells us this. How can I argue with that? Given this "fact" one could imagine that it would be an awful struggle for a gay boy growing up in the church, trying to follow god but feeling in the back of my mind that all my effort was useless. In the end, I only had hell to look forward to. Having gone through a little more life I now see that life is just not as cut and dry as some would want to believe.

Now I am at the point where I really want a real experience with God. I just think that there is more to it than most people are getting in their churches. God is so much bigger than us getting to go to heaven. What about loving your brother and sister while you are here on earth and when I speak of loving, I mean sticking your life on the line for the rapeist. Going to the wire for the prostitute. Laying down everything you have for a person that you don't even know. I have such a passion for the underdog. I think it is because for much of my life I have felt that I was one.

So now I am on a mission to seek God earnestly. I want him to show me what this whole thing is really about. I want to find my purpose and I want to help others do the same thing and in my mind that has nothing to do with God blessing me with a fancy house of a new car. I am cool with what I have and if that is all I ever have I must be content. God is Good.

Financial Woes

So it seems that I find myself in a financial situation again. I said at the end of 2005 that I would not be in this again. I now have about 120 dollars to last me until the next time I get paid. I think I can do it. I hope I can.

Bilal is coming back and I am really feeling the little bit that I have heard. I love this dude. He is what I call a real singer. A nigg that seems to not give a F--k about what the people want to hear. He would rather push his vision than conform into the silliness that r&b has become as of late. I love him for that. Once I had a dream that I met him. I was so disappointed when I woke up and realized that it was a dream.



I used to love Little Brother. I mean, I guess I still love them but reading Phonte's blogg the other day really messed me up. I don't know why I am so surprised cause it seems that the whole world is homophobic but somehow, I thought he was different. I still think he is one of the hottest out there today but now, I just feel funny when I listen to his shit. Like, if he knew that I was indeed attracted to men would he want me to be a fan. That Minstrel Show used to get a nigg going at the gym. Since I read that blogg, I took it out of rotation. You know what the sad part is tho, as we speak I am trying to get some tickets to their show in Atl on 3/21.

What role does Satan play?

Now I am starting to think that a lot of the things that we put on the devil should really be on us. I do believe that Satan is something real but we put way too much on him/that and not enough on ourselves.

Take for example my homeboy D. He is not what I would call a devout Christian but he does call on the lord in a jam. This is not a judgment call, I am just stating a fact. Anyway, he will be the first person to cry devil if he has a flat tire, or his hair is messing up. This is funny to me. People think that the devil is sitting around plotting ways to make you late for church or miss a meeting. Some of this stuff that the devil is blamed for is really just a part of life. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and in that human experience, things happen. Sometimes your car won't start or sometimes you can't find that tie you like. These things I would argue are not the devil but in fact are just a side effect of life. Things are gonna happen.

Another group of people are like me grandma. She is a holy roller in every since of the word. To her, the devil is also out to mess you up. In her mind tho, he mostly messes with finances. Like, he will "make" you overdraw your banking account or he will have your phone turned off. She likes to take herself out of the equation so the fact that the account is overdrawn has nothing to do with the fact that she didn't balance her check book. Oh no, this is a trick of the enemy! And the phone getting cut off has nothing to do with the fact that she didn't pay her bill on time. She would rather shout things like, "The devil is a liah(liar)!" In this case again, people fail to take responsibility for the situations that they put themselves in. It is much easier to blame it on the devil. Sometimes I imagine the devil sitting on a corner with his head in his hands. Sad that the whole world is blaming him for things that he has nothing to do with.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do believe that Satan is real. He's just not involved in he things that we think he is. I would much rather imagine that he devil is busy manipulating power structures to keep one group of people down while elevating another. He has his hand in the worlds governments oppressing anybody that is trying to liberate people with the word of God. He is setting things up for the eventual rise of the antichrist. With all that on his plate, I just don't think he has time to put a run in your stocking.

And then it gets a little deeper for me. Now I am even wondering if some of the thoughts that come into our very brains are the devil or are they our own evil? I mean, the bible says that we are sinful. Born into it even, so some of the things that we try to place on the devil are really our true selves. I think that the evil that is already in us can be capitalized on by the devil...or his imps, if you will, but the base is already in us. For example, I like to have sex. When I see somebody that I think looks good, sexual thoughts will come. Now many Christians would say that that is just the devil but I argue that it is just me. I am a human and a sexual being so when I see something that looks good, nature will start to take it's course. Now, I think that we can allow evil to take that natural thing and build upon it. When I take that attraction and then start to fantasize about what I would do if I had that, I am leaning into lust. That is from the evil one but the attraction is just natural.

Anyway, the whole point of this is to just discuss the idea that the devil is not as involved as we think. Some of the things that we place on him just possibly could be our own evil and irresponsibility.

Just a ramble

The battle between God and Satan is taking place everyday. Not in the heavens or underground but instead it happens everyday in our minds. It is won and lost in the way we think. Let's say you are a person with cancer and the doctor has just given you six months to live. With this information, you are now faced with a decision. You can choose to just give up hope and resign yourself to die or, you can take the information that was given and still believe that God is in control no matter what report you receive. The mind where the battle is won and lost.

I have known about this battle in my own mind since I was a child. I can remember reading in the bible and hearing in service about who I was supposed to be and then looking at my life and becoming painfully aware of how far I was from that. I wanted to be that so bad. In those days I thought that the walk with Christ was about being perfect and doing everything right. I now believe that this thinking is very dangerous because Satan(or maybe your own mind...I am still not sure where I stand on this) will capitalize on it and make one feel bad when they don't measure up to the standard they have built in their brain. I am now of the thinking that it is not only about the action of "living right" but about the way one thinks about the action of sin.

It seems to me that a lot of Christians are under the illusion that one day, in this mortal existence, that a person could actually be perfect or without sin. The fact is, there was only one perfect man and he died so that we don't have to be. Now don't take this as me saying that you have a pass to sin. Only an immature Christian would take on that thinking. One who really understands what Christ did for us would steer clear of sin because they love him and not just for the sake of not sinning. What I am saying is that you are going to sin and the thing that separates a Christian from the world is one's thinking about sin.

Yes....I have herpes and I am fat

I could feel the cold sore forming last night as I was in class. I haven't had one in a long time but I always know when one is about to form. And there was nothing that I could do to stop it. Usually, I bombard my lips with blisstex as soon as I get the slightest tingle but I had none last night and this morning I can see the blister forming. As soon as I get a chance I am running to cvs to get plenty of lip stuff to form a counter attack. There may still be hope left in the fight against herpes simplex.

....I am fat. It was made painfully obvious to me this morning by the mother of a chick that I used to talk to. I mean...the way she looked at me and then took a double take and asked "are you sure you are Quadrus?" I think that a lot of times, people will syke themselves up into believing things aren't as bad as they really are. People will actually go out of their way not to find out the truth about their situation so that they can continue to live in ignorant bliss. In my case, I know that I made sure for a long time that I didn't really know exactly how much I weighed. I went out of my way to stay away from full length mirrors and I think I even fooled myself into believing that it really was not that bad. But it is that bad.

so yeah....God is good

You know ya boy was on the verge of being fired but I have a second chance. Actually, this will be more like a 7th chance. I been getting fired for being late every since I've been working here and that's been 5yrs. Well, I knew that the powers that be were on the verge of talking to me about my problem so I decided to talk to them before they had a chance to get me. I set up a meeting with my supervisor and she is giving me one more chance for vast improvement. It is now time for operation: cant be late.