Just a few things

1) I have been talking to them lately and as I said before, I feel myself slipping. I see it and yet, I do nothing. Good talk last night and I think we got to the bottom of a few more things but I still can't help but feel as though he may only be telling me what he thinks i need to hear. I told him that I still love him last night and right after I said it, I knew I would regret it today. I write this, regretting.

2) I had a weird dream last night that was full of so much. I saw my little cousin in it. He is actually not very little now and is in jail. I was on some steps and he was above me and I looked across the street and saw his mom. She had on a McDonald's uniform and was waving at us. I looked back at him and he was crying. I wanted to hug him but I couldn't. I didn't want to show my emotions like that because even in the dream, I felt it was "unmasculine". Right as I was thinking this, he actually curled up into my arms like a little baby and we just sat there. After that dream, I am thinking I should reach out to him. I still fear rejection and I really don't know what I can say to him but maybe the knowing that there is someone out here rooting for him will be enough.

3) I have been debating and I think that I have finally decided to go to some sort of vocal training. I have been having this problem of becoming hoarse after singing lately so I figure I must be doing something wrong. Even Though it cost 60 dollars an hour for the training, I think it is worth it.

I wonder if I am making a mistake....

I have allowed him access back into my life. I had control when I would not accept calls or return text but we started talking again. Right now I say that we will never be any more than just friends but the truth is I really don't know. I feel myself falling back into a familiar routine with him and it kind of makes me mad. He does not deserve it! Why do I keep giving it to him?

In other news, Donnie on Friday! I am so excited about seeing him perform and I will be going with my man Sean. Sean is col people and was actually right there for me throughout the whole Travis ordeal. Nothing romantic....at least on my end.

I really feel like I am in a soap opera

Tuesday I get a text informing me that he realizes that he made a mistake and that me misses me. He misses me? This whole thing is surreal. I talked to him yesterday and got down to the bottom of some things that had been on my mind. Yes they had been talking before we were officially done. Yes they other guy did make him think I was cheating. Yes they are now living together but he says he is miserable. According to him it's only a business arrangement.

So what am I supposed to do with this info. I am torn. The truth is I do miss ole boy but at the same time I really feel like he does not deserve even my friendship. Me talking on the phone with him is probably giving him too much. He says he misses me and one part of me is happy about that. I mean, he threw this away not me so why should I let it be so easy for him to turn around.

I told him that I think he needs to be alone. Stop trying to be in a relationship and just be by yourself. See how that is for a while.