So I did it again....

I am so dumb. Why did i think that I could even be friends with them. So selfish they are! What's funny is that I always knew this but chose to look over it. Why do we do that? I guess I thought that I could change them.....or maybe I thought that this was what I deserved. I think that I was probably just drawn to them because of their attractiveness so I decided that I would look past all the rest of the things that were wrong with them. Hell, weren't they accepting me, with my fat ass? I guess that's what it really boils down too. People will put up with a lot of shit because bottom line is, they don't think they deserve any better. That was me. But no more. I think i would rather be alone.

Ok, now that that is over let's focus on NYC. I think that I need this. I will treat this trip as if it is the first step in the real journey that is my life. Every since Jamaco passed I just been in a real funk. I hope that this helps me get out of it.

Why is my mom's new husband a crackhead? She asked me to come talk to him today....the fuck I sposed to say to him. That is their life, right? He is a grown ass man who knows what he is doing. What could i possibly say to him that would change him. I don't think that I will get involved with that unless I have to.
but here's the deal tho: I knew from the very beginning that something just didnt sit right with me. I mean, something about him just registered funny with me. I knew he had done drugs in his past but he and my mom assured me that that was a thing of his past. They even decided to cut his rehab short to get married cause he was over that stuff. Ha! Crack is a helluva drug. As i was saying tho, he just came off as phony to me. I couldn't quite place my finger on it but i knew that there was more to him than he was letting on. Now i see that the problem was that he still did have a substance abuce problem and he was too arrogant to seek any help. We shall see what comes of this.

I really can't grow a beard

cause this hair on my face is getting on my nerves.

What in the hell am I doing. Falling back into a situation with Trap. I think that nik-name suits him. I did some dirt, he did some dirt so both of us were foul. I think that it would not be unusual for us to start this thing again. Maybe I am just doing it out of convenience tho because it is hard out there. But then I think about the fact that we invested a lot of time in that thing. Don't want to just throw it away. At any rate I am just going with the flow but I have decided that I will not make any commitments. I will play for as long as he allows without making anything concrete.

So a nigg is finally feeling like he is at home. It took a min cause at first i felt real uncomfortable in the new place. I mean, i grew up here but that was a long time ago. It's different without the signs of my great grandmother there. Everything was blank when I moved in and it was alomost as if it wasn't her house. Things are feeling comfortable now tho and lately I have been contemplating if I want to try to buy it. This sounds great but I am not even sure if i want to stay in SC. I really want to move away from here soon but my problem with that is that I am way too comfortable here.

a few things that have taken place since we last spoke

let's just rehash.

- Went to ATL again for a little river tubing and that was a trip. First of all my fat ass should have just passed on this adventure. I lost my digital camera, my debit card, and the use of my right foot for about 6wks. All in all it was fun tho and as always the ATL folks were cool as shit.

- Talking to Trap once again although I am not sure in what capacity. We did a little something.....but that does not mean that things are back to normal. I think that what I am going to try to do with this ride it out to see how far it goes without making any kind of commitment.

-I have not been to the gym in forever and now that my leg is fucked up, i am just not interested in going. Once again I am on this kick about not going into my 30's as a fat boy so I think that I need to get on the move. Why in the hell is it so hard to loose weight and so easy to gain it. Life is so unfair at times.

-Back to ATL, Went all the way down there with the intentions of seeing Shannen and it didn't even happen. I was going to go see him when we got back from tubing but as I stated earlier, I messed up my ankle and was forced to go right back to Greenville. I knew that I was in no shape to see him so I just went on home. He talked to me the entire way back tho and that is a good thing because I was sleepy as hell. Things always happen for a reason so I have to believe that it was in the plans that I did not get to see him. Hopefully next time.

-I bought my ticket yesterday for NYC. 9/18-24! I am soooo excited and I hope that the trip will be outstanding. I am excited cause this country aint been that far up nawth before.