Listening to Beyonce' Green Light....

I am about to be 30 years old. Next year on September 22nd I will have been on this earth for 30 years! I think that shit is pretty deep. It's deep to me. I mean, when I was young I would imagine that by this time in my life I would be well on my way into something. I would be in a steady career, have a significant other and have a general idea of where the rest of my life would be going. The reality is that I am 29 and I work at a hospital call center. I am a fat gay man. I am not in a relationship right now and have none on the horizon. I have no real friends in this city that I live in and I think that I am just generally tired of this life that I am living.

No I dont want to kill myself.

I just need something more. I think that moving to Atlanta will be a good move for me and that is why I am planning to do so next year.

I think I need to amend that friend thing. I do have friends that live here. I just dont relaly like them much. Wait, that may be a little harsh. I think that what I mean is that I just dont really think that I have a lot in common with them. Maybe it's me.

I really want to write. I think. Actually, I have no clue what I want to do with my life but I think that I need to figure it out soon because I am not getting any younger. I think that I could write. Maybe. I think that my main problem is that I need to be a bit more disciplined. I could write here more often but i never really stay on task with it. I think that if I want to be serious about it, i will need to be more serious about it.

This is a nothing entry. I just felt that I needed to put some shit down. any writing is better than no writing.

so...what is going on with me

Not much.

New Years is fast approaching(notice I skipped right past Christmas) and I plan to be in Atlanta. Just like last year.

It's been a year sonce J died and I am still coping.

I need to really write here more often. Reading over some of my other stuff....I often have to remember that I wrote it. Some of my shit is pretty good. Augusten Burroughs is my inspiration.

I am going to make a declaration that I will write here at least 1nce a week. It really does make me better.

Wassup Jamaco.

It's been a whole year since you have been gone and I am still trying to get used to it. Time goes by so fast and it's hard to believe that it's been that long since we last spoke. Everyday it seems like I do something and want to share it with you but I know I cant. In the beginning I would wish that I could but now I realize that this was selfish. I mean, why would I want to take you away from paradise just so I could have my homey back.

I am still on the outs with your baby moms. You said that bitch was crazy and now I see it. We haven't seen your seed since the funeral man. You know he still hasn't gotten any of the Christmas stuff from last year! I mean, I think we all have tried to do our part to honor your memory and when he gets a little older, hopefully he will be able to interact with us more.

I'm still fucking with BJ man. Now that you are gone I realize that you were the glue that kept us together. We still try to keep in touch tho just like you are still here. He got his thing going on in ATL and every time I go visit, I imagine that you are in the passenger side sleep. Just the way we used to do it.

Trying to stay in touch with your Grandma man but I must confess, it's hard. I always want to breakdown after we talk so I don't talk to her much. I know that would probably make you mad man so I am going to do better. As a matter of fact, I think I will call her today.

I really just want to say thank you man. Thank you for being my friend. My brother. Thank you for not tripping when I told you I was gay. Thank you for still calling me a fag but not with the hateful overtones. Thank you for picking me up when my car was fucked up. Thanks for going to breakfast with me when i should have been at work. Thanks for sharing Kast and Bilal with me. just than you.

Till we see each other again. peace.