It is memorial day and I am at work. No big deal because I really don't anything to do today anyway. I really don't know anybody cooking out today so I will probably just go home when I get off at 2pm and find a "Law and Order" marathon(cause you know there is one on somewhere).
Talked to my boy BJ last night and we talked for about 2 hours. That was unusual because we don't usually talk at all. I think that both of us are still trying to fill the void that is left in our lives with the ;passing of Jamaco. It's hard and what really makes it a task is the fact that he was so much a part of our lives. Something that I mentioned to BJ last last night is something that I feel like going into on this blog today.
Jamaco was a very good friend of mine. I would go so far as to even say he was one of my best friends. I say one of my best friends because I think that after you got out of middle school, you no longer have the luxury of having just one best friend. Life starts to get complicated and there is just too much going on to have one person you deem a "best friend". You have to have friends that are specialized in certain areas of your life and Jamaco filled a specific area in mine. Now that he is gone I am forced to deal with this missing piece. As BJ and I were talking last night, an interesting situation that came about after Jamaco's came to my mind.
Actually, I thought I wanted to write about this but I don't.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
I had an epiphany!!
The other day I was talking to my Homie "Martin" and as usual, started having the conversation about the "gay christian". He recently bought a book that he swears will be the key to end his struggle and asked me if I would read it with him. Of course I obliged because I am always in the mood for reading peoples perspective on this issue but I told him that I would be reading with my red pen of skepticism. Anyway, as the conversation wore on, we both eventually fell into our usual roles. He, the Christan man struggling to be straight and me, the christian man who does not think it's necessary to change his sexual orientation. We went on for a while and that's when it hit me!
There is not a spirit that MAKES you attracted to the same sex. There are only spirits that can capitalize on issues that are already in your own heart.
Wow....what a profound thought. It's what I have been trying to articulate for so long and on that day it just came. It's as if the thought was swimming at the surface of my consciousness but has never come up for air.....until that day.
OK, so why do I feel this way is probably what people would want to know. I mean, a statement like that flies in the face of all that we have been taught and heard about this issue for so long so how did I come to this? As I have said so many times before, I grew up hating myself because I thought God hated me. I will spare anyone who is reading this and not go into that story but I will just say that the one thing that really never sat well with me was that I felt that I was being punished for something that I had no control over. As far as I was concerned, my attraction was something that was natural to me. We won't even argue the point of being born gay or it happening later because the bottom line is that at this point in my life, I am attracted to men and it is all I have ever known.
What this statement does is take the burden off of the person to change their sexual orientation. The only thing that is necessary is to change are your acts. As I say all the time, I can't help what makes my dick hard but I can help what I do with my hard dick. Some may not feel this because it really puts one in a position to deny the flesh and what it wants and instead follow the will of God. What I am saying is that as a christian, you have to follow the bible and right now, I know for sure that the bible says we can't sleep with a man(Leviticus 18:22). It really never deals with the attraction. I think that most gay men would find it easier if the attraction were to just be lifted like a blanket and replaced with a healthy hetero appetite but the reality of a life with Christ is that we must suffer. This may mean that the attraction to a man may never go away but it is the responsibility of a person wanting to walk with God to adhere to the bible. This, I know is a slippery slope but until I get deeper in this, this is my surface solution. Sure I feel that my attraction to men is natural but that is no reason for me to act on it. Staying steadfast in the face of my temptation is what builds my character.
can I support this statement scriptural, sure:
Romans 1:24
24Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
I am sure everyone has had Romans 1 thrown at them but what I noticed when I read is this part. It says "...through the lusts of their own hearts," and this, to me, means that the lust was in them. There was no spirit that turned them on to this lust, it was their own desire that led them to do the things they did. They did not practice self control as the bible urges us to. I am sure if I keep looking I will find more but for right now, I hope that will keep ya.
I think that it would just be absolutely unfair for the devil to be able to plant a spirit on you, and you have no control over it. In my limited research, I have found that most people believe that the only way to have a spirit possess or oppress you is to open a door....willingly. If this is the case, how would I, as a child, open a door to be oppressed by a demon of homosexuality that makes me attracted to the same sex. Wouldn't that be so unfair that before I even had the ability to fight off Satan, he was allowed to run amok in my life and I was helpless. Personally, I don't believe that it works like that. I am convinced that this attraction is natural to ma and the only thing that Satan can hope to do is capitalize on something that is already me.
Seems the church, up until this point, has found it so easy to blame everything on Satan or a spirit. what that actually does is take the person out of the equation and places the blame for their actions on something outside of themselves. Wouldn't that make life so much easier if we did not have to be held accountable for out actions and instead were able to blame them on the devil. It's a cop out, in my opinion.
There is not a spirit that MAKES you attracted to the same sex. There are only spirits that can capitalize on issues that are already in your own heart.
Wow....what a profound thought. It's what I have been trying to articulate for so long and on that day it just came. It's as if the thought was swimming at the surface of my consciousness but has never come up for air.....until that day.
OK, so why do I feel this way is probably what people would want to know. I mean, a statement like that flies in the face of all that we have been taught and heard about this issue for so long so how did I come to this? As I have said so many times before, I grew up hating myself because I thought God hated me. I will spare anyone who is reading this and not go into that story but I will just say that the one thing that really never sat well with me was that I felt that I was being punished for something that I had no control over. As far as I was concerned, my attraction was something that was natural to me. We won't even argue the point of being born gay or it happening later because the bottom line is that at this point in my life, I am attracted to men and it is all I have ever known.
What this statement does is take the burden off of the person to change their sexual orientation. The only thing that is necessary is to change are your acts. As I say all the time, I can't help what makes my dick hard but I can help what I do with my hard dick. Some may not feel this because it really puts one in a position to deny the flesh and what it wants and instead follow the will of God. What I am saying is that as a christian, you have to follow the bible and right now, I know for sure that the bible says we can't sleep with a man(Leviticus 18:22). It really never deals with the attraction. I think that most gay men would find it easier if the attraction were to just be lifted like a blanket and replaced with a healthy hetero appetite but the reality of a life with Christ is that we must suffer. This may mean that the attraction to a man may never go away but it is the responsibility of a person wanting to walk with God to adhere to the bible. This, I know is a slippery slope but until I get deeper in this, this is my surface solution. Sure I feel that my attraction to men is natural but that is no reason for me to act on it. Staying steadfast in the face of my temptation is what builds my character.
can I support this statement scriptural, sure:
Romans 1:24
24Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
I am sure everyone has had Romans 1 thrown at them but what I noticed when I read is this part. It says "...through the lusts of their own hearts," and this, to me, means that the lust was in them. There was no spirit that turned them on to this lust, it was their own desire that led them to do the things they did. They did not practice self control as the bible urges us to. I am sure if I keep looking I will find more but for right now, I hope that will keep ya.
I think that it would just be absolutely unfair for the devil to be able to plant a spirit on you, and you have no control over it. In my limited research, I have found that most people believe that the only way to have a spirit possess or oppress you is to open a door....willingly. If this is the case, how would I, as a child, open a door to be oppressed by a demon of homosexuality that makes me attracted to the same sex. Wouldn't that be so unfair that before I even had the ability to fight off Satan, he was allowed to run amok in my life and I was helpless. Personally, I don't believe that it works like that. I am convinced that this attraction is natural to ma and the only thing that Satan can hope to do is capitalize on something that is already me.
Seems the church, up until this point, has found it so easy to blame everything on Satan or a spirit. what that actually does is take the person out of the equation and places the blame for their actions on something outside of themselves. Wouldn't that make life so much easier if we did not have to be held accountable for out actions and instead were able to blame them on the devil. It's a cop out, in my opinion.
Friday, May 11, 2007
I feel like talking about Ted today
So i will. Let's just see where this goes.
I don't know why but the Ted Haggard situation is a subject that I could talk about forever. I just think it is so interesting how his fall from grace played out and there are a lot of things that can be gleaned from it.
First off, let me start by saying that when I first heard the allegations, i was unsure weather to believe it or not. Actually, that's not entirely true. I think that when I first heard it I automatically assumed that he was guilty. I always do that when I hear those types of rumors about people. So yeah, after it came out I was just really interested in how it would turn out. I was thinking that if it turned out that these allegations were true and he was, in fact, gay and carrying on an illicit affair with a male prostitute, it would force main stream Christianity to deal with the issue of homosexuality in the church. It seems that the way homosexuality is viewed in the church is that either you are gay and on your way to hell or you are saved and you have been delivered from that foul spirit of homosexuality. I am living proof that things are not that simple.
There is no room in the church today for a guy like me. A guy who knows that he is saved but at the same time, still deals with an attraction to males. I mean, if I were really saved, that would be taken away from me, right? If I had truly had an encounter with God, he would have made me "whole" and this would not even be an issue for me and since it is still an issue, I must have had a counterfeit experience. I could really go into this issue but for right now, i better stick to Ted.
Anyway, I thought that if the things that the male escort was saying about Mr.Haggerd were true, it would force a conversation. If all gay people were really devils and there was no hope for them unless they become straight, how would we explain Ted? No one can deny his success in ministry. He had a large growing church and was in key positions on many committees in his area. Hey, he was also a guy who was close with Mr.Bush! He in no way fit the bill of the "evil" homosexual that church people believe is out there. How could an evil man do so much good? The fact that he was the head of a very big church and apparently had the ear of God but still got caught in scandal had to make people look at homosexuality again. Maybe it wasn't as cut and dry as many would have you believe. Maybe gay people aren't that evil. But alas, I was wrong. No conversation ever came about and in the end, ol' boy Ted kinda bitched up.
He finally admitted that he had been involved and instead of him trying to spark the seeds of reconsideration, he allowed the church to back him into a hole. Homeboy came clean and then resigned! Now don't get me wrong because I am in no way condoning the things that he did cause dude was wrong. Not that he was gay but the fact that he lead a double life and was deceiving his wife, kids, and his congregation. The problem was not that he was gay. Instead the problem was that he was not living his life authentically being himself. I know that is kind of hard when you have this image to maintain and this position to keep but i figured that when he found himself surrounded by his crumbled empire, he would have finally had the courage to accept who he was and deal with it. Nope, he instead decided to go to counseling for 3 weeks and come out straight. Ha.
this is enough for now.
I don't know why but the Ted Haggard situation is a subject that I could talk about forever. I just think it is so interesting how his fall from grace played out and there are a lot of things that can be gleaned from it.
First off, let me start by saying that when I first heard the allegations, i was unsure weather to believe it or not. Actually, that's not entirely true. I think that when I first heard it I automatically assumed that he was guilty. I always do that when I hear those types of rumors about people. So yeah, after it came out I was just really interested in how it would turn out. I was thinking that if it turned out that these allegations were true and he was, in fact, gay and carrying on an illicit affair with a male prostitute, it would force main stream Christianity to deal with the issue of homosexuality in the church. It seems that the way homosexuality is viewed in the church is that either you are gay and on your way to hell or you are saved and you have been delivered from that foul spirit of homosexuality. I am living proof that things are not that simple.
There is no room in the church today for a guy like me. A guy who knows that he is saved but at the same time, still deals with an attraction to males. I mean, if I were really saved, that would be taken away from me, right? If I had truly had an encounter with God, he would have made me "whole" and this would not even be an issue for me and since it is still an issue, I must have had a counterfeit experience. I could really go into this issue but for right now, i better stick to Ted.
Anyway, I thought that if the things that the male escort was saying about Mr.Haggerd were true, it would force a conversation. If all gay people were really devils and there was no hope for them unless they become straight, how would we explain Ted? No one can deny his success in ministry. He had a large growing church and was in key positions on many committees in his area. Hey, he was also a guy who was close with Mr.Bush! He in no way fit the bill of the "evil" homosexual that church people believe is out there. How could an evil man do so much good? The fact that he was the head of a very big church and apparently had the ear of God but still got caught in scandal had to make people look at homosexuality again. Maybe it wasn't as cut and dry as many would have you believe. Maybe gay people aren't that evil. But alas, I was wrong. No conversation ever came about and in the end, ol' boy Ted kinda bitched up.
He finally admitted that he had been involved and instead of him trying to spark the seeds of reconsideration, he allowed the church to back him into a hole. Homeboy came clean and then resigned! Now don't get me wrong because I am in no way condoning the things that he did cause dude was wrong. Not that he was gay but the fact that he lead a double life and was deceiving his wife, kids, and his congregation. The problem was not that he was gay. Instead the problem was that he was not living his life authentically being himself. I know that is kind of hard when you have this image to maintain and this position to keep but i figured that when he found himself surrounded by his crumbled empire, he would have finally had the courage to accept who he was and deal with it. Nope, he instead decided to go to counseling for 3 weeks and come out straight. Ha.
this is enough for now.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Yay!
So a while ago, I had this idea.
I actually sing in a group and we are right now in the process of getting money together so that we can go in the studio. There are many ways to come up with money and some of the people in the group were thinking along the lines of hotdog sales and selling candy and things like that. I am not really for all of that. Well, the idea of putting together some kind of show came into play and my gears started turning. Now, the person in the group that suggested this was talking along the lines of a simple church program. The kind where you round up a few groups and invite the people to come and then you take up an offering. I think that is ok but I was thinking a little bigger.
Let me stop right here and say that I have met a lot of people in my life and now I realize that these meeting are never coincidence. After we started talking about doing a program, I started thinking on a bigger scale. How about doing a concert! I started thinking that we could put on a concert and that would be a great way to make big money. Who would we invite? Well, just so happens that I know of of the background singers for Christopher Lewis. Who is he? You may not know him but he is a super great gospel singer but he don't have a churchy sound.....just like us! The wheels started turning and I got on it to see what I could do.
Anyway, Last night I get a call from my boy who sings with Chris. He lets me know that he talked to Chris and he would love to see what we are talking about. So excited about it in fact that he sent me an e-mail with his numbers. Wow! This stuff is really coming together. This story could be so much more detailed but I am just real excited right now.
I actually sing in a group and we are right now in the process of getting money together so that we can go in the studio. There are many ways to come up with money and some of the people in the group were thinking along the lines of hotdog sales and selling candy and things like that. I am not really for all of that. Well, the idea of putting together some kind of show came into play and my gears started turning. Now, the person in the group that suggested this was talking along the lines of a simple church program. The kind where you round up a few groups and invite the people to come and then you take up an offering. I think that is ok but I was thinking a little bigger.
Let me stop right here and say that I have met a lot of people in my life and now I realize that these meeting are never coincidence. After we started talking about doing a program, I started thinking on a bigger scale. How about doing a concert! I started thinking that we could put on a concert and that would be a great way to make big money. Who would we invite? Well, just so happens that I know of of the background singers for Christopher Lewis. Who is he? You may not know him but he is a super great gospel singer but he don't have a churchy sound.....just like us! The wheels started turning and I got on it to see what I could do.
Anyway, Last night I get a call from my boy who sings with Chris. He lets me know that he talked to Chris and he would love to see what we are talking about. So excited about it in fact that he sent me an e-mail with his numbers. Wow! This stuff is really coming together. This story could be so much more detailed but I am just real excited right now.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
My 'Check Engine' light is back on again
I should have gotten a carfax report on this car before I got it but I just thought that the deal was too good to be true. Maybe it was. Last time I took it to the shop about the engine light, I ended up paying $300 just to have some spark plugs changed and some new wires.
I was 1min late to work this morning. That seems insignificant but actually, I am not supposed to be late, at all, anymore. I hope that this will just slide through the cracks.
Watched "Sometimes in April" last night and cried again. That movie always gets to me and just opens up a flood gate of emotion. Idris Elba really did a great job in that film.
I was 1min late to work this morning. That seems insignificant but actually, I am not supposed to be late, at all, anymore. I hope that this will just slide through the cracks.
Watched "Sometimes in April" last night and cried again. That movie always gets to me and just opens up a flood gate of emotion. Idris Elba really did a great job in that film.
Friday, May 04, 2007
It was amazingly easy
to get off meat. After the dramatics of that master cleanser, I think that my body is just happy to be eating anything. It really doesn't matter that I have had no meat. So the new goals are:
>No meat
>No sugar
>No soda
>No fast food
>6 meals a day
I am also keeping a food journal so that I can keep track of what I eat. I really don't know what the good of that is but all kinds of people keep telling me that I need to do that....oh well.
So my lit teacher hooked me up. He is allowing me a whole month to finish the assignments that I still need to complete. I really think ole boy gets down and maybe that is why he is being nice to me. I really don't think that can be the case because there is no way that he could know about me.....unless he just has that sense. Sometime I think that I can tell about others. Naw, I know I can tell about others. Every time I have ever had a hunch about somebody, it has been true....except for the few that aren't confirmed but they will come around soon. Maybe he can just sense it on me. I don't know but what I do know is that homeboy hooked me up.
We might be going out tonight....I haven't decided yet. I have not seen him since December and this will be a big thing. I still haven't decided yet.
>No meat
>No sugar
>No soda
>No fast food
>6 meals a day
I am also keeping a food journal so that I can keep track of what I eat. I really don't know what the good of that is but all kinds of people keep telling me that I need to do that....oh well.
So my lit teacher hooked me up. He is allowing me a whole month to finish the assignments that I still need to complete. I really think ole boy gets down and maybe that is why he is being nice to me. I really don't think that can be the case because there is no way that he could know about me.....unless he just has that sense. Sometime I think that I can tell about others. Naw, I know I can tell about others. Every time I have ever had a hunch about somebody, it has been true....except for the few that aren't confirmed but they will come around soon. Maybe he can just sense it on me. I don't know but what I do know is that homeboy hooked me up.
We might be going out tonight....I haven't decided yet. I have not seen him since December and this will be a big thing. I still haven't decided yet.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I really messed up this semester
I mean, I really messed up. I only hope that my good grades at the start of this semester can help me out. I mean, I hope that my teachers can see that I do have potential and will grant me an incomplete so that I can start over next semester. Everybody touch and agree with me so that I can get this incomplete this semester.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Fast over
I made it to day 7 and then I had to stop. I just got tired and that "lemon-aid" was getting nasty. I am now going to implement healthy lifestyle changes so that I can really get myself together.
Allow me to just put some thoughts out right quick:
So everybody knows that I am the christian homo and that I have been trying to reconcile those two extremes. Here are some of my new revaluations.
At this point in my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am gay. That word causes a lot of problems in today's society and I am convinced that it all stems from peoples perception of what that word means. It's all the things that are now associated with it. What this word means for me is that I simply have an attraction to men. I've had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I would say that I was born with it but I know what troubles that statement brings up so I will just settle and say it is all I have ever known.
Once upon a time I hated myself because of this attraction. I mean, good "christian" boys don't have those thoughts, do they? I figured that the only reason for my existence was so that I could be kindling in Hell. That had to be what I was made for because I kept getting prayed for and those feelings wouldn't leave. I was born for hell, so I thought.
At the age of 24, I stared on this journey to find out what God really expected of me. I had already come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, gay and at that point there was really nothing that I could do about it. I was starting to get over the thoughts that God hated me and what I wanted was a clear idea of what God wanted from be given my situation. There were plenty of pastors saying "turn away" but on the real, that wasn't practical. They said it as if you could just make up your mind and change your attraction. Of course there were those "Ex-Gay" ministries that were telling people that they could achieve straightness. I had heard too many horror stories about that stuff and honestly, I wondered what "straight" meant to them. Was it just about actions? No, non of that was for me. If I was going to get anything, I decided that it would have to come directly from the God.
I found a great church and it was electrifying. I had turned away from the church for a while but this pastor was bringing me back alive. His words hit my heart and for the first time in my life, I saw how the word of God really applied to my life. I joined the church and I started to get involved. I got so involved that I started to believe that God actually had a purpose for my life. This was a problem because I still had this issue to deal with. I reached out to the Asst. pastor to see how I should proceed. I felt that this church was the place that I needed to be but I had to see where they stood on this issue. Depending on what I got from him, I would have to either conform my views or walk away from the church. The talk with him was ordered by God and what it actually did was fuel the fire in me that needed to get some real clarity on this issue.
Since then, this is where I am with it.
-I am saved and a child of God
-When the bible speaks of homosexuality, it must be speaking of the act and not the attraction because I cannot help my attraction but I can help my actions.
-The attraction is not the problem, it is what I do because of the attraction that is the problem.
-My getting into heaven is not dependent on me being straight
-Deliverance is a decision. It is the decision not to do what my flesh wants to do and instead do what God has called me to do.
-I would never rule out the idea of God making me straight, I just don't waste time dwelling on it. If I am never straight, I will still do what He has called me to do.
So that is what I have come to thus far. One of these day I will write a book. There is a lot more to this that I could write but for now I will leave it at this.
Allow me to just put some thoughts out right quick:
So everybody knows that I am the christian homo and that I have been trying to reconcile those two extremes. Here are some of my new revaluations.
At this point in my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am gay. That word causes a lot of problems in today's society and I am convinced that it all stems from peoples perception of what that word means. It's all the things that are now associated with it. What this word means for me is that I simply have an attraction to men. I've had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I would say that I was born with it but I know what troubles that statement brings up so I will just settle and say it is all I have ever known.
Once upon a time I hated myself because of this attraction. I mean, good "christian" boys don't have those thoughts, do they? I figured that the only reason for my existence was so that I could be kindling in Hell. That had to be what I was made for because I kept getting prayed for and those feelings wouldn't leave. I was born for hell, so I thought.
At the age of 24, I stared on this journey to find out what God really expected of me. I had already come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, gay and at that point there was really nothing that I could do about it. I was starting to get over the thoughts that God hated me and what I wanted was a clear idea of what God wanted from be given my situation. There were plenty of pastors saying "turn away" but on the real, that wasn't practical. They said it as if you could just make up your mind and change your attraction. Of course there were those "Ex-Gay" ministries that were telling people that they could achieve straightness. I had heard too many horror stories about that stuff and honestly, I wondered what "straight" meant to them. Was it just about actions? No, non of that was for me. If I was going to get anything, I decided that it would have to come directly from the God.
I found a great church and it was electrifying. I had turned away from the church for a while but this pastor was bringing me back alive. His words hit my heart and for the first time in my life, I saw how the word of God really applied to my life. I joined the church and I started to get involved. I got so involved that I started to believe that God actually had a purpose for my life. This was a problem because I still had this issue to deal with. I reached out to the Asst. pastor to see how I should proceed. I felt that this church was the place that I needed to be but I had to see where they stood on this issue. Depending on what I got from him, I would have to either conform my views or walk away from the church. The talk with him was ordered by God and what it actually did was fuel the fire in me that needed to get some real clarity on this issue.
Since then, this is where I am with it.
-I am saved and a child of God
-When the bible speaks of homosexuality, it must be speaking of the act and not the attraction because I cannot help my attraction but I can help my actions.
-The attraction is not the problem, it is what I do because of the attraction that is the problem.
-My getting into heaven is not dependent on me being straight
-Deliverance is a decision. It is the decision not to do what my flesh wants to do and instead do what God has called me to do.
-I would never rule out the idea of God making me straight, I just don't waste time dwelling on it. If I am never straight, I will still do what He has called me to do.
So that is what I have come to thus far. One of these day I will write a book. There is a lot more to this that I could write but for now I will leave it at this.
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