breaking down

first off, everything that is within me wants a chicken biscuit this morning but i cannot because i am on a diet. the thing is, i didnt plan today. i have no meals lined up so that means it would be an easy day for me to slip up. but i wont, i say! as soon as i get a break i will be heading to the grocery to pick up some fruit. i also didnt make the gym this morning but i plan to go after work. i gotta get serious about this thing.

looks like atl for labor day is a bust. i mean, niggs just dont have the money. i got people that i have planned to see and things but i just don't see it. i wont give up just yet tho cause who knows what will happen.

finished watching "Tsotsi" last night and i thought the movie was pretty good. on the dvd tho, there was also another short film by the director called "The Shopkeeper". God that movie was crazy...but good. really pulled at the emotions. simple, no words really spoken in the movie. anyway, the climax of the movie made me cry....like for real cry. i mean, i started crying about the movie and then i started crying about so much going on in my life that i really feel like i can do nothing about. i cried aboput my money situation. i cried about a frustration of havingthe world against you but they just dont know it. frustration with church. frustration with church people. frustration with my mom not having enough money to wash her clothes and me not having enough money to help. i just dont know sometimes.

...i'm feeling a way this morning

I can't really explain it. i think that i am frustrated by the fact that I didnt get up in time this morning to go to the gym. I mean, i really want to loose weight but i dont think that I want to put in the work that goes along with that statement. sometimes i think about it and it seems that my mind is just programed to think that i will fail. it's like, i cant even imagine myself loosing the weight. i think that i will probably need to visualize this before i can even make any progress in loosing. cause if i dont think that it is possible then i wont really aim for it as i should.

there is also the singing thing. right now as i write this i dont even know if i really want to keep doing it. i think that it's because i saw some pics that i took with one of my groups and i was displeased. i just need to see some results and then i will feel better. and lets not even mention the gay thing. i just cant deal right now.