For one, I have finally moved into the house (pics coming soon) and things are pretty cool. Things are really coming together with it and right now, the only downside is the fact that I have no cable. I realize my dependence on this trivial thing now. While living with my mom, the tv was constantly on if for nothing more than a backdrop to other things that I was doing. Since i have moved into the house and there is no cable, the tv is rarely on and I am forced to find other ways to entertain myself. I feel a little isolated from the world without the cable. Like there is shot going on and I know nothing about it. At any rate, i am in the process now of getting someone to come out and hook it up....if you know what I mean.
Why do we allow ourselves to get jealous over past lovers. I say "we" but this could be a problem that is exclusively mine. This comes up because the other day T told me that they were entertaining someone new and they even showed me a pic. I got real...weird. I mean, I don't want him. I don't! but at the same time I don't want him to be with anyone else either. I know I can't have it both ways but this is what I am dealing with now. I am trying to work through it by actually encouraging T to go out with ole boy. We shall see how it turns out.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
the weekend was cool
I had a great time playing kickball....well, not playing kickball with all the people. It was a great time.
But as usual, when I left Atlanta i found myself wanting to move. Yeah, i know that everything that glitters aint gold but I really would like to try it. When I was a senior in high school, everybody who knew me knew that I was trying to live there. I remember making the declaration that if i didn't go to school, was moving to Atlanta. Well, I did go to school so my dreams of atl were deferred. When I was later asked to leave SCSU, the dream was on again and this time I even had a partner in crime. My boy D and I were working hard to make that thing happen but then another monkey wrench was thrown into the plan. My car broke down and all the money that I had saved($2000) for the move was put into the car. After that, I started to wonder if it was even in the cards for me to move and basically put it on the back burner.
Now I have a renewed interest to go. I've been playing around with the idea and here are some things that I have come up with:
-if i get fired from this gig, i am leaving
-i want to at least get my associates degree before i move. i can finish down there.
maybe it'll happen....
But as usual, when I left Atlanta i found myself wanting to move. Yeah, i know that everything that glitters aint gold but I really would like to try it. When I was a senior in high school, everybody who knew me knew that I was trying to live there. I remember making the declaration that if i didn't go to school, was moving to Atlanta. Well, I did go to school so my dreams of atl were deferred. When I was later asked to leave SCSU, the dream was on again and this time I even had a partner in crime. My boy D and I were working hard to make that thing happen but then another monkey wrench was thrown into the plan. My car broke down and all the money that I had saved($2000) for the move was put into the car. After that, I started to wonder if it was even in the cards for me to move and basically put it on the back burner.
Now I have a renewed interest to go. I've been playing around with the idea and here are some things that I have come up with:
-if i get fired from this gig, i am leaving
-i want to at least get my associates degree before i move. i can finish down there.
maybe it'll happen....
Friday, June 01, 2007
Cousins
Yesterday my cousin Keita called me to ask me if I would be going to her half sister, Toya's graduation and although I really wanted to, I couldn't since I had to work til 7pm. I did make it to the cookout afterward tho and when I arrived I was taken back down memory lane. It has been such a long time since my cousins and I have gotten together in one place. I remember when I was a yute, grandma Betty Jo's was the place to be. Since then we have all gotten grown, all of us don't really keep in touch like we should but yesterday was a nice rewind to the past.
If I were to think of my youth at my grandmother's house as a sit-com, I would be the star. That may not be accurate but since it is my perception, it is what it is. Actually, I would actually be a co-star with my cousin Keita.
Keita- My dear cousin that is more like a sister. This is because we both grew up as only children...kinda. I mean, she has siblings by her dad(my uncle) but she is her mom's only child. I remember looking up to her when we were younger. That seems odd, right? I am older than she but it seemed as if she was living a great life. I remember in middle school, she moved to Columbia(SC) and I moved to Lucedale(MS) but we stayed in touch with letters at least once a week. I never shared this with her but I remember looking forward to those letters like they were manna from heaven. I was so alone when I first moved to Mississippi and those letters kept me in a familiar place even though everything around me was new.
Now she is grown with a cool ass husband and two beautiful kids. They just got a new house and things seem to be looking great for their future. I was so happy when she and her husband decided to move from Columbia back to Greenville because I saw it as a chance for me to maybe get back into her life. I love that girl and I hope she knows it.
Brittney- This is Keita's sister(by her dad) and she was another character in "My Grandma's House". Brittney was always the quiet one and you never could really get an idea about what she really thought. She talked very little and this is a trait that she still has today. I remember that she was like the shadow for Keita and I growing up. Whenever we wanted to spend the night at Grandma's house, we would call and get her in on it too.
In high school, I moved back to Greenville from Lucedale to actually live with my grandmother and at this time, Brittney became my co-star. Keita was living in Columbia, going to a fabulous high school and not really coming back to Greenville too often so the show went on with Brittney and I.
Since she has gotten older, the relationship that we once had is gone. I don't know but it seems kinda weird when I talk to her now. I really don't know how to approach her. I think I still want to pick up where we left off but she is now a woman with 2 kids so that won't work. Things are just different now. I don't even really know her kids and I don't feel a pull toward them as I do with Keita's. I think that I will try to work on that relationship this year.
Toya- The youngest character on the show and all of the cousins were united in hate against her. She was the last grandchild born(at that time) and as such, received all the perks that come with that title. Hate is not the correct word to describe what I felt toward Toya when she was a child because I actually adored her. As a baby she was adorable and all I wanted to do was keep her happy. I think a better word for the feeling that I had was jealousy. It was as if she took my role when she was born. There was no hate tho.Just the regular feelings that most kids have I guess.
Now she is getting older. Graduated yesterday and I am kinda scared for her. No job and no real plans for the future so it makes me a little nervous.
So when I came home last night another of my cousins was sitting in our living room. I hadn't seen Desmond in a while so I was a little surprised. Seems that he has gotten into a little trouble for touching his little brother. This is a sticky situation and I am unsure how to even react to this. What I know for sure is that I don't want to see him ostracized by this. I mean, he is a young kid and as I always say, this type of behaviour does not come out of thin air. I believe that he is just acting out behavior that he was subjected to and therefore what we need to work on is breaking the cycle.
It is no secret that this type of thing happens in my family. My mom was molested by her step father while growing up and I even had encounters with an uncle when I was younger. It's like there is a virus that wants to run wild in the family and I believe it feeds on secrets and people ignoring it. I just hope that him living with us will be a good thing for him and it will help cause the healing process for the family. Who knows.
If I were to think of my youth at my grandmother's house as a sit-com, I would be the star. That may not be accurate but since it is my perception, it is what it is. Actually, I would actually be a co-star with my cousin Keita.
Keita- My dear cousin that is more like a sister. This is because we both grew up as only children...kinda. I mean, she has siblings by her dad(my uncle) but she is her mom's only child. I remember looking up to her when we were younger. That seems odd, right? I am older than she but it seemed as if she was living a great life. I remember in middle school, she moved to Columbia(SC) and I moved to Lucedale(MS) but we stayed in touch with letters at least once a week. I never shared this with her but I remember looking forward to those letters like they were manna from heaven. I was so alone when I first moved to Mississippi and those letters kept me in a familiar place even though everything around me was new.
Now she is grown with a cool ass husband and two beautiful kids. They just got a new house and things seem to be looking great for their future. I was so happy when she and her husband decided to move from Columbia back to Greenville because I saw it as a chance for me to maybe get back into her life. I love that girl and I hope she knows it.
Brittney- This is Keita's sister(by her dad) and she was another character in "My Grandma's House". Brittney was always the quiet one and you never could really get an idea about what she really thought. She talked very little and this is a trait that she still has today. I remember that she was like the shadow for Keita and I growing up. Whenever we wanted to spend the night at Grandma's house, we would call and get her in on it too.
In high school, I moved back to Greenville from Lucedale to actually live with my grandmother and at this time, Brittney became my co-star. Keita was living in Columbia, going to a fabulous high school and not really coming back to Greenville too often so the show went on with Brittney and I.
Since she has gotten older, the relationship that we once had is gone. I don't know but it seems kinda weird when I talk to her now. I really don't know how to approach her. I think I still want to pick up where we left off but she is now a woman with 2 kids so that won't work. Things are just different now. I don't even really know her kids and I don't feel a pull toward them as I do with Keita's. I think that I will try to work on that relationship this year.
Toya- The youngest character on the show and all of the cousins were united in hate against her. She was the last grandchild born(at that time) and as such, received all the perks that come with that title. Hate is not the correct word to describe what I felt toward Toya when she was a child because I actually adored her. As a baby she was adorable and all I wanted to do was keep her happy. I think a better word for the feeling that I had was jealousy. It was as if she took my role when she was born. There was no hate tho.Just the regular feelings that most kids have I guess.
Now she is getting older. Graduated yesterday and I am kinda scared for her. No job and no real plans for the future so it makes me a little nervous.
So when I came home last night another of my cousins was sitting in our living room. I hadn't seen Desmond in a while so I was a little surprised. Seems that he has gotten into a little trouble for touching his little brother. This is a sticky situation and I am unsure how to even react to this. What I know for sure is that I don't want to see him ostracized by this. I mean, he is a young kid and as I always say, this type of behaviour does not come out of thin air. I believe that he is just acting out behavior that he was subjected to and therefore what we need to work on is breaking the cycle.
It is no secret that this type of thing happens in my family. My mom was molested by her step father while growing up and I even had encounters with an uncle when I was younger. It's like there is a virus that wants to run wild in the family and I believe it feeds on secrets and people ignoring it. I just hope that him living with us will be a good thing for him and it will help cause the healing process for the family. Who knows.
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