Finances and Love

When one contemplates exploring Love, should finances be considered? I mean, is that even something that should be on the radar? If the caring, the compassion, the connection is there, should one even be worried about the money aspect? And I am not even talking about two people trying to get married or anything like that. I am simply talking about a casual situation.

I like them but their financial situation has me concerned. I don't want to have to be the 'breadwinner' in this situation. But wait tho, I don't want to be taken care of either. I just want equality and I just don't see how that can be when they work a silly job. You know, that's wrong. I should not say his job is silly. I just think that he could be doing better. I would think that he would want to do better.

Maybe I am making too ,much of this. Maybe I am concerned about nothing. I like him. I want to see where this goes. I just don't want to have to pay every time we go out.

Black people are trying to make me like Obama!

And the funny part is, I don't dislike him. I think he is a cool dude. A Great speaker but as far as a presidential candidate, I would rather see John Edwards. Some black people that I know seem to have a problem with this. The problem, it seems to me, is that I am choosing to endorse a white man over a black man. What can I say, I like Edwards better. Now in reality this whole discussion is irrelevant since Edwards is not even a running anymore but when people ask me who I like, I always respond with Edwards. This always gets it started.

So, as I said before, I don't actually dislike Obama. I actually think he's pretty cool but what I don't like is the fact that his black supporters are always trying to play the race card with me. As if I am obligated to support him simply because he is black. They often site how his appointment will mean so much for the back race and how it will magically change everything for us. I don't buy it and here's why:

1) There's no doubt about it, Obama is a black man. He's got the melanin in his skin and if he were walking down a dusty road in 1960's Mississippi, he'd be called 'Nigger' the same as me. I don't dispute this but what I call into question is the idea that because he looks like me(sorta), that he can identify with me....as a black man in America. This is a valid point because if I am supposed to support him because he is a 'Black' then this means he knows, personally, my plight. I don't think he can identify with me. As I said before, he's got the melanin but does he have the experience. His father was an African(not African American) and his mother was white. He was brought up by his rich white grandparents in Hawaii. For all intents and purposes, he did not grow up 'Black'. This is why I think it's funny when people think that I should support him because of his 'Blackness'. No hate toward him but these are the facts. Why not support Edwards over Obama? Neither one can truly identify with me so why base it on 'Blackness'?

2) I feel that the office of president is really just for show and the person that is sitting in that position at any given time has no real power and is actually a puppet for the bigger, unseen powers that be. There is an agenda that is being carried out and the person that is holding the office of president only follows what has already been decided. They make no real decisions on their own and should therefore not be looked to for any significant change for those of us on the lower rungs of the class ladder. I say this to say that in my mind, it really doesn't matter who is sitting in that seat. The plan will continue on course whoever it is.

There are more things that I could mention but for now I will leave it at this. Again, I have no problem at all with Obama. I just feel that his appointment into the office of president will really have no real significance for black folk struggling in America. Real political change should be started from the ground up, not from the top down. At any rate, if he get the nomination of course I am going to vote for him. He's black.

The only thing that keeps me going these days

Is the fact that I know in October I will not be here anymore. I will be leaving this city. I will be leaving this life. Yes, I am a little scared but it is something that I must do. At this point, I am pretty sure that ATL will be my destination but there is a part of me that is still holding on to NYC. the numbers just work better with ATL tho.

And I will be there this weekend. Seems that lately I am having to give myself these mini vacations
just to make it through a month. I think this job is starting to take a toll on me. I really cant see myself doing this for the rest of my life but I really don't know what else I will be doing. This is why I feel like I must move away from Greenville. I have to go explore life before I get stuck.

And I've been thinking lately about what it is that I want to do. Just the other day I was watching 'Sister Act 2' and there is a line that Whoopie says that always gets me. It's the part where she is talking to Rita(Lauryn) and she says 'If when you wake up in the morning and the first thing on your mind is to sing, then you 'sposed to be a singer girl' I remember when I first heard her say that line I immediately thought about my life. I think that I am supposed to sing. Or at least do something in music. This is another reason I think ATL would be the move for me. I already have people that can hook me up with some people that could maybe get me started in the industry. It's not like I am trying to be a star or anything but I know that I could at least get some background singing work. That would be good for me. Singing and writing.

anyway, Raheem Devaughn on Saturday should be cool even though I wanted to see Jilly. Shit was sold out. I will make due.

I;m on thT Latoya Luckett today

I'm Torn.

After my trip to NYC last year, I have had a strong urge to move there. I don't know what it is but it just seems like that city is calling me. I remember that after I left, I just knew that someday I would live there. Now I am at a point in my life where I know I need to move and I could actually move there. I want to move there. But then there is the other side of the issue.

I have been saying that I want to move to ATL since I was in high school. I remember saying that if I didn't make it in college that I would just move. Well, I lasted in college for about 2yrs and when I came back home, I had all the plans to move but instead got side tracked and ended up getting a job and stuff. I got stuck. Again, now I am at a point where I have got to get the hell out of Greenville and ATL is an option.

I am also thinking about the pros and the cons to each decision. NYC would be a great backdrop to any one's life. I mean, it is THE city. I think it would be a great place to pursue my writing career and finish my education. On the other hand, it is a long way from home and a long way from my support system. ATL would be something familiar and comfortable. I also promised my boy that we were gonna move together so I kinda feel obligated to make that move.

I am so Torn as to what I should do and I know this entry is rather raggedy but I am trying to write this and I keep getting interrupted by my job.