day 5

I just had a thought. I don't think that I will title any more of my blog entries by the fast day that I am on. People may start to think that that is the only thing that is going on in my life....and it's not! As a matter of fact, yesterday I went to the movies and saw "The Reaping"
Great movie!! Well, I thought it was a great movie. It contained 2 ingredients that always make a beautiful scary movie for me.
1) Plot had heavy biblical base
2) Strong occult references
.....I know right but hey, that's what I like. I don't know why but for a movie to really be scary to me, it needs to have that God vs. satan factor. I mean....I don't believe in boogie men and things like that but I do believe in the battle for our soul. Here's what always gets me about these movies tho: They always portray God/Jesus as if he is weak. Like satan actually has a fighting chance in a battle. Especially if the religion of choice in the movie is Catholicism (see "The Exorcist). Catholics basically have no power when fighting evil forces and they make it look as if God barely helps them. As a non-catholic, I am taught that whenever the adversary comes against us, we can make him flee with the name of Jesus. I want to make a horror movie that uses all this but what I would add is Jesus....nobody ever uses him. They always refer to God and they always use old testament scriptures. The only movie I ever saw that actually Incorporated the power of Jesus was "Def By Temptation". I think that's why that movie scared me so much as a yute. I can relate to it. I grew up in a church with demons being cast out and what not. Anyway, the movie was great. Scared the hell out of me.

After the movie I decided to visit my cousin Keita. I love that chick. She is more like my sister than my cousin because we both grew up as only children with crazy single moms. We are 1 year apart(me older) and we basically grew up together until she moved to Colombia maybe in the 3rd or 4th grade. Then I moved to Mississippi in the 7th grade but we stayed in touch through letters. I wonder if she still has any. I wonder what I did with mine. So life goes on and so did we and it seems that we basically lost our closeness. Well since we have grown up, we have both ended up back in Grenville and now she has a little family of her own. I am hoping that we can get that closeness again.

While I was a their house yesterday, I went into detail about the fast. I told her what I was ingesting and she bust out laughing.....She said that the ingredients* sounded like a bunch of condiments. I had to admit, that was funny. We both laughed for a good 10mins off that.


*ingredients in the lemon aid for fast
-lemon or lime juice
-maple syrup
-cayenne pepper
all mixed with water

People are eating

and I feel like they are doing it in my face. Fried chicken and such. I have not been hungry until today. And wow am I hungry. I hope this subsides. and why do I keep sneezing?

day 3 and the start of day 4.

I was off yesterday so I was really looking forward to some rest and I got that. The day was pretty regular even though I was a little apprehensive about it. I mean, people are always talking about how day 3 is the hardest. So far, this time, it's been day one. After that, everything else has been smooth.

I am really doing something really stupid as far as school goes right now but at this point I am too far to go back. It's so dumb that I don't even want to have record of it on this blog. I keep trying to not think about it because if I don't think about it, it really didn't happen. I am being really stupid right now.

Spiritual talk:
So last night, I woke up at about 12am and I could not go back to sleep. Usually when this happens I assume that God would like to speak with me so I pray. It's so sad but I don't really pray on a regular. It's something that I want to get more into but at this point I am real slack. Anyway, I had an epiphany last night: Jesus is my purpose.
So what that means to me is that the only reason that I am on this earth is to show his love. To show how he loves me. To show that if he can love me surely he can love you. All the things that I have been through in my life were designed so that I could proclaim his love(deep ain't it). I am because he is.

Today is cool so far. Not hungry in the least but I do miss eating. Only because I realize that eating is not just something that we do to sustain our lives, it is also a social activity. At least it is that way in America. Maybe that is the reason all of us are so fat. yesterday I saw on the news where they want to pass legislation that will dictate what kids can have for lunch at school because they are so fat. I really think that:
#1 it is not really the governments responsibility to regulate what kids can and cannot eat. What about the parents? I mean, you curb them at school but what about when they go home?
#2 the parents are the ones who need to be educated. If they are taught to make healthy choices then the kids would.
All this government involvement is really a waste of time to me. the committee that they put together to research this could have been researching a way to end homelessness and poverty in America.

Day Number 3

And things are going well.
kinda tired right now so I will do details about today, tomorrow.

yesterday was the worst

I started off with a irritation in my throat so I thought that I was coming down with something. By the end of my work day, all I wanted to do was go home and lie down. I did that, I started getting chills and I was thinking that I was getting the flu. Again, some would say that it was just my body reacting to the shock of the fast. All those toxins fighting this healthy choice.

At about 10pm last night I decided to do the lax tea. My stomach was a bit funny but I knew I had to do it. I also had a little bit of the lemon aid left so I was gonna down that too. I also bought a Brita pitcher yesterday so I wanted to see what the water tasted like. I proceeded to down the rest of the lemon aid. Then I downed the tea. Then I downed the water. I down for a minute, then I stood up. I could feel my stomach reacting. I was thinking that I was gonna throw up but I tried to stop it. I was unsuccessful. Projectile vomit all over my room. The good thing about it tho was that it was only water. Not too hard to clean up. Funny thing about it tho is that after I did that, I felt 100% better.

Woke up this morning at about 6:30 and I was a little angry because I know that I need at least an hour for the salt water cleanse. Since I usually leave the house around 7:30, I was scared that I would not have enough time. Everything worked out. It's like peeing through your but.

This morning I read a psalm and it was talking about a unicorn. The bible is crazy.

As I type this, I feel terrible

First off, all those apples I ate yesterday in preparation for today did a number on my stomach. This morning as I was making the lemon aid, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen and had to run to the bathroom. The contents rushed out of my bowels as soon as I was over the seat. I hardly had enough time to sit down. I forgot apples/apple juice make me go.....I had 7 of 'em.

Right now I feel yucky. I just feel "blah". My stomach keeps doing these rolls and I have a slight irritation in my throat. You know that feeling you get right before you get a sore throat? That's what I feel right now. I am wondering if maybe I should have waited before the fast.

Now, some people would say that the reason that I am feeling so bad is because my body is so toxic. I have a nagging, dull pain in my chest right now and all I want to do is go to sleep. This is just the first day! So, as I was saying, many people believe that the worse a person feels during detox, the worse shape they were in. All this bad shit is struggling as it leaves my body. I guess the good thing is that it is going. Usually the first couple of days are hard but I am feeling in a way today. There is also pain in my back. This is the first day!

detox

Today is the first day of the master cleanse detox. I have done this already a few times but I plan to make this my most successful. I don't really have a set number of days that I will do it. I think that I will just keep going until I just can't go anymore. I already feel my body working against me. This morning I woke up and had to immediately run to the bathroom cause I had the squirts something terrible. I guess that it could have something to do with the fact that I ate 7 apples yesterday as a way to prepare myself for this fast.

What do I want from this.......that is a very good question. I guess first and foremost I want to just detox so that I can get a fresh start with the diet and exercise routine. I been killing myself lately with my horrible eating habits and I just need a start over. And since I believe that all fast have, or can have a spiritual element, I also want to take advantage of that. There are just a few things that me and God need to get on and understand.

I plan to dramatically limit tv and phone convo. I find that most of the time those two things will take me off my game when I am trying to fast. Hoping that I get a lot of writing done and I plan to write here at least once a day. I want to write letters too.
Marcus
Clarence
we'll see what happens.

I think that I started this one off sloppy but I am not gonna let that make me change my mind. If I can just make it to the 3rd day, I will be cool . 1,2, and 3 are the hardest for me but after that, I am cool.

Darien Brockington....is that your real name?

I meant to ask him that when I met him on saturday night. I was a little buzzed so i couldn't remember everything I wanted to say to him. I don't know why but I remember his hands being so soft. I don't understand why that stands out so much to me.

It's sometimes such a pleasure to meet OKP's. Sometimes they really are the same online, on the phone and, in person. Sometimes it makes me think that I am really glad that I keep going on that site because I keep meeting cool people. Sometimes.

And while I am on it, how in the hell do you approach someone that you have seen online? I mean, yall aint cool or anything but chatted up a few times on a message board and you have seen their pic online. Can you approach without looking like a stalker. I don't think so and this is why I did not approach any on saturday. I saw so many people that I knew from OKP but I am not the one to look like an herb. As I write this i am recalling that I did wave at one of these internet people that I don't really know and I bet he was on some, "who the hell is that".........i feel so dumb right now as I think about it. The hell I wave for?

Watching Darien on stage got me thinking about doing that. Second time this week that I have had these thoughts. It's funny cause I actually have 2 life paths running in my head at the same time. On one path I am finishing up school, teaching for a few years and finally becoming a writter or something. On the other I am pursuing a career in music and making it as a singer and then a songwriter. I can see both of these for myself and at this point I am working at both. I sometimes feel like I am cheating on them.

I did that thing today, that I said I wouldn't

I have yet another new trainee and as always, I am all up in her business. Whenever I get one and they are black, I just somehow end up in their affairs. It's not a bad thing cause I love to try out my pseudo-psychology but what I always find is that the other party always wants a trade off. If they tell me what is going on in their life, they feel that I should also be telling about mine. Of course we all know that shit is not that simple. I got to work here!!

Anyway, the new chick is having problem in her relationship so you know that I was ready to give advice. I gave her some jewels (if i do say so myself) but after I did, she wanted to know my credentials. She wanted to know about my relationship experience.......so I told her my story, being ever so careful to use "they" and "them" as opposed to "he" and "him". That was going well but today I did the shit that I said I would never do........I used "she" for "he"

OK, so some might say that this is no big deal but it is to me. I tell folks all the time how I refuse to let people put me in boxes that make them comfortable while suffocating me so to use the pronoun "she" makes me look hypocritical. After I told my mom about the real me, I was determined that I would always be authentic. No more lies for me. For the most part I have done this....but then again, it's not really hard when people don't ask you.

So why did I do it? I could say that it was to make her comfortable because I could sense that she had already put me in the "straight" box. I didn't want to shatter her world. I think the truth is that no matter how much I say I don't want to be in boxes, sometimes the boxes are comfortable. It's so effortless to allow people to think that I am straight and really, it's just as easy to go that extra step. No explanation about how I can be gay and call myself a christian. No answering dumb questions like, "How can you do that?" Sometimes it's just easier to be put in the box. Although, if you think about it, by me saying "she" instead of "he", it's like I took the box from her and just climbed in.

I said that I wanted to be comfortable with me no matter how others felt but the truth is, how others feel is still important to me. I feel like I would have no problems saying "yes" if someone were to point blank ask me if I am gay but to have to say it voluntarily, that is a whole other creature.

since my mom is married now

it is time to leave the nest. Dude is cool and all but that place aint big enough for the both of us.

ewwww @ i heard them fucking last night......dude's stroke is mad fast

anyway, I'm trying to get out of there asap. I was hoping that I could be gone by this weekend but since there is no gas turned on in the new place and the water won't be on until Monday, I am stuck. My mom really does not want me to leave but I think that it would be best for me to leave now, on a good note. When my boy D's mom got married, that shit turned ugly. He was living with them and they were making him pay rent and his mom and the new daddy ended up taking my boy to court. Shit was ugly and I am gonna do everything in my power to not end up that way.

And like I said before, dude is cool. I really don't have any qualms about him. As far as I can tell he is a cool dude. I will just have to wait and see.