We have not talked since Monday

I mean, really! This is just going too far. I cannot call him because that means he won. Yes, I know it is so childish but it's the principle of the thing. I can just see his smug ass sitting there waiting for me to call but I just cannot do it! I mean, I called him on Monday....10 times consecutively. He decided not to answer so it is very unfair to think that I would call after that. I sent a text last night and he didn't even respond. This whole situation just lets me know exactly were I stand. I'm Done © Tweet.

I needed to write

So for a week now I have been having that fluttery heart thing. I hate it because it makes me nervous. I feel like I am going to die. I usually causes a panic attack. I have been cool with it lately tho. I think that I am finally over the horrible panic attacks. I figure if you gonna die, you gonna die. No amount of panic is gonna stop it.

finally dropped my Lit class yesterday so now there will be lass stress in my life. That class, tho it was one of my favorite, was really bringing me down. I just didn't have enough time to devote to it. I will pick it up in the spring.

I am so really feeling Ciara's new song. Yeah yeah yeah, I know she cant sing but that song is killin it. She has found her niche! I think she knows that she is a mediocre singer but she also knows that she has great dance moves and the people who wrote the song focused on what she could do. Too many singers trying to do stuff that they are not capable of. She knows what she can do and she is doing it. I might even buy the album........naw.

here at work on a saturday.

ready to go home and I just got here.


So umm, this lady that has been working here for 17years was fired on Thursday. She was fired because of attendance! See, this hits close to home for me because I am always late. I had a meeting the other day and my supervisor told me that I could not be late anymore but I was actually late that day. So I feel like I am working on borrowed time. Shit sucks!

But then again, I believe that subconsciously I want to be fired. I have had warning after warning but for some reason I just can't get here on time. I really hate this job therefore, I think that my mind is working so that I will not be here anymore. I really hate this job.

And in other news, I just wish that I could do a full week at that gym. This is another area where I just can't get motivated enough to do a full week. I am supposed to do mon, tue, thur, fri but what usually happens is that I will be all gung ho on Monday but I never make the full 4 days. I think the most that I have ever even done are 3. I really need to get in gear cause I have decided(for the umpteenth time) that I will not go into my 30's as a fat boy. I WONT!

wow, after about a month

I finally got back in the gym this morning. I really don't know what the block was. It was like, i could not get out of bed at 5am. I guess that ain't too unusual tho, i mean, who does want to get out of bed that early. I said a while a go that I did not want to go into my 30's as a fat boy. well, friday I turn 28 so that means I have 2 years to "doitdoitdoitdoit".

so. um. i think that trap and I have come to a snag in the situation. I mean, the snag has been there but I think that neither one of us wants to really examine it. Well, I'll take that back. I am willing to explore it but he is so afraid of confrontation. The problem is that he has not really come to terms with this relationship and his religion. He also has issues about wanting to earn his rightiousness but that would be another blog entry and a problem that many people deal with. Anyway, he said the other night that I have nothing to worry about as far as we go because he would never give up the situation, he just may alter it. What if i don't want to alter it. I mean, I can see the place he is going and I don't know if i want to ride. A relationship that is just a friendship. I sound stupid as I write this but I don't think that I am conveying the idea as clearly as I could. I mean, if we only gonna be friends then let's just be friends. He will soon not want any part in any of the "romantic" stuff that comes with being in a relationship. that sucks.

ok, so here's what's been happnin' in my life

1. My birthday is friday. hoping to have a nice time in atl with my homey Trap.
2. Told my best friend that I am gay. nigg was super cool with it and it makes me love him even more...no homo.
3. Noah's Arc is what's going on right now. sure the characters are a little hokey and some of the situations are mos def not what would happen in real life but all in all, the show is pretty good.
   
4. Speaking of Noah's Arc, Jensen Atwood is.....wow. That is all I can say.
5. Searching for a good used car is not a game.
6. The group thing is going pretty good. We did 2 gigs this weekend and these chuch people looked at us like we were crazy.
   
7. the other group.....well, i think that i am falling out of love with them.
   

breaking down

first off, everything that is within me wants a chicken biscuit this morning but i cannot because i am on a diet. the thing is, i didnt plan today. i have no meals lined up so that means it would be an easy day for me to slip up. but i wont, i say! as soon as i get a break i will be heading to the grocery to pick up some fruit. i also didnt make the gym this morning but i plan to go after work. i gotta get serious about this thing.

looks like atl for labor day is a bust. i mean, niggs just dont have the money. i got people that i have planned to see and things but i just don't see it. i wont give up just yet tho cause who knows what will happen.

finished watching "Tsotsi" last night and i thought the movie was pretty good. on the dvd tho, there was also another short film by the director called "The Shopkeeper". God that movie was crazy...but good. really pulled at the emotions. simple, no words really spoken in the movie. anyway, the climax of the movie made me cry....like for real cry. i mean, i started crying about the movie and then i started crying about so much going on in my life that i really feel like i can do nothing about. i cried aboput my money situation. i cried about a frustration of havingthe world against you but they just dont know it. frustration with church. frustration with church people. frustration with my mom not having enough money to wash her clothes and me not having enough money to help. i just dont know sometimes.

...i'm feeling a way this morning

I can't really explain it. i think that i am frustrated by the fact that I didnt get up in time this morning to go to the gym. I mean, i really want to loose weight but i dont think that I want to put in the work that goes along with that statement. sometimes i think about it and it seems that my mind is just programed to think that i will fail. it's like, i cant even imagine myself loosing the weight. i think that i will probably need to visualize this before i can even make any progress in loosing. cause if i dont think that it is possible then i wont really aim for it as i should.

there is also the singing thing. right now as i write this i dont even know if i really want to keep doing it. i think that it's because i saw some pics that i took with one of my groups and i was displeased. i just need to see some results and then i will feel better. and lets not even mention the gay thing. i just cant deal right now.

ok

so i was called in the office this morning on some internest stuff. that and the fact that I have been late a few times. at this point i really don't give a fuck about this job. i mean, i try my best to try and bring some comroderie and family values into this place and what i get in return is hate.

why in the hell is it of anyones concern what I do on the internet. they even had the nerve to say that I was on an innaprop site. ok, maybe i was on A4A a few times but dayum. alls i am saying is why in the hell cant we just get out of this petty tattle tale shit and do the job that we get paid to do

but you know, i guess this is the type of thing that happens when you work with a bunch of women. not that i have anything against the women but it seems that this is how they work best. in an enviroment of gossip and hearsay.

so all of this si why i hate it here. i must continue on the education path because i will not stay here for the rest of my days. i mean, i guess some oif these people can but i oneed to get my ass the hell up and out of here.

I had to write this down because the whole thing was eating at me. to think that some of these people can just smile in a niggs face and then go to the boss and hate on him. get a life and do something with yourself.

ahhhhhhhhh! i am just so hot right now! this shit is for the birds.

I got a little slack

What can I say, I just didn't feel like writting. With work, school, and all these practices, I really haven't had time for much.

I think that I will be getting the car back on the road today. I am so glad too because this bus thing is for the birds. Well, I cant really say that because it sounds lik I will be giving up the bus but that is not really true. I think I will still be riding a few times a week but at least I do have the option to drive if I want to.

Me and T are hanging by a string. Every since we did the do things have just not been the same. It is all so stupid and I really don't want to type all the stupid things that are happeneing but just know that the stuff is stupid. sex changes situations. i think i will make a whole entry about that topic soon.

there is a lady that works with me that is very dedicated to ger husband. I think it's bondage. like he says jump and she does it. i don't think i like that type of relationship.

I've got a new hobby!

Since I started riding the bus, I have recently taken an interest in trying to guess the ages of riders. People watching has always been a hobby of mine but this bus thing has only heightened it. The thing about guessing peoples ages though, is that it's kinda hard to tell with some people. Also, in the end, you never really know if you are right. I mean, it's not like I am about to ask that lovely older woman just how old she is to see if I won the game.

like I said, it's really hard to do with some people. What I have noticed is that white people look way older than their years while black people look younger. I guess that old adage about black not cracking is true. There is one guy that really intrigues me. He walks with a cane and his body tells the story of a man that has seen many years but his face says something totally different. This man is painfully attractive! I have often found myself staring at this man wondering what he must have been like in his youth. I would like to take his picture so that I could show it to people so they can see the epitome of "growing old gracefully". Trying to figure his age always frustrates me because I always struggle with the what I come up with. Most guesses I think are too old and are contradicted by his face while the others are too young according to his body. No matter what his age, it's nice to look at him.

My relationshit

I love you, I think. I have actually never been here before so I am really not sure how it's supposed to be. You say you love me too but for some reason I still doubt it. I think this is due to my insecurities. It's sad but yes, at 27 years old I am still dealing with not liking myself. Seems that through this whole situation I have just been waiting for you to finally come to your senses and drop me because you and I both know that you can do better than me. I hate to make you suffer because of what's wrong with me but truth be told, I really don't know how to act. On one hand I don't want to loose you but then again I feel like I should push you away in order to save myself the heartache. I keep trying to prove to myself that you don't want me because then I can say to myself "I told you so". It scares me to just give myself up completely to you/this because again, I don't want to be hurt. If I keep you at a distance and always act as if I am on the verge of letting you go, I can protect myself. Drop you before you drop me.
How can a person ever really know another's true feelings? You can't and that is part of the problem. I need to be sure that I am not making a fool of myself but I am learning that life is not like that. You have to take chances and hope for the best. This is my main problem because I like, too much, to be in control. I need to know that specific actions bring specific outcomes but this whole situation is not logical. Actions are often made and there is no rhyme or reason that can me applied to the equation to make it make sense.
Yes, you make me jealous when you talk to him. I am still scared that he has the power to take you away from me. He still has a part of you that I can never get to. No matter what you tell me I still feel as if I have not made it to the place that he has. I am second best and the one you settled for.
You are right when you say that I listen to my friends a lot. I know that their advice is sketchy at best but what else do I have? The alternative is to just listen and believe what you say and I can't do that. You have to understand that the advice that comes from them is given because they don't want me to be foolish. I know that according to them, I have already crossed the line.
"I love you" is a statement that I say to you often but what does it prove when the meaning of these words are unclear? I love you as much as I know about love but my understanding could be wrong. I am still trying to find the romantic movie love but maybe that just doesn't exist. I think that I am wasting my time looking for you to act like the movies. Maybe it's not practical to look for romance from you all the time and I need to just settle for what you do offer.

Time to get serious.

I just haven't been feeling writing as of late. Seems like nothing is really going on or at least nothing to write about. I want to be consistent with this tho so I will force myself to put down something interesting or not.

Last night my friend Monty hung up the phone on me. We had an argument, I guess. See, I have to question weather or not it was a true argument because if it was, I was not an active participant. I know arguments! When I am in an argument, the bottom line is for me to show the other person where they are wrong and how ignorant they are for thinking that they are right. In an argument I tend to be cut throat and feelings of the opponent are not spared. I did none of this last night. In this conversation I was only trying to give my friend some helpful advice and the only reason that I assume it had to be an argument is because he hung up the phone on me. That is what people in arguments do.

It really does not matter what the argument was about because that is not what is important. The most important thing is that he hung up the phone on me. In my humble opinion, hanging up the phone while having a conversation or an argument is a immature thing. It's childish! What this action says about the person who does it is that their brain has not yet developed the skills to communicate an idea or an opinion if another party disagrees with them. This means that their skills only allow them to participate in conversation only if everyone agrees with them. That's silly!

At any rate, my friend Monty is now upset with me for trying to give him a little advice. Hopefully he will think about his actions and call me up and I will still be cool with him cause like I said, he is my boy. And even when he finally decides to call me back, I will still finish giving him the advice that I started. He needs to hear it.

God is Good

In all that I go through he is good. And I hesitate to say "all that I go through" cause I actually don't go through a lot. Sure right now I have no car and that forces me to depend on the bus and friends to get around but this situation makes me loose some of the pride that I have. Not the kind of pride that makes me think that I am better than someone else. It's the type of pride that would make me walk a couple of miles to a gas station instead of calling someone to help me out(true story). The fact of the matter is we sometimes need people to help us and it is a big person that can humble themselves and ask for it.

This whole looking for a car thing is kinda tough. I can't decide if I should go for what I want or go for what I can afford. Well, I know that I will have to go for what I can afford but what I mean is should I just get any car for the money that I have or should I look for the car I want at the price that I have. If I focus on the car I want this bus thing may be a while but if I just get what I can get then I will feel like I wasted the money. I just don't know what to do. I have given myself until May(maybe June) to do this bus thing. All I know is that I cannot go into the winter this way. Too cold to be waiting for the bus.

Man....i'm walking again

Yup, I am rolling with the public transportation once again. The car that my grandma let me use is finally gone so I am forced to use the bus and cabs and my feet. It's really not that bad tho. I mean, my boy Kendrick does it everyday in the ATL. It is also a chance for me to work in a little more exercise in my day too so it's a win win. Pretty soon ya boy is gonna be buff.

I am really really bummed out about my boy passing last week. It really just made me look at the other relationships that I have in my life. I have a lot of friends all over the country and now I want to make sure that I get a chance to fellowship with them, in person, before I or they leave the earth. I mean, Rob was like my brother and everytime I think about it I get a little choked up. I was really not there for him in his last days. All in all it makes me value the people that I have left.

Also, on the relationship front, things are going pretty well. I mean, I think that we are at a place where we are just used to each other. I mean, we are comfortable. We can even order for one another at resteraunts. That type of stuff is priceless! I mean, people who know exactly what you like and don't like! I love it.

You will be missed..

I believe that there are some people in the world that have a special connection. Kindred spirits, if you will. It's as if the two people grew up as siblings because of the similar experiences and and issues they share but the truth is they were raised miles apart. In early times, I imagine that many people went their whole lives without really meeting a person like this. I mean, in those days, people were limited to only coming in contact with those that were in their immediate vicinity but in modern times we have the convenience of the online chats, emails, and message boards. This allows us to speak to people that live many miles away from us and enables us a better chance to find people that really get us. This was the situation with my man Rob.

Okp was the place we started our journey. The fact that we both were there meant that we already had music in common. We would discover that we had so much more that we shared. Eventually we graduated from emails and in boxes to phone conversations. Religion to relationships had us talking til we lost the time.

One day he shared with me. He thought it would change my friendship but It made me stand in his corner even more. Then he fell on bad times and me, like an idiot, helped financially. I gave to someone that I never even met in person. I knew that God was in it. He was my brother and I wanted to do all that I could to make his situation better.

As it got worse, our friendship started slipping. It was me. I was not able to handle this side of it. As I look back now, I think I could have done more. I would call and his brother would say he was sleeping. Sometimes no one would answer the phone. I would let weeks go between my attempts. I think...I know I was scared to face this. I didn't want to let my friend go and I knew that it was approaching.

He was me! Older and wiser but he was me. We were the same and had fallen into the same traps. Why him and not me? Who am I that this did not befall me? We constantly talked of the goodness of God and even in his state he praised. God is good no matter what you are in. If I make my bed in hell, he is there..... It makes me ask myself why one and not the other. Why him and not me.

So now it is done and I praise God that I was allowed to meet such a wonderful person as this. Knowing him has definitely made me wiser and more careful and I know that his life was not in vain. Rob man, I love you. Wish I could have said it to you before you left this plain but to be absent from the body....

It's been a minute....

But I just wasn't interested in writhing for a while. I mean, I really didn't have anything to talk about but now, ya boy is back.

First things first, I had a little trouble with a debt collection agency last week. I mean these cats tried to play me hard. I don't even feel like getting into it again because I have told this story a million times this weekend but rest assured, I did get it handled.

Late Valentines Post

I U

Valentines is over and it's a good thing. I spent a grip for my homeboy and I am really just glad that it is over. All in all a good time was had by all tho.

I have not been to the gym in about a week. Not because I am being lazy mind you. I have just been really really busy. Times like these I wish my gym was 24hrs cause then I could just swing over there anytime. Next week I am gonna have to do better.

Looks like I am gonna have to get some braces back on. I broke my retainer about 6mths ago and failed to get another one and my teeth have shifted. Seems that they have shifted so much that a retainer is no longer gonna help. I will have to get a few more braces put on for a few more months but it will be ok. My boy D said that it is stupid for me to waste money on that but I say that I already invested 4000+ into my mouth and I don't want that to be wasted money. I will be more careful the next time.

Doing what I have to do now in order to do what I want to do later.....

This is what I am forcing myself to live by. I mean, I am not getting any younger so I must start to think about the future. I see my Grandma and even my mom just barely making it and I really don't want to turn out that way. And for this reason I am regrettably not going to be able to purchase an ipod at this time. I mean, I could but it just would not be a good look seeing that there are other things that I need to be doing with my income tax. I really want one tho! Now it is time to be grown.

Last night while watching TV I happened to catch the Dateline special "To Catch a predator" and I thought that it was very interesting. In case someone reading this does not know what it was about, it is when Dateline puts together a sting operation to catch sexual predators. They actually get these adults to pose as children on the internet and then lure people to a house thinking that they may engage in some kind of sexual...something with these minors. The whole thing was really pretty sad to me and probably not because of the reason that people might think. I was pretty sad for the guys who got caught. Yeah, I know that is not a popular stance to take but seems my whole life, I have always been on the team of the underdog. Let me explain myself.

I think that most people would watch something like that and immediately start to pass judgment on the guys that were caught. Most people start to think thoughts about how sick these people must be to try something like that. Even the reporter was type judgmental and it seems that everybody is alright with that. Most people in the world think it's ok to hate murderers and rapist and child molesters. On the surface all we see are these "sick bastards" that just want to molest and rape our kids but I know it goes much deeper than that. If someone were to study this, I think that they would find that most if not all of these guys had some kind of trouble in their own youth. No, this is by no means an excuse for their actions but just an attempt to show that these people are not the one dimensional monsters that we are more comfortable with them being.

If we were to examine one of these "predators" closely and find out that they were in fact molested and raped as a youth, it makes one look at them differently. It now means that this person is not just a monster but only continuing a cycle of abuse that was placed on them. It is not so easy to just write them off as a "sick bastard". We are now forced to humanize this animal and maybe even feel compassion for them and that is the way it should be. Most of the guys that were seen last night knew that they were wrong and even knew that they should not engage in what they were trying to do but they just couldn't help themselves. Again, I am not saying that these people aren't wrong for their actions but what I am saying is that they need to be understood and not just disregarded.

Just throwing people in jail and humiliating them on TV is not enough to stop these people from doing what they do. As was shown on the show last night, many of the guys were second time offenders and had already been caught once before. As everyone knows, I am a strong advocate of living in the truth. People need to come to terms with their issues and face them head on and even share them with people so that they don't have to face them alone. I think peoples inner turmoil thrive in secrecy and that is one reason that we need to live in the truth. If we tell someone what our struggle is then we have someone in the fight to help us. When we keep it inside we have to try to deal with it by ourselves and the flesh is sometimes so weak.

anyway, I need to stop here and pick topic up on a later date.