That nigg went to jail

Thursday morning my mom calls me crying talking about "They took him away!" She calmed down after a few mins and finally told me that her husband had been taken away from their apartment in handcuffs for all the neighbors to see. Turns out that this guy has been robbing stores and shit. The Fuck!??

It all started about 3 weeks ago when he lost his job. We still are not totally sure how he lost it but what we do know is that he was fired. A few days after he lost the job is when he came up missing and when my mom called me to help look for him. After all that drama and he came home after his crack binge, my mom finally told me how this was not the first time that he had done this. They were trying to keep it under wraps but seems that he was out of control. Of course after he came back that time he promised to do better and even went out to look for jobs. About a week after that incident, he started hanging out again and getting into things that we had no idea about. All that leading up to thursday.

On thursday morning my mom was supposed to take him to get a haircut. She says that he tried to talk her into letting him go alone but at this point, she aint trust his ass to walk to the dumpster. As they were getting ready there was a knock at the door and guess who it was. The police! Came in the house and proceeded to tell the story of how homeboy robbed 2 stores. All this time, this nigg been robbing and shit and we had no idea. It's like, you never really know people. On a positive note tho, the people he robbed said that he was very friendly......

So now dude is in the detention center talking bout he want to get bailed out. I told my mom that she is gonna do what she wants to do but if it were me, i would let his ass lay up in there. I mean, he is gonna have to go to trail so why waste money getting him out when he will probably end up going back anyway. Plus, he may luck up on some kind of treatment and if he stays in, they may give him time served when the trial comes up. I hope she does the smart thing and let him stay in there.

But what of my mother? That is the question that is in my head now. I mean, the only reason that I moved out of the house was because she got married and i wanted them to have their little situation. Now that he is locked up, her income is short again. She says she will try to get a part time job and I hope that works out. Moving back in with her is not really an option right now and I don't know if I am too keen on her moving in with me. She grown! She needs to work that shit out.

So I did it again....

I am so dumb. Why did i think that I could even be friends with them. So selfish they are! What's funny is that I always knew this but chose to look over it. Why do we do that? I guess I thought that I could change them.....or maybe I thought that this was what I deserved. I think that I was probably just drawn to them because of their attractiveness so I decided that I would look past all the rest of the things that were wrong with them. Hell, weren't they accepting me, with my fat ass? I guess that's what it really boils down too. People will put up with a lot of shit because bottom line is, they don't think they deserve any better. That was me. But no more. I think i would rather be alone.

Ok, now that that is over let's focus on NYC. I think that I need this. I will treat this trip as if it is the first step in the real journey that is my life. Every since Jamaco passed I just been in a real funk. I hope that this helps me get out of it.

Why is my mom's new husband a crackhead? She asked me to come talk to him today....the fuck I sposed to say to him. That is their life, right? He is a grown ass man who knows what he is doing. What could i possibly say to him that would change him. I don't think that I will get involved with that unless I have to.
but here's the deal tho: I knew from the very beginning that something just didnt sit right with me. I mean, something about him just registered funny with me. I knew he had done drugs in his past but he and my mom assured me that that was a thing of his past. They even decided to cut his rehab short to get married cause he was over that stuff. Ha! Crack is a helluva drug. As i was saying tho, he just came off as phony to me. I couldn't quite place my finger on it but i knew that there was more to him than he was letting on. Now i see that the problem was that he still did have a substance abuce problem and he was too arrogant to seek any help. We shall see what comes of this.

I really can't grow a beard

cause this hair on my face is getting on my nerves.

What in the hell am I doing. Falling back into a situation with Trap. I think that nik-name suits him. I did some dirt, he did some dirt so both of us were foul. I think that it would not be unusual for us to start this thing again. Maybe I am just doing it out of convenience tho because it is hard out there. But then I think about the fact that we invested a lot of time in that thing. Don't want to just throw it away. At any rate I am just going with the flow but I have decided that I will not make any commitments. I will play for as long as he allows without making anything concrete.

So a nigg is finally feeling like he is at home. It took a min cause at first i felt real uncomfortable in the new place. I mean, i grew up here but that was a long time ago. It's different without the signs of my great grandmother there. Everything was blank when I moved in and it was alomost as if it wasn't her house. Things are feeling comfortable now tho and lately I have been contemplating if I want to try to buy it. This sounds great but I am not even sure if i want to stay in SC. I really want to move away from here soon but my problem with that is that I am way too comfortable here.

a few things that have taken place since we last spoke

let's just rehash.

- Went to ATL again for a little river tubing and that was a trip. First of all my fat ass should have just passed on this adventure. I lost my digital camera, my debit card, and the use of my right foot for about 6wks. All in all it was fun tho and as always the ATL folks were cool as shit.

- Talking to Trap once again although I am not sure in what capacity. We did a little something.....but that does not mean that things are back to normal. I think that what I am going to try to do with this ride it out to see how far it goes without making any kind of commitment.

-I have not been to the gym in forever and now that my leg is fucked up, i am just not interested in going. Once again I am on this kick about not going into my 30's as a fat boy so I think that I need to get on the move. Why in the hell is it so hard to loose weight and so easy to gain it. Life is so unfair at times.

-Back to ATL, Went all the way down there with the intentions of seeing Shannen and it didn't even happen. I was going to go see him when we got back from tubing but as I stated earlier, I messed up my ankle and was forced to go right back to Greenville. I knew that I was in no shape to see him so I just went on home. He talked to me the entire way back tho and that is a good thing because I was sleepy as hell. Things always happen for a reason so I have to believe that it was in the plans that I did not get to see him. Hopefully next time.

-I bought my ticket yesterday for NYC. 9/18-24! I am soooo excited and I hope that the trip will be outstanding. I am excited cause this country aint been that far up nawth before.

So much has taken place since the last time I wrote

For one, I have finally moved into the house (pics coming soon) and things are pretty cool. Things are really coming together with it and right now, the only downside is the fact that I have no cable. I realize my dependence on this trivial thing now. While living with my mom, the tv was constantly on if for nothing more than a backdrop to other things that I was doing. Since i have moved into the house and there is no cable, the tv is rarely on and I am forced to find other ways to entertain myself. I feel a little isolated from the world without the cable. Like there is shot going on and I know nothing about it. At any rate, i am in the process now of getting someone to come out and hook it up....if you know what I mean.

Why do we allow ourselves to get jealous over past lovers. I say "we" but this could be a problem that is exclusively mine. This comes up because the other day T told me that they were entertaining someone new and they even showed me a pic. I got real...weird. I mean, I don't want him. I don't! but at the same time I don't want him to be with anyone else either. I know I can't have it both ways but this is what I am dealing with now. I am trying to work through it by actually encouraging T to go out with ole boy. We shall see how it turns out.

the weekend was cool

I had a great time playing kickball....well, not playing kickball with all the people. It was a great time.

But as usual, when I left Atlanta i found myself wanting to move. Yeah, i know that everything that glitters aint gold but I really would like to try it. When I was a senior in high school, everybody who knew me knew that I was trying to live there. I remember making the declaration that if i didn't go to school, was moving to Atlanta. Well, I did go to school so my dreams of atl were deferred. When I was later asked to leave SCSU, the dream was on again and this time I even had a partner in crime. My boy D and I were working hard to make that thing happen but then another monkey wrench was thrown into the plan. My car broke down and all the money that I had saved($2000) for the move was put into the car. After that, I started to wonder if it was even in the cards for me to move and basically put it on the back burner.

Now I have a renewed interest to go. I've been playing around with the idea and here are some things that I have come up with:
-if i get fired from this gig, i am leaving
-i want to at least get my associates degree before i move. i can finish down there.
maybe it'll happen....

Cousins

Yesterday my cousin Keita called me to ask me if I would be going to her half sister, Toya's graduation and although I really wanted to, I couldn't since I had to work til 7pm. I did make it to the cookout afterward tho and when I arrived I was taken back down memory lane. It has been such a long time since my cousins and I have gotten together in one place. I remember when I was a yute, grandma Betty Jo's was the place to be. Since then we have all gotten grown, all of us don't really keep in touch like we should but yesterday was a nice rewind to the past.

If I were to think of my youth at my grandmother's house as a sit-com, I would be the star. That may not be accurate but since it is my perception, it is what it is. Actually, I would actually be a co-star with my cousin Keita.

Keita- My dear cousin that is more like a sister. This is because we both grew up as only children...kinda. I mean, she has siblings by her dad(my uncle) but she is her mom's only child. I remember looking up to her when we were younger. That seems odd, right? I am older than she but it seemed as if she was living a great life. I remember in middle school, she moved to Columbia(SC) and I moved to Lucedale(MS) but we stayed in touch with letters at least once a week. I never shared this with her but I remember looking forward to those letters like they were manna from heaven. I was so alone when I first moved to Mississippi and those letters kept me in a familiar place even though everything around me was new.
Now she is grown with a cool ass husband and two beautiful kids. They just got a new house and things seem to be looking great for their future. I was so happy when she and her husband decided to move from Columbia back to Greenville because I saw it as a chance for me to maybe get back into her life. I love that girl and I hope she knows it.

Brittney- This is Keita's sister(by her dad) and she was another character in "My Grandma's House". Brittney was always the quiet one and you never could really get an idea about what she really thought. She talked very little and this is a trait that she still has today. I remember that she was like the shadow for Keita and I growing up. Whenever we wanted to spend the night at Grandma's house, we would call and get her in on it too.
In high school, I moved back to Greenville from Lucedale to actually live with my grandmother and at this time, Brittney became my co-star. Keita was living in Columbia, going to a fabulous high school and not really coming back to Greenville too often so the show went on with Brittney and I.
Since she has gotten older, the relationship that we once had is gone. I don't know but it seems kinda weird when I talk to her now. I really don't know how to approach her. I think I still want to pick up where we left off but she is now a woman with 2 kids so that won't work. Things are just different now. I don't even really know her kids and I don't feel a pull toward them as I do with Keita's. I think that I will try to work on that relationship this year.

Toya- The youngest character on the show and all of the cousins were united in hate against her. She was the last grandchild born(at that time) and as such, received all the perks that come with that title. Hate is not the correct word to describe what I felt toward Toya when she was a child because I actually adored her. As a baby she was adorable and all I wanted to do was keep her happy. I think a better word for the feeling that I had was jealousy. It was as if she took my role when she was born. There was no hate tho.Just the regular feelings that most kids have I guess.
Now she is getting older. Graduated yesterday and I am kinda scared for her. No job and no real plans for the future so it makes me a little nervous.

So when I came home last night another of my cousins was sitting in our living room. I hadn't seen Desmond in a while so I was a little surprised. Seems that he has gotten into a little trouble for touching his little brother. This is a sticky situation and I am unsure how to even react to this. What I know for sure is that I don't want to see him ostracized by this. I mean, he is a young kid and as I always say, this type of behaviour does not come out of thin air. I believe that he is just acting out behavior that he was subjected to and therefore what we need to work on is breaking the cycle.

It is no secret that this type of thing happens in my family. My mom was molested by her step father while growing up and I even had encounters with an uncle when I was younger. It's like there is a virus that wants to run wild in the family and I believe it feeds on secrets and people ignoring it. I just hope that him living with us will be a good thing for him and it will help cause the healing process for the family. Who knows.

hmm...nothing much to speakon today

It is memorial day and I am at work. No big deal because I really don't anything to do today anyway. I really don't know anybody cooking out today so I will probably just go home when I get off at 2pm and find a "Law and Order" marathon(cause you know there is one on somewhere).

Talked to my boy BJ last night and we talked for about 2 hours. That was unusual because we don't usually talk at all. I think that both of us are still trying to fill the void that is left in our lives with the ;passing of Jamaco. It's hard and what really makes it a task is the fact that he was so much a part of our lives. Something that I mentioned to BJ last last night is something that I feel like going into on this blog today.

Jamaco was a very good friend of mine. I would go so far as to even say he was one of my best friends. I say one of my best friends because I think that after you got out of middle school, you no longer have the luxury of having just one best friend. Life starts to get complicated and there is just too much going on to have one person you deem a "best friend". You have to have friends that are specialized in certain areas of your life and Jamaco filled a specific area in mine. Now that he is gone I am forced to deal with this missing piece. As BJ and I were talking last night, an interesting situation that came about after Jamaco's came to my mind.

Actually, I thought I wanted to write about this but I don't.

I had an epiphany!!

The other day I was talking to my Homie "Martin" and as usual, started having the conversation about the "gay christian". He recently bought a book that he swears will be the key to end his struggle and asked me if I would read it with him. Of course I obliged because I am always in the mood for reading peoples perspective on this issue but I told him that I would be reading with my red pen of skepticism. Anyway, as the conversation wore on, we both eventually fell into our usual roles. He, the Christan man struggling to be straight and me, the christian man who does not think it's necessary to change his sexual orientation. We went on for a while and that's when it hit me!

There is not a spirit that MAKES you attracted to the same sex. There are only spirits that can capitalize on issues that are already in your own heart.

Wow....what a profound thought. It's what I have been trying to articulate for so long and on that day it just came. It's as if the thought was swimming at the surface of my consciousness but has never come up for air.....until that day.

OK, so why do I feel this way is probably what people would want to know. I mean, a statement like that flies in the face of all that we have been taught and heard about this issue for so long so how did I come to this? As I have said so many times before, I grew up hating myself because I thought God hated me. I will spare anyone who is reading this and not go into that story but I will just say that the one thing that really never sat well with me was that I felt that I was being punished for something that I had no control over. As far as I was concerned, my attraction was something that was natural to me. We won't even argue the point of being born gay or it happening later because the bottom line is that at this point in my life, I am attracted to men and it is all I have ever known.

What this statement does is take the burden off of the person to change their sexual orientation. The only thing that is necessary is to change are your acts. As I say all the time, I can't help what makes my dick hard but I can help what I do with my hard dick. Some may not feel this because it really puts one in a position to deny the flesh and what it wants and instead follow the will of God. What I am saying is that as a christian, you have to follow the bible and right now, I know for sure that the bible says we can't sleep with a man(Leviticus 18:22). It really never deals with the attraction. I think that most gay men would find it easier if the attraction were to just be lifted like a blanket and replaced with a healthy hetero appetite but the reality of a life with Christ is that we must suffer. This may mean that the attraction to a man may never go away but it is the responsibility of a person wanting to walk with God to adhere to the bible. This, I know is a slippery slope but until I get deeper in this, this is my surface solution. Sure I feel that my attraction to men is natural but that is no reason for me to act on it. Staying steadfast in the face of my temptation is what builds my character.

can I support this statement scriptural, sure:
Romans 1:24

24Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:

I am sure everyone has had Romans 1 thrown at them but what I noticed when I read is this part. It says "...through the lusts of their own hearts," and this, to me, means that the lust was in them. There was no spirit that turned them on to this lust, it was their own desire that led them to do the things they did. They did not practice self control as the bible urges us to. I am sure if I keep looking I will find more but for right now, I hope that will keep ya.

I think that it would just be absolutely unfair for the devil to be able to plant a spirit on you, and you have no control over it. In my limited research, I have found that most people believe that the only way to have a spirit possess or oppress you is to open a door....willingly. If this is the case, how would I, as a child, open a door to be oppressed by a demon of homosexuality that makes me attracted to the same sex. Wouldn't that be so unfair that before I even had the ability to fight off Satan, he was allowed to run amok in my life and I was helpless. Personally, I don't believe that it works like that. I am convinced that this attraction is natural to ma and the only thing that Satan can hope to do is capitalize on something that is already me.

Seems the church, up until this point, has found it so easy to blame everything on Satan or a spirit. what that actually does is take the person out of the equation and places the blame for their actions on something outside of themselves. Wouldn't that make life so much easier if we did not have to be held accountable for out actions and instead were able to blame them on the devil. It's a cop out, in my opinion.

I feel like talking about Ted today

So i will. Let's just see where this goes.

I don't know why but the Ted Haggard situation is a subject that I could talk about forever. I just think it is so interesting how his fall from grace played out and there are a lot of things that can be gleaned from it.

First off, let me start by saying that when I first heard the allegations, i was unsure weather to believe it or not. Actually, that's not entirely true. I think that when I first heard it I automatically assumed that he was guilty. I always do that when I hear those types of rumors about people. So yeah, after it came out I was just really interested in how it would turn out. I was thinking that if it turned out that these allegations were true and he was, in fact, gay and carrying on an illicit affair with a male prostitute, it would force main stream Christianity to deal with the issue of homosexuality in the church. It seems that the way homosexuality is viewed in the church is that either you are gay and on your way to hell or you are saved and you have been delivered from that foul spirit of homosexuality. I am living proof that things are not that simple.

There is no room in the church today for a guy like me. A guy who knows that he is saved but at the same time, still deals with an attraction to males. I mean, if I were really saved, that would be taken away from me, right? If I had truly had an encounter with God, he would have made me "whole" and this would not even be an issue for me and since it is still an issue, I must have had a counterfeit experience. I could really go into this issue but for right now, i better stick to Ted.

Anyway, I thought that if the things that the male escort was saying about Mr.Haggerd were true, it would force a conversation. If all gay people were really devils and there was no hope for them unless they become straight, how would we explain Ted? No one can deny his success in ministry. He had a large growing church and was in key positions on many committees in his area. Hey, he was also a guy who was close with Mr.Bush! He in no way fit the bill of the "evil" homosexual that church people believe is out there. How could an evil man do so much good? The fact that he was the head of a very big church and apparently had the ear of God but still got caught in scandal had to make people look at homosexuality again. Maybe it wasn't as cut and dry as many would have you believe. Maybe gay people aren't that evil. But alas, I was wrong. No conversation ever came about and in the end, ol' boy Ted kinda bitched up.

He finally admitted that he had been involved and instead of him trying to spark the seeds of reconsideration, he allowed the church to back him into a hole. Homeboy came clean and then resigned! Now don't get me wrong because I am in no way condoning the things that he did cause dude was wrong. Not that he was gay but the fact that he lead a double life and was deceiving his wife, kids, and his congregation. The problem was not that he was gay. Instead the problem was that he was not living his life authentically being himself. I know that is kind of hard when you have this image to maintain and this position to keep but i figured that when he found himself surrounded by his crumbled empire, he would have finally had the courage to accept who he was and deal with it. Nope, he instead decided to go to counseling for 3 weeks and come out straight. Ha.

this is enough for now.

Yay!

So a while ago, I had this idea.

I actually sing in a group and we are right now in the process of getting money together so that we can go in the studio. There are many ways to come up with money and some of the people in the group were thinking along the lines of hotdog sales and selling candy and things like that. I am not really for all of that. Well, the idea of putting together some kind of show came into play and my gears started turning. Now, the person in the group that suggested this was talking along the lines of a simple church program. The kind where you round up a few groups and invite the people to come and then you take up an offering. I think that is ok but I was thinking a little bigger.

Let me stop right here and say that I have met a lot of people in my life and now I realize that these meeting are never coincidence. After we started talking about doing a program, I started thinking on a bigger scale. How about doing a concert! I started thinking that we could put on a concert and that would be a great way to make big money. Who would we invite? Well, just so happens that I know of of the background singers for Christopher Lewis. Who is he? You may not know him but he is a super great gospel singer but he don't have a churchy sound.....just like us! The wheels started turning and I got on it to see what I could do.

Anyway, Last night I get a call from my boy who sings with Chris. He lets me know that he talked to Chris and he would love to see what we are talking about. So excited about it in fact that he sent me an e-mail with his numbers. Wow! This stuff is really coming together. This story could be so much more detailed but I am just real excited right now.

My 'Check Engine' light is back on again

I should have gotten a carfax report on this car before I got it but I just thought that the deal was too good to be true. Maybe it was. Last time I took it to the shop about the engine light, I ended up paying $300 just to have some spark plugs changed and some new wires.

I was 1min late to work this morning. That seems insignificant but actually, I am not supposed to be late, at all, anymore. I hope that this will just slide through the cracks.

Watched "Sometimes in April" last night and cried again. That movie always gets to me and just opens up a flood gate of emotion. Idris Elba really did a great job in that film.

It was amazingly easy

to get off meat. After the dramatics of that master cleanser, I think that my body is just happy to be eating anything. It really doesn't matter that I have had no meat. So the new goals are:
>No meat
>No sugar
>No soda
>No fast food
>6 meals a day
I am also keeping a food journal so that I can keep track of what I eat. I really don't know what the good of that is but all kinds of people keep telling me that I need to do that....oh well.

So my lit teacher hooked me up. He is allowing me a whole month to finish the assignments that I still need to complete. I really think ole boy gets down and maybe that is why he is being nice to me. I really don't think that can be the case because there is no way that he could know about me.....unless he just has that sense. Sometime I think that I can tell about others. Naw, I know I can tell about others. Every time I have ever had a hunch about somebody, it has been true....except for the few that aren't confirmed but they will come around soon. Maybe he can just sense it on me. I don't know but what I do know is that homeboy hooked me up.

We might be going out tonight....I haven't decided yet. I have not seen him since December and this will be a big thing. I still haven't decided yet.

I really messed up this semester

I mean, I really messed up. I only hope that my good grades at the start of this semester can help me out. I mean, I hope that my teachers can see that I do have potential and will grant me an incomplete so that I can start over next semester. Everybody touch and agree with me so that I can get this incomplete this semester.

Fast over

I made it to day 7 and then I had to stop. I just got tired and that "lemon-aid" was getting nasty. I am now going to implement healthy lifestyle changes so that I can really get myself together.

Allow me to just put some thoughts out right quick:

So everybody knows that I am the christian homo and that I have been trying to reconcile those two extremes. Here are some of my new revaluations.
At this point in my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am gay. That word causes a lot of problems in today's society and I am convinced that it all stems from peoples perception of what that word means. It's all the things that are now associated with it. What this word means for me is that I simply have an attraction to men. I've had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I would say that I was born with it but I know what troubles that statement brings up so I will just settle and say it is all I have ever known.
Once upon a time I hated myself because of this attraction. I mean, good "christian" boys don't have those thoughts, do they? I figured that the only reason for my existence was so that I could be kindling in Hell. That had to be what I was made for because I kept getting prayed for and those feelings wouldn't leave. I was born for hell, so I thought.
At the age of 24, I stared on this journey to find out what God really expected of me. I had already come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, gay and at that point there was really nothing that I could do about it. I was starting to get over the thoughts that God hated me and what I wanted was a clear idea of what God wanted from be given my situation. There were plenty of pastors saying "turn away" but on the real, that wasn't practical. They said it as if you could just make up your mind and change your attraction. Of course there were those "Ex-Gay" ministries that were telling people that they could achieve straightness. I had heard too many horror stories about that stuff and honestly, I wondered what "straight" meant to them. Was it just about actions? No, non of that was for me. If I was going to get anything, I decided that it would have to come directly from the God.
I found a great church and it was electrifying. I had turned away from the church for a while but this pastor was bringing me back alive. His words hit my heart and for the first time in my life, I saw how the word of God really applied to my life. I joined the church and I started to get involved. I got so involved that I started to believe that God actually had a purpose for my life. This was a problem because I still had this issue to deal with. I reached out to the Asst. pastor to see how I should proceed. I felt that this church was the place that I needed to be but I had to see where they stood on this issue. Depending on what I got from him, I would have to either conform my views or walk away from the church. The talk with him was ordered by God and what it actually did was fuel the fire in me that needed to get some real clarity on this issue.
Since then, this is where I am with it.
-I am saved and a child of God
-When the bible speaks of homosexuality, it must be speaking of the act and not the attraction because I cannot help my attraction but I can help my actions.
-The attraction is not the problem, it is what I do because of the attraction that is the problem.
-My getting into heaven is not dependent on me being straight
-Deliverance is a decision. It is the decision not to do what my flesh wants to do and instead do what God has called me to do.
-I would never rule out the idea of God making me straight, I just don't waste time dwelling on it. If I am never straight, I will still do what He has called me to do.

So that is what I have come to thus far. One of these day I will write a book. There is a lot more to this that I could write but for now I will leave it at this.

day 5

I just had a thought. I don't think that I will title any more of my blog entries by the fast day that I am on. People may start to think that that is the only thing that is going on in my life....and it's not! As a matter of fact, yesterday I went to the movies and saw "The Reaping"
Great movie!! Well, I thought it was a great movie. It contained 2 ingredients that always make a beautiful scary movie for me.
1) Plot had heavy biblical base
2) Strong occult references
.....I know right but hey, that's what I like. I don't know why but for a movie to really be scary to me, it needs to have that God vs. satan factor. I mean....I don't believe in boogie men and things like that but I do believe in the battle for our soul. Here's what always gets me about these movies tho: They always portray God/Jesus as if he is weak. Like satan actually has a fighting chance in a battle. Especially if the religion of choice in the movie is Catholicism (see "The Exorcist). Catholics basically have no power when fighting evil forces and they make it look as if God barely helps them. As a non-catholic, I am taught that whenever the adversary comes against us, we can make him flee with the name of Jesus. I want to make a horror movie that uses all this but what I would add is Jesus....nobody ever uses him. They always refer to God and they always use old testament scriptures. The only movie I ever saw that actually Incorporated the power of Jesus was "Def By Temptation". I think that's why that movie scared me so much as a yute. I can relate to it. I grew up in a church with demons being cast out and what not. Anyway, the movie was great. Scared the hell out of me.

After the movie I decided to visit my cousin Keita. I love that chick. She is more like my sister than my cousin because we both grew up as only children with crazy single moms. We are 1 year apart(me older) and we basically grew up together until she moved to Colombia maybe in the 3rd or 4th grade. Then I moved to Mississippi in the 7th grade but we stayed in touch through letters. I wonder if she still has any. I wonder what I did with mine. So life goes on and so did we and it seems that we basically lost our closeness. Well since we have grown up, we have both ended up back in Grenville and now she has a little family of her own. I am hoping that we can get that closeness again.

While I was a their house yesterday, I went into detail about the fast. I told her what I was ingesting and she bust out laughing.....She said that the ingredients* sounded like a bunch of condiments. I had to admit, that was funny. We both laughed for a good 10mins off that.


*ingredients in the lemon aid for fast
-lemon or lime juice
-maple syrup
-cayenne pepper
all mixed with water

People are eating

and I feel like they are doing it in my face. Fried chicken and such. I have not been hungry until today. And wow am I hungry. I hope this subsides. and why do I keep sneezing?

day 3 and the start of day 4.

I was off yesterday so I was really looking forward to some rest and I got that. The day was pretty regular even though I was a little apprehensive about it. I mean, people are always talking about how day 3 is the hardest. So far, this time, it's been day one. After that, everything else has been smooth.

I am really doing something really stupid as far as school goes right now but at this point I am too far to go back. It's so dumb that I don't even want to have record of it on this blog. I keep trying to not think about it because if I don't think about it, it really didn't happen. I am being really stupid right now.

Spiritual talk:
So last night, I woke up at about 12am and I could not go back to sleep. Usually when this happens I assume that God would like to speak with me so I pray. It's so sad but I don't really pray on a regular. It's something that I want to get more into but at this point I am real slack. Anyway, I had an epiphany last night: Jesus is my purpose.
So what that means to me is that the only reason that I am on this earth is to show his love. To show how he loves me. To show that if he can love me surely he can love you. All the things that I have been through in my life were designed so that I could proclaim his love(deep ain't it). I am because he is.

Today is cool so far. Not hungry in the least but I do miss eating. Only because I realize that eating is not just something that we do to sustain our lives, it is also a social activity. At least it is that way in America. Maybe that is the reason all of us are so fat. yesterday I saw on the news where they want to pass legislation that will dictate what kids can have for lunch at school because they are so fat. I really think that:
#1 it is not really the governments responsibility to regulate what kids can and cannot eat. What about the parents? I mean, you curb them at school but what about when they go home?
#2 the parents are the ones who need to be educated. If they are taught to make healthy choices then the kids would.
All this government involvement is really a waste of time to me. the committee that they put together to research this could have been researching a way to end homelessness and poverty in America.

Day Number 3

And things are going well.
kinda tired right now so I will do details about today, tomorrow.

yesterday was the worst

I started off with a irritation in my throat so I thought that I was coming down with something. By the end of my work day, all I wanted to do was go home and lie down. I did that, I started getting chills and I was thinking that I was getting the flu. Again, some would say that it was just my body reacting to the shock of the fast. All those toxins fighting this healthy choice.

At about 10pm last night I decided to do the lax tea. My stomach was a bit funny but I knew I had to do it. I also had a little bit of the lemon aid left so I was gonna down that too. I also bought a Brita pitcher yesterday so I wanted to see what the water tasted like. I proceeded to down the rest of the lemon aid. Then I downed the tea. Then I downed the water. I down for a minute, then I stood up. I could feel my stomach reacting. I was thinking that I was gonna throw up but I tried to stop it. I was unsuccessful. Projectile vomit all over my room. The good thing about it tho was that it was only water. Not too hard to clean up. Funny thing about it tho is that after I did that, I felt 100% better.

Woke up this morning at about 6:30 and I was a little angry because I know that I need at least an hour for the salt water cleanse. Since I usually leave the house around 7:30, I was scared that I would not have enough time. Everything worked out. It's like peeing through your but.

This morning I read a psalm and it was talking about a unicorn. The bible is crazy.

As I type this, I feel terrible

First off, all those apples I ate yesterday in preparation for today did a number on my stomach. This morning as I was making the lemon aid, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen and had to run to the bathroom. The contents rushed out of my bowels as soon as I was over the seat. I hardly had enough time to sit down. I forgot apples/apple juice make me go.....I had 7 of 'em.

Right now I feel yucky. I just feel "blah". My stomach keeps doing these rolls and I have a slight irritation in my throat. You know that feeling you get right before you get a sore throat? That's what I feel right now. I am wondering if maybe I should have waited before the fast.

Now, some people would say that the reason that I am feeling so bad is because my body is so toxic. I have a nagging, dull pain in my chest right now and all I want to do is go to sleep. This is just the first day! So, as I was saying, many people believe that the worse a person feels during detox, the worse shape they were in. All this bad shit is struggling as it leaves my body. I guess the good thing is that it is going. Usually the first couple of days are hard but I am feeling in a way today. There is also pain in my back. This is the first day!

detox

Today is the first day of the master cleanse detox. I have done this already a few times but I plan to make this my most successful. I don't really have a set number of days that I will do it. I think that I will just keep going until I just can't go anymore. I already feel my body working against me. This morning I woke up and had to immediately run to the bathroom cause I had the squirts something terrible. I guess that it could have something to do with the fact that I ate 7 apples yesterday as a way to prepare myself for this fast.

What do I want from this.......that is a very good question. I guess first and foremost I want to just detox so that I can get a fresh start with the diet and exercise routine. I been killing myself lately with my horrible eating habits and I just need a start over. And since I believe that all fast have, or can have a spiritual element, I also want to take advantage of that. There are just a few things that me and God need to get on and understand.

I plan to dramatically limit tv and phone convo. I find that most of the time those two things will take me off my game when I am trying to fast. Hoping that I get a lot of writing done and I plan to write here at least once a day. I want to write letters too.
Marcus
Clarence
we'll see what happens.

I think that I started this one off sloppy but I am not gonna let that make me change my mind. If I can just make it to the 3rd day, I will be cool . 1,2, and 3 are the hardest for me but after that, I am cool.

Darien Brockington....is that your real name?

I meant to ask him that when I met him on saturday night. I was a little buzzed so i couldn't remember everything I wanted to say to him. I don't know why but I remember his hands being so soft. I don't understand why that stands out so much to me.

It's sometimes such a pleasure to meet OKP's. Sometimes they really are the same online, on the phone and, in person. Sometimes it makes me think that I am really glad that I keep going on that site because I keep meeting cool people. Sometimes.

And while I am on it, how in the hell do you approach someone that you have seen online? I mean, yall aint cool or anything but chatted up a few times on a message board and you have seen their pic online. Can you approach without looking like a stalker. I don't think so and this is why I did not approach any on saturday. I saw so many people that I knew from OKP but I am not the one to look like an herb. As I write this i am recalling that I did wave at one of these internet people that I don't really know and I bet he was on some, "who the hell is that".........i feel so dumb right now as I think about it. The hell I wave for?

Watching Darien on stage got me thinking about doing that. Second time this week that I have had these thoughts. It's funny cause I actually have 2 life paths running in my head at the same time. On one path I am finishing up school, teaching for a few years and finally becoming a writter or something. On the other I am pursuing a career in music and making it as a singer and then a songwriter. I can see both of these for myself and at this point I am working at both. I sometimes feel like I am cheating on them.

I did that thing today, that I said I wouldn't

I have yet another new trainee and as always, I am all up in her business. Whenever I get one and they are black, I just somehow end up in their affairs. It's not a bad thing cause I love to try out my pseudo-psychology but what I always find is that the other party always wants a trade off. If they tell me what is going on in their life, they feel that I should also be telling about mine. Of course we all know that shit is not that simple. I got to work here!!

Anyway, the new chick is having problem in her relationship so you know that I was ready to give advice. I gave her some jewels (if i do say so myself) but after I did, she wanted to know my credentials. She wanted to know about my relationship experience.......so I told her my story, being ever so careful to use "they" and "them" as opposed to "he" and "him". That was going well but today I did the shit that I said I would never do........I used "she" for "he"

OK, so some might say that this is no big deal but it is to me. I tell folks all the time how I refuse to let people put me in boxes that make them comfortable while suffocating me so to use the pronoun "she" makes me look hypocritical. After I told my mom about the real me, I was determined that I would always be authentic. No more lies for me. For the most part I have done this....but then again, it's not really hard when people don't ask you.

So why did I do it? I could say that it was to make her comfortable because I could sense that she had already put me in the "straight" box. I didn't want to shatter her world. I think the truth is that no matter how much I say I don't want to be in boxes, sometimes the boxes are comfortable. It's so effortless to allow people to think that I am straight and really, it's just as easy to go that extra step. No explanation about how I can be gay and call myself a christian. No answering dumb questions like, "How can you do that?" Sometimes it's just easier to be put in the box. Although, if you think about it, by me saying "she" instead of "he", it's like I took the box from her and just climbed in.

I said that I wanted to be comfortable with me no matter how others felt but the truth is, how others feel is still important to me. I feel like I would have no problems saying "yes" if someone were to point blank ask me if I am gay but to have to say it voluntarily, that is a whole other creature.

since my mom is married now

it is time to leave the nest. Dude is cool and all but that place aint big enough for the both of us.

ewwww @ i heard them fucking last night......dude's stroke is mad fast

anyway, I'm trying to get out of there asap. I was hoping that I could be gone by this weekend but since there is no gas turned on in the new place and the water won't be on until Monday, I am stuck. My mom really does not want me to leave but I think that it would be best for me to leave now, on a good note. When my boy D's mom got married, that shit turned ugly. He was living with them and they were making him pay rent and his mom and the new daddy ended up taking my boy to court. Shit was ugly and I am gonna do everything in my power to not end up that way.

And like I said before, dude is cool. I really don't have any qualms about him. As far as I can tell he is a cool dude. I will just have to wait and see.

Just a few things

1) I have been talking to them lately and as I said before, I feel myself slipping. I see it and yet, I do nothing. Good talk last night and I think we got to the bottom of a few more things but I still can't help but feel as though he may only be telling me what he thinks i need to hear. I told him that I still love him last night and right after I said it, I knew I would regret it today. I write this, regretting.

2) I had a weird dream last night that was full of so much. I saw my little cousin in it. He is actually not very little now and is in jail. I was on some steps and he was above me and I looked across the street and saw his mom. She had on a McDonald's uniform and was waving at us. I looked back at him and he was crying. I wanted to hug him but I couldn't. I didn't want to show my emotions like that because even in the dream, I felt it was "unmasculine". Right as I was thinking this, he actually curled up into my arms like a little baby and we just sat there. After that dream, I am thinking I should reach out to him. I still fear rejection and I really don't know what I can say to him but maybe the knowing that there is someone out here rooting for him will be enough.

3) I have been debating and I think that I have finally decided to go to some sort of vocal training. I have been having this problem of becoming hoarse after singing lately so I figure I must be doing something wrong. Even Though it cost 60 dollars an hour for the training, I think it is worth it.

I wonder if I am making a mistake....

I have allowed him access back into my life. I had control when I would not accept calls or return text but we started talking again. Right now I say that we will never be any more than just friends but the truth is I really don't know. I feel myself falling back into a familiar routine with him and it kind of makes me mad. He does not deserve it! Why do I keep giving it to him?

In other news, Donnie on Friday! I am so excited about seeing him perform and I will be going with my man Sean. Sean is col people and was actually right there for me throughout the whole Travis ordeal. Nothing romantic....at least on my end.

I really feel like I am in a soap opera

Tuesday I get a text informing me that he realizes that he made a mistake and that me misses me. He misses me? This whole thing is surreal. I talked to him yesterday and got down to the bottom of some things that had been on my mind. Yes they had been talking before we were officially done. Yes they other guy did make him think I was cheating. Yes they are now living together but he says he is miserable. According to him it's only a business arrangement.

So what am I supposed to do with this info. I am torn. The truth is I do miss ole boy but at the same time I really feel like he does not deserve even my friendship. Me talking on the phone with him is probably giving him too much. He says he misses me and one part of me is happy about that. I mean, he threw this away not me so why should I let it be so easy for him to turn around.

I told him that I think he needs to be alone. Stop trying to be in a relationship and just be by yourself. See how that is for a while.

Well Well Well.......

So, this dude keeps sending me text messages so I decide to call and ask him what the hell his problem is. I mean, we don't have shit to discuss cause you made your choice and now let's all live with it. Nigg is on some, "I want to make sure we are still cool" stuff. FUCK YOU!

Anyway, we talked and it seems that the situation that you thought would be better than this one is not. Homey is talking to me in secret and shit cause his new man told him that he cant talk to me. HA! Turns out that all that grass you thought would be greener is really astro turf.

And how do I feel about this turn of events? I am so happy. I want him to be in a bad situation. I know that is wrong but you deserve it. You threw away 2 years for some nigg that put flowers on your car in the beginning and now is holding you hostage. Don't you feel dumb.

My new relationship.

There she is. The new woman in my life. I call her "Ruth" and so far our situation is perfect. I love her already. A lot better than that bitch I had before. I didn't even know her name. All I know is that she was selfish(did shit when she wanted to such as start) and unreliable(cutting off in the middle of traffic and shit). Thank God for "Ruth"!

In other news....there ain't much. Just bought another ipod Sunday and that's about the most exciting thing going on for me. No relationships on the horizon and you know what, I am satisfied with that. Who needs the headache? I think that I am done with all that stuff for a while. Right now it's all about me. Trying to finish school is the top priority at this moment and that means I really have no time for anything else. Nope, there is no love in any of my plans.

This bastid had the gall to text me today!

"Hello, just wanted to check on u."

The fuck? What makes you think in need to be checked on and especially by you. You think because you decided to be an ass that I fell apart? I am just fine and would actually rather you leave me the hell alone! It's so arrogant the way it was written. Written like you are doing me some sort of favor by offering me a gift of a text. Fuck You!

Now I am debating how I should handle this. I do believe that it would be best if I just ignored the text altogether. Just pretend that I never even got it. That would be the best way to show you that I have most defiantly moved on. I would speak volumes by not saying a word but I am sure that you are much to stupid to even get that. One part of me still wants to kick your ass and tell your whole family how much of a nasty fag you really are....but what would that accomplish.

The truth of the matter is, I still love you. I actually miss you. I really want to talk to you but you messed that up. I wish I could wish you happy birthday but how could I. I can't even play around with the idea of being your friend because you really don't deserve it.

So yeah, I won't even respond to it. I have to just let it go and maybe in a year we can attempt a friendship. Right now, I gotta erase the message.

I am going crazy on Half.com

www.half.com

I have spent close to $50.00 in the last couple of days on that shit. Trying to get some old stuff that I have lost over the years. Why, I don't know since my ipod is tripping again. that shit just won't do right!

So, again, a brother is back on the bus. Seems like I am always having car problems but I plan to put that shit to a halt soon. I have seen my new baby! A nice, '98 ford explorer sport and it's a stick! If dude can just hold out until I get my student loan then I will be cool.

They called me last night. Wow! The nerve! Called me like they just wanted to have a conversation. What did I do? I straight cussed his ass out! He acted all sad as if this was surprising to him. I really think that he is a retard. For real. All that shit and he thinks we are supposed to be buddy buddy now. I am really at a loss with this one.

I am mad as hell right now

naw, fuck that. I am not gonna write in my blogg about that shit. I wont even give that situation the satisfaction of knowing that I am bothered by it. All I will say is that people are fucked up. How can a person pretend to be someone that they are not. My man Tony said that you cant be mad at yourself for loving someone who PRETENDED to love you back. I mean, how was I to know that it was a lie. All that wasted time tho. I heard them say "I love you" to somebody else. that hurts.

It's a new year

I was Atlanta for the new year and everything was real cool. I was able to chill with some old friends and even some online friends and all in all, everything was cool. This weekend really made me appreciate my boy Dwight a little more. I am thinking that this is because I am still missing Jamaco so much and maybe I am just wanting to cling to something or someone. Don't get me wrong, Dwight and I have been friends since were were in the 9th grade but I guess I kinda took him for granted. Life can be short and full of surprises so now a brother is just trying to not take anything or body for granted. Dwight is my boy.

I don't usually do white singers but this Robin Thicke is the troof. Why aint nobody tell me? I didn't even want this album but now I listen to it religiously. I would rather listen to him than mr. Timberlake.

I wish there was a way to put all my blogging together

and since i don't know of one yet http://traj.diaryland.com/index.html is where all my blogs before this one can be found.

dayum i miss my homey. shit gets worse everyday. its like it is finally setting in that I wont be seeing him.

I am pissed today for a couple of reasons.

1) I asked that dude to please get a gift certificate for me. It was a present that I was planning to give to my grandmother for Christmas. He said he would. I mean, he owed me money so he was really just paying me back. I asked on Thursday. I waited until Sunday to ask again. He said he was still going to pick it up. Today is Tuesday and I still have no gift certificate! And he didn't even have the decency to call me and let me know anything. And this is why we are no longer an item. My boy told me last night that he thinks that I was just using this gift certificate thing as a test to see if I wanted to remain friends with Trap. I think he was right and the way he acted lets me know that we cannot be friends. He is not a person that I would be friends with. I cant stand his ass.

2) The baby mama of my recently deceased friend is not allowing anyone to see the child. I have tried to call her several times and left messages but she has not returned any of them. Yesterday I heard that she is complaining that too many people are calling her and she feels that it is harassment. Harassment!? I spent a grip on my god son and I just need to know what I need to do with all this stuff. Why in the hell would a person act so dumb at a time like this? This is supposed to be a festive time of year but my boy is gone and now she is making it worse. Why would she not allow the family to see the child? I have a mind to go up there and smack some sense into her ass.

Yesterday I lost my friend

Actually, lost is such a final word. I think that I would rather say we won't speak for a time.
This was more that my friend. A brother. As a mater of fact we decided a long time ago that since we were only children, we should just be brothers......from different mothers.
Outkast was our shit
Cee-lo was the man
Bilal was the voice.....why nobody understood that was beyond us. I mean, just listen to "Sometimes"
I hated his womanizing
he was cool with my issue
He kept saying that I was going to have to do better if I was going to be the Godfather of little J.

Sometimes shit is just so final.
I need to ask him about making copies of the first 3 seasons of the wire.
Ideally, when people die, they should leave all work finished.
Since we still have things to do, he cant be gone.
right?
I mean, that is what my mind says.

I used to be scared to die. Like, I would have these real big panic attacks about it.
Funny, but yesterday I wasn't so scared. I know I will have somebody waiting to trip with.

R.I.P
Gary Jamaco Moon

We have not talked since Monday

I mean, really! This is just going too far. I cannot call him because that means he won. Yes, I know it is so childish but it's the principle of the thing. I can just see his smug ass sitting there waiting for me to call but I just cannot do it! I mean, I called him on Monday....10 times consecutively. He decided not to answer so it is very unfair to think that I would call after that. I sent a text last night and he didn't even respond. This whole situation just lets me know exactly were I stand. I'm Done © Tweet.

I needed to write

So for a week now I have been having that fluttery heart thing. I hate it because it makes me nervous. I feel like I am going to die. I usually causes a panic attack. I have been cool with it lately tho. I think that I am finally over the horrible panic attacks. I figure if you gonna die, you gonna die. No amount of panic is gonna stop it.

finally dropped my Lit class yesterday so now there will be lass stress in my life. That class, tho it was one of my favorite, was really bringing me down. I just didn't have enough time to devote to it. I will pick it up in the spring.

I am so really feeling Ciara's new song. Yeah yeah yeah, I know she cant sing but that song is killin it. She has found her niche! I think she knows that she is a mediocre singer but she also knows that she has great dance moves and the people who wrote the song focused on what she could do. Too many singers trying to do stuff that they are not capable of. She knows what she can do and she is doing it. I might even buy the album........naw.

here at work on a saturday.

ready to go home and I just got here.


So umm, this lady that has been working here for 17years was fired on Thursday. She was fired because of attendance! See, this hits close to home for me because I am always late. I had a meeting the other day and my supervisor told me that I could not be late anymore but I was actually late that day. So I feel like I am working on borrowed time. Shit sucks!

But then again, I believe that subconsciously I want to be fired. I have had warning after warning but for some reason I just can't get here on time. I really hate this job therefore, I think that my mind is working so that I will not be here anymore. I really hate this job.

And in other news, I just wish that I could do a full week at that gym. This is another area where I just can't get motivated enough to do a full week. I am supposed to do mon, tue, thur, fri but what usually happens is that I will be all gung ho on Monday but I never make the full 4 days. I think the most that I have ever even done are 3. I really need to get in gear cause I have decided(for the umpteenth time) that I will not go into my 30's as a fat boy. I WONT!

wow, after about a month

I finally got back in the gym this morning. I really don't know what the block was. It was like, i could not get out of bed at 5am. I guess that ain't too unusual tho, i mean, who does want to get out of bed that early. I said a while a go that I did not want to go into my 30's as a fat boy. well, friday I turn 28 so that means I have 2 years to "doitdoitdoitdoit".

so. um. i think that trap and I have come to a snag in the situation. I mean, the snag has been there but I think that neither one of us wants to really examine it. Well, I'll take that back. I am willing to explore it but he is so afraid of confrontation. The problem is that he has not really come to terms with this relationship and his religion. He also has issues about wanting to earn his rightiousness but that would be another blog entry and a problem that many people deal with. Anyway, he said the other night that I have nothing to worry about as far as we go because he would never give up the situation, he just may alter it. What if i don't want to alter it. I mean, I can see the place he is going and I don't know if i want to ride. A relationship that is just a friendship. I sound stupid as I write this but I don't think that I am conveying the idea as clearly as I could. I mean, if we only gonna be friends then let's just be friends. He will soon not want any part in any of the "romantic" stuff that comes with being in a relationship. that sucks.

ok, so here's what's been happnin' in my life

1. My birthday is friday. hoping to have a nice time in atl with my homey Trap.
2. Told my best friend that I am gay. nigg was super cool with it and it makes me love him even more...no homo.
3. Noah's Arc is what's going on right now. sure the characters are a little hokey and some of the situations are mos def not what would happen in real life but all in all, the show is pretty good.
   
4. Speaking of Noah's Arc, Jensen Atwood is.....wow. That is all I can say.
5. Searching for a good used car is not a game.
6. The group thing is going pretty good. We did 2 gigs this weekend and these chuch people looked at us like we were crazy.
   
7. the other group.....well, i think that i am falling out of love with them.
   

breaking down

first off, everything that is within me wants a chicken biscuit this morning but i cannot because i am on a diet. the thing is, i didnt plan today. i have no meals lined up so that means it would be an easy day for me to slip up. but i wont, i say! as soon as i get a break i will be heading to the grocery to pick up some fruit. i also didnt make the gym this morning but i plan to go after work. i gotta get serious about this thing.

looks like atl for labor day is a bust. i mean, niggs just dont have the money. i got people that i have planned to see and things but i just don't see it. i wont give up just yet tho cause who knows what will happen.

finished watching "Tsotsi" last night and i thought the movie was pretty good. on the dvd tho, there was also another short film by the director called "The Shopkeeper". God that movie was crazy...but good. really pulled at the emotions. simple, no words really spoken in the movie. anyway, the climax of the movie made me cry....like for real cry. i mean, i started crying about the movie and then i started crying about so much going on in my life that i really feel like i can do nothing about. i cried aboput my money situation. i cried about a frustration of havingthe world against you but they just dont know it. frustration with church. frustration with church people. frustration with my mom not having enough money to wash her clothes and me not having enough money to help. i just dont know sometimes.

...i'm feeling a way this morning

I can't really explain it. i think that i am frustrated by the fact that I didnt get up in time this morning to go to the gym. I mean, i really want to loose weight but i dont think that I want to put in the work that goes along with that statement. sometimes i think about it and it seems that my mind is just programed to think that i will fail. it's like, i cant even imagine myself loosing the weight. i think that i will probably need to visualize this before i can even make any progress in loosing. cause if i dont think that it is possible then i wont really aim for it as i should.

there is also the singing thing. right now as i write this i dont even know if i really want to keep doing it. i think that it's because i saw some pics that i took with one of my groups and i was displeased. i just need to see some results and then i will feel better. and lets not even mention the gay thing. i just cant deal right now.

ok

so i was called in the office this morning on some internest stuff. that and the fact that I have been late a few times. at this point i really don't give a fuck about this job. i mean, i try my best to try and bring some comroderie and family values into this place and what i get in return is hate.

why in the hell is it of anyones concern what I do on the internet. they even had the nerve to say that I was on an innaprop site. ok, maybe i was on A4A a few times but dayum. alls i am saying is why in the hell cant we just get out of this petty tattle tale shit and do the job that we get paid to do

but you know, i guess this is the type of thing that happens when you work with a bunch of women. not that i have anything against the women but it seems that this is how they work best. in an enviroment of gossip and hearsay.

so all of this si why i hate it here. i must continue on the education path because i will not stay here for the rest of my days. i mean, i guess some oif these people can but i oneed to get my ass the hell up and out of here.

I had to write this down because the whole thing was eating at me. to think that some of these people can just smile in a niggs face and then go to the boss and hate on him. get a life and do something with yourself.

ahhhhhhhhh! i am just so hot right now! this shit is for the birds.

I got a little slack

What can I say, I just didn't feel like writting. With work, school, and all these practices, I really haven't had time for much.

I think that I will be getting the car back on the road today. I am so glad too because this bus thing is for the birds. Well, I cant really say that because it sounds lik I will be giving up the bus but that is not really true. I think I will still be riding a few times a week but at least I do have the option to drive if I want to.

Me and T are hanging by a string. Every since we did the do things have just not been the same. It is all so stupid and I really don't want to type all the stupid things that are happeneing but just know that the stuff is stupid. sex changes situations. i think i will make a whole entry about that topic soon.

there is a lady that works with me that is very dedicated to ger husband. I think it's bondage. like he says jump and she does it. i don't think i like that type of relationship.

I've got a new hobby!

Since I started riding the bus, I have recently taken an interest in trying to guess the ages of riders. People watching has always been a hobby of mine but this bus thing has only heightened it. The thing about guessing peoples ages though, is that it's kinda hard to tell with some people. Also, in the end, you never really know if you are right. I mean, it's not like I am about to ask that lovely older woman just how old she is to see if I won the game.

like I said, it's really hard to do with some people. What I have noticed is that white people look way older than their years while black people look younger. I guess that old adage about black not cracking is true. There is one guy that really intrigues me. He walks with a cane and his body tells the story of a man that has seen many years but his face says something totally different. This man is painfully attractive! I have often found myself staring at this man wondering what he must have been like in his youth. I would like to take his picture so that I could show it to people so they can see the epitome of "growing old gracefully". Trying to figure his age always frustrates me because I always struggle with the what I come up with. Most guesses I think are too old and are contradicted by his face while the others are too young according to his body. No matter what his age, it's nice to look at him.

My relationshit

I love you, I think. I have actually never been here before so I am really not sure how it's supposed to be. You say you love me too but for some reason I still doubt it. I think this is due to my insecurities. It's sad but yes, at 27 years old I am still dealing with not liking myself. Seems that through this whole situation I have just been waiting for you to finally come to your senses and drop me because you and I both know that you can do better than me. I hate to make you suffer because of what's wrong with me but truth be told, I really don't know how to act. On one hand I don't want to loose you but then again I feel like I should push you away in order to save myself the heartache. I keep trying to prove to myself that you don't want me because then I can say to myself "I told you so". It scares me to just give myself up completely to you/this because again, I don't want to be hurt. If I keep you at a distance and always act as if I am on the verge of letting you go, I can protect myself. Drop you before you drop me.
How can a person ever really know another's true feelings? You can't and that is part of the problem. I need to be sure that I am not making a fool of myself but I am learning that life is not like that. You have to take chances and hope for the best. This is my main problem because I like, too much, to be in control. I need to know that specific actions bring specific outcomes but this whole situation is not logical. Actions are often made and there is no rhyme or reason that can me applied to the equation to make it make sense.
Yes, you make me jealous when you talk to him. I am still scared that he has the power to take you away from me. He still has a part of you that I can never get to. No matter what you tell me I still feel as if I have not made it to the place that he has. I am second best and the one you settled for.
You are right when you say that I listen to my friends a lot. I know that their advice is sketchy at best but what else do I have? The alternative is to just listen and believe what you say and I can't do that. You have to understand that the advice that comes from them is given because they don't want me to be foolish. I know that according to them, I have already crossed the line.
"I love you" is a statement that I say to you often but what does it prove when the meaning of these words are unclear? I love you as much as I know about love but my understanding could be wrong. I am still trying to find the romantic movie love but maybe that just doesn't exist. I think that I am wasting my time looking for you to act like the movies. Maybe it's not practical to look for romance from you all the time and I need to just settle for what you do offer.

Time to get serious.

I just haven't been feeling writing as of late. Seems like nothing is really going on or at least nothing to write about. I want to be consistent with this tho so I will force myself to put down something interesting or not.

Last night my friend Monty hung up the phone on me. We had an argument, I guess. See, I have to question weather or not it was a true argument because if it was, I was not an active participant. I know arguments! When I am in an argument, the bottom line is for me to show the other person where they are wrong and how ignorant they are for thinking that they are right. In an argument I tend to be cut throat and feelings of the opponent are not spared. I did none of this last night. In this conversation I was only trying to give my friend some helpful advice and the only reason that I assume it had to be an argument is because he hung up the phone on me. That is what people in arguments do.

It really does not matter what the argument was about because that is not what is important. The most important thing is that he hung up the phone on me. In my humble opinion, hanging up the phone while having a conversation or an argument is a immature thing. It's childish! What this action says about the person who does it is that their brain has not yet developed the skills to communicate an idea or an opinion if another party disagrees with them. This means that their skills only allow them to participate in conversation only if everyone agrees with them. That's silly!

At any rate, my friend Monty is now upset with me for trying to give him a little advice. Hopefully he will think about his actions and call me up and I will still be cool with him cause like I said, he is my boy. And even when he finally decides to call me back, I will still finish giving him the advice that I started. He needs to hear it.

God is Good

In all that I go through he is good. And I hesitate to say "all that I go through" cause I actually don't go through a lot. Sure right now I have no car and that forces me to depend on the bus and friends to get around but this situation makes me loose some of the pride that I have. Not the kind of pride that makes me think that I am better than someone else. It's the type of pride that would make me walk a couple of miles to a gas station instead of calling someone to help me out(true story). The fact of the matter is we sometimes need people to help us and it is a big person that can humble themselves and ask for it.

This whole looking for a car thing is kinda tough. I can't decide if I should go for what I want or go for what I can afford. Well, I know that I will have to go for what I can afford but what I mean is should I just get any car for the money that I have or should I look for the car I want at the price that I have. If I focus on the car I want this bus thing may be a while but if I just get what I can get then I will feel like I wasted the money. I just don't know what to do. I have given myself until May(maybe June) to do this bus thing. All I know is that I cannot go into the winter this way. Too cold to be waiting for the bus.

Man....i'm walking again

Yup, I am rolling with the public transportation once again. The car that my grandma let me use is finally gone so I am forced to use the bus and cabs and my feet. It's really not that bad tho. I mean, my boy Kendrick does it everyday in the ATL. It is also a chance for me to work in a little more exercise in my day too so it's a win win. Pretty soon ya boy is gonna be buff.

I am really really bummed out about my boy passing last week. It really just made me look at the other relationships that I have in my life. I have a lot of friends all over the country and now I want to make sure that I get a chance to fellowship with them, in person, before I or they leave the earth. I mean, Rob was like my brother and everytime I think about it I get a little choked up. I was really not there for him in his last days. All in all it makes me value the people that I have left.

Also, on the relationship front, things are going pretty well. I mean, I think that we are at a place where we are just used to each other. I mean, we are comfortable. We can even order for one another at resteraunts. That type of stuff is priceless! I mean, people who know exactly what you like and don't like! I love it.

You will be missed..

I believe that there are some people in the world that have a special connection. Kindred spirits, if you will. It's as if the two people grew up as siblings because of the similar experiences and and issues they share but the truth is they were raised miles apart. In early times, I imagine that many people went their whole lives without really meeting a person like this. I mean, in those days, people were limited to only coming in contact with those that were in their immediate vicinity but in modern times we have the convenience of the online chats, emails, and message boards. This allows us to speak to people that live many miles away from us and enables us a better chance to find people that really get us. This was the situation with my man Rob.

Okp was the place we started our journey. The fact that we both were there meant that we already had music in common. We would discover that we had so much more that we shared. Eventually we graduated from emails and in boxes to phone conversations. Religion to relationships had us talking til we lost the time.

One day he shared with me. He thought it would change my friendship but It made me stand in his corner even more. Then he fell on bad times and me, like an idiot, helped financially. I gave to someone that I never even met in person. I knew that God was in it. He was my brother and I wanted to do all that I could to make his situation better.

As it got worse, our friendship started slipping. It was me. I was not able to handle this side of it. As I look back now, I think I could have done more. I would call and his brother would say he was sleeping. Sometimes no one would answer the phone. I would let weeks go between my attempts. I think...I know I was scared to face this. I didn't want to let my friend go and I knew that it was approaching.

He was me! Older and wiser but he was me. We were the same and had fallen into the same traps. Why him and not me? Who am I that this did not befall me? We constantly talked of the goodness of God and even in his state he praised. God is good no matter what you are in. If I make my bed in hell, he is there..... It makes me ask myself why one and not the other. Why him and not me.

So now it is done and I praise God that I was allowed to meet such a wonderful person as this. Knowing him has definitely made me wiser and more careful and I know that his life was not in vain. Rob man, I love you. Wish I could have said it to you before you left this plain but to be absent from the body....

It's been a minute....

But I just wasn't interested in writhing for a while. I mean, I really didn't have anything to talk about but now, ya boy is back.

First things first, I had a little trouble with a debt collection agency last week. I mean these cats tried to play me hard. I don't even feel like getting into it again because I have told this story a million times this weekend but rest assured, I did get it handled.

Late Valentines Post

I U

Valentines is over and it's a good thing. I spent a grip for my homeboy and I am really just glad that it is over. All in all a good time was had by all tho.

I have not been to the gym in about a week. Not because I am being lazy mind you. I have just been really really busy. Times like these I wish my gym was 24hrs cause then I could just swing over there anytime. Next week I am gonna have to do better.

Looks like I am gonna have to get some braces back on. I broke my retainer about 6mths ago and failed to get another one and my teeth have shifted. Seems that they have shifted so much that a retainer is no longer gonna help. I will have to get a few more braces put on for a few more months but it will be ok. My boy D said that it is stupid for me to waste money on that but I say that I already invested 4000+ into my mouth and I don't want that to be wasted money. I will be more careful the next time.

Doing what I have to do now in order to do what I want to do later.....

This is what I am forcing myself to live by. I mean, I am not getting any younger so I must start to think about the future. I see my Grandma and even my mom just barely making it and I really don't want to turn out that way. And for this reason I am regrettably not going to be able to purchase an ipod at this time. I mean, I could but it just would not be a good look seeing that there are other things that I need to be doing with my income tax. I really want one tho! Now it is time to be grown.

Last night while watching TV I happened to catch the Dateline special "To Catch a predator" and I thought that it was very interesting. In case someone reading this does not know what it was about, it is when Dateline puts together a sting operation to catch sexual predators. They actually get these adults to pose as children on the internet and then lure people to a house thinking that they may engage in some kind of sexual...something with these minors. The whole thing was really pretty sad to me and probably not because of the reason that people might think. I was pretty sad for the guys who got caught. Yeah, I know that is not a popular stance to take but seems my whole life, I have always been on the team of the underdog. Let me explain myself.

I think that most people would watch something like that and immediately start to pass judgment on the guys that were caught. Most people start to think thoughts about how sick these people must be to try something like that. Even the reporter was type judgmental and it seems that everybody is alright with that. Most people in the world think it's ok to hate murderers and rapist and child molesters. On the surface all we see are these "sick bastards" that just want to molest and rape our kids but I know it goes much deeper than that. If someone were to study this, I think that they would find that most if not all of these guys had some kind of trouble in their own youth. No, this is by no means an excuse for their actions but just an attempt to show that these people are not the one dimensional monsters that we are more comfortable with them being.

If we were to examine one of these "predators" closely and find out that they were in fact molested and raped as a youth, it makes one look at them differently. It now means that this person is not just a monster but only continuing a cycle of abuse that was placed on them. It is not so easy to just write them off as a "sick bastard". We are now forced to humanize this animal and maybe even feel compassion for them and that is the way it should be. Most of the guys that were seen last night knew that they were wrong and even knew that they should not engage in what they were trying to do but they just couldn't help themselves. Again, I am not saying that these people aren't wrong for their actions but what I am saying is that they need to be understood and not just disregarded.

Just throwing people in jail and humiliating them on TV is not enough to stop these people from doing what they do. As was shown on the show last night, many of the guys were second time offenders and had already been caught once before. As everyone knows, I am a strong advocate of living in the truth. People need to come to terms with their issues and face them head on and even share them with people so that they don't have to face them alone. I think peoples inner turmoil thrive in secrecy and that is one reason that we need to live in the truth. If we tell someone what our struggle is then we have someone in the fight to help us. When we keep it inside we have to try to deal with it by ourselves and the flesh is sometimes so weak.

anyway, I need to stop here and pick topic up on a later date.

Truth often hurts the people who receive it but sets the truth teller free.

"if you live in the truth, no one can blackmail you" © Lauryn

simple words but they have resonated in my mind since the first time I heard ms hill say them on her mtv unplugged. So powerful is that statement. It means I can break out of all the bondage that people have placed me in by simply being who I am and not who they feel comfortable with me being. Break out of the box ! I can only be who God has allowed me to be and I am sorry if my being me does not fit into another's ideas of life and religion and all that stuff. Freedom is priceless and I struggle everyday to make sure I stay free despite the people and things that would rather I stay in their box.

Of course this is about my religion struggle. I hate it that people will read these blogg entries and think that I am just a one dimensional character that is always talking about gay stuff. That couldn't be further from the truth but at this time in my life, that is the only thing on my mind. I am just so sick of the way Satan(with the help of people) has contorted and distorted what I believe God really wants for his children. We live in a world right now where people who call themselves Christians can ostracize and ridicule people who have issues and they think they are doing the work of the lord.

I think it is my purpose(yes Ant, my purpose) in life to find the real God past all the images and false God's that people have built up. I think that we have not seen nor do we know the real God. I want to experience that and I want to share that with people.

on another note, in case you didn't know, the fight between good and evil is not taking place in the heavens or in the bowels of the earth. That fight takes place everyday in the mind. Your mind is the battle ground where Good and evil struggle to gain ground all the time. The battle is taking place when you see that co-worker that you know hates your guts stranded on the side of the road.Youu can either stop to help or continue on your way and the decision you make determines what side wins that round.