I've got a new hobby!

Since I started riding the bus, I have recently taken an interest in trying to guess the ages of riders. People watching has always been a hobby of mine but this bus thing has only heightened it. The thing about guessing peoples ages though, is that it's kinda hard to tell with some people. Also, in the end, you never really know if you are right. I mean, it's not like I am about to ask that lovely older woman just how old she is to see if I won the game.

like I said, it's really hard to do with some people. What I have noticed is that white people look way older than their years while black people look younger. I guess that old adage about black not cracking is true. There is one guy that really intrigues me. He walks with a cane and his body tells the story of a man that has seen many years but his face says something totally different. This man is painfully attractive! I have often found myself staring at this man wondering what he must have been like in his youth. I would like to take his picture so that I could show it to people so they can see the epitome of "growing old gracefully". Trying to figure his age always frustrates me because I always struggle with the what I come up with. Most guesses I think are too old and are contradicted by his face while the others are too young according to his body. No matter what his age, it's nice to look at him.

My relationshit

I love you, I think. I have actually never been here before so I am really not sure how it's supposed to be. You say you love me too but for some reason I still doubt it. I think this is due to my insecurities. It's sad but yes, at 27 years old I am still dealing with not liking myself. Seems that through this whole situation I have just been waiting for you to finally come to your senses and drop me because you and I both know that you can do better than me. I hate to make you suffer because of what's wrong with me but truth be told, I really don't know how to act. On one hand I don't want to loose you but then again I feel like I should push you away in order to save myself the heartache. I keep trying to prove to myself that you don't want me because then I can say to myself "I told you so". It scares me to just give myself up completely to you/this because again, I don't want to be hurt. If I keep you at a distance and always act as if I am on the verge of letting you go, I can protect myself. Drop you before you drop me.
How can a person ever really know another's true feelings? You can't and that is part of the problem. I need to be sure that I am not making a fool of myself but I am learning that life is not like that. You have to take chances and hope for the best. This is my main problem because I like, too much, to be in control. I need to know that specific actions bring specific outcomes but this whole situation is not logical. Actions are often made and there is no rhyme or reason that can me applied to the equation to make it make sense.
Yes, you make me jealous when you talk to him. I am still scared that he has the power to take you away from me. He still has a part of you that I can never get to. No matter what you tell me I still feel as if I have not made it to the place that he has. I am second best and the one you settled for.
You are right when you say that I listen to my friends a lot. I know that their advice is sketchy at best but what else do I have? The alternative is to just listen and believe what you say and I can't do that. You have to understand that the advice that comes from them is given because they don't want me to be foolish. I know that according to them, I have already crossed the line.
"I love you" is a statement that I say to you often but what does it prove when the meaning of these words are unclear? I love you as much as I know about love but my understanding could be wrong. I am still trying to find the romantic movie love but maybe that just doesn't exist. I think that I am wasting my time looking for you to act like the movies. Maybe it's not practical to look for romance from you all the time and I need to just settle for what you do offer.

Time to get serious.

I just haven't been feeling writing as of late. Seems like nothing is really going on or at least nothing to write about. I want to be consistent with this tho so I will force myself to put down something interesting or not.

Last night my friend Monty hung up the phone on me. We had an argument, I guess. See, I have to question weather or not it was a true argument because if it was, I was not an active participant. I know arguments! When I am in an argument, the bottom line is for me to show the other person where they are wrong and how ignorant they are for thinking that they are right. In an argument I tend to be cut throat and feelings of the opponent are not spared. I did none of this last night. In this conversation I was only trying to give my friend some helpful advice and the only reason that I assume it had to be an argument is because he hung up the phone on me. That is what people in arguments do.

It really does not matter what the argument was about because that is not what is important. The most important thing is that he hung up the phone on me. In my humble opinion, hanging up the phone while having a conversation or an argument is a immature thing. It's childish! What this action says about the person who does it is that their brain has not yet developed the skills to communicate an idea or an opinion if another party disagrees with them. This means that their skills only allow them to participate in conversation only if everyone agrees with them. That's silly!

At any rate, my friend Monty is now upset with me for trying to give him a little advice. Hopefully he will think about his actions and call me up and I will still be cool with him cause like I said, he is my boy. And even when he finally decides to call me back, I will still finish giving him the advice that I started. He needs to hear it.

God is Good

In all that I go through he is good. And I hesitate to say "all that I go through" cause I actually don't go through a lot. Sure right now I have no car and that forces me to depend on the bus and friends to get around but this situation makes me loose some of the pride that I have. Not the kind of pride that makes me think that I am better than someone else. It's the type of pride that would make me walk a couple of miles to a gas station instead of calling someone to help me out(true story). The fact of the matter is we sometimes need people to help us and it is a big person that can humble themselves and ask for it.

This whole looking for a car thing is kinda tough. I can't decide if I should go for what I want or go for what I can afford. Well, I know that I will have to go for what I can afford but what I mean is should I just get any car for the money that I have or should I look for the car I want at the price that I have. If I focus on the car I want this bus thing may be a while but if I just get what I can get then I will feel like I wasted the money. I just don't know what to do. I have given myself until May(maybe June) to do this bus thing. All I know is that I cannot go into the winter this way. Too cold to be waiting for the bus.