I wonder if I am making a mistake....

I have allowed him access back into my life. I had control when I would not accept calls or return text but we started talking again. Right now I say that we will never be any more than just friends but the truth is I really don't know. I feel myself falling back into a familiar routine with him and it kind of makes me mad. He does not deserve it! Why do I keep giving it to him?

In other news, Donnie on Friday! I am so excited about seeing him perform and I will be going with my man Sean. Sean is col people and was actually right there for me throughout the whole Travis ordeal. Nothing romantic....at least on my end.

I really feel like I am in a soap opera

Tuesday I get a text informing me that he realizes that he made a mistake and that me misses me. He misses me? This whole thing is surreal. I talked to him yesterday and got down to the bottom of some things that had been on my mind. Yes they had been talking before we were officially done. Yes they other guy did make him think I was cheating. Yes they are now living together but he says he is miserable. According to him it's only a business arrangement.

So what am I supposed to do with this info. I am torn. The truth is I do miss ole boy but at the same time I really feel like he does not deserve even my friendship. Me talking on the phone with him is probably giving him too much. He says he misses me and one part of me is happy about that. I mean, he threw this away not me so why should I let it be so easy for him to turn around.

I told him that I think he needs to be alone. Stop trying to be in a relationship and just be by yourself. See how that is for a while.

Well Well Well.......

So, this dude keeps sending me text messages so I decide to call and ask him what the hell his problem is. I mean, we don't have shit to discuss cause you made your choice and now let's all live with it. Nigg is on some, "I want to make sure we are still cool" stuff. FUCK YOU!

Anyway, we talked and it seems that the situation that you thought would be better than this one is not. Homey is talking to me in secret and shit cause his new man told him that he cant talk to me. HA! Turns out that all that grass you thought would be greener is really astro turf.

And how do I feel about this turn of events? I am so happy. I want him to be in a bad situation. I know that is wrong but you deserve it. You threw away 2 years for some nigg that put flowers on your car in the beginning and now is holding you hostage. Don't you feel dumb.

My new relationship.

There she is. The new woman in my life. I call her "Ruth" and so far our situation is perfect. I love her already. A lot better than that bitch I had before. I didn't even know her name. All I know is that she was selfish(did shit when she wanted to such as start) and unreliable(cutting off in the middle of traffic and shit). Thank God for "Ruth"!

In other news....there ain't much. Just bought another ipod Sunday and that's about the most exciting thing going on for me. No relationships on the horizon and you know what, I am satisfied with that. Who needs the headache? I think that I am done with all that stuff for a while. Right now it's all about me. Trying to finish school is the top priority at this moment and that means I really have no time for anything else. Nope, there is no love in any of my plans.

This bastid had the gall to text me today!

"Hello, just wanted to check on u."

The fuck? What makes you think in need to be checked on and especially by you. You think because you decided to be an ass that I fell apart? I am just fine and would actually rather you leave me the hell alone! It's so arrogant the way it was written. Written like you are doing me some sort of favor by offering me a gift of a text. Fuck You!

Now I am debating how I should handle this. I do believe that it would be best if I just ignored the text altogether. Just pretend that I never even got it. That would be the best way to show you that I have most defiantly moved on. I would speak volumes by not saying a word but I am sure that you are much to stupid to even get that. One part of me still wants to kick your ass and tell your whole family how much of a nasty fag you really are....but what would that accomplish.

The truth of the matter is, I still love you. I actually miss you. I really want to talk to you but you messed that up. I wish I could wish you happy birthday but how could I. I can't even play around with the idea of being your friend because you really don't deserve it.

So yeah, I won't even respond to it. I have to just let it go and maybe in a year we can attempt a friendship. Right now, I gotta erase the message.

I am going crazy on Half.com

www.half.com

I have spent close to $50.00 in the last couple of days on that shit. Trying to get some old stuff that I have lost over the years. Why, I don't know since my ipod is tripping again. that shit just won't do right!

So, again, a brother is back on the bus. Seems like I am always having car problems but I plan to put that shit to a halt soon. I have seen my new baby! A nice, '98 ford explorer sport and it's a stick! If dude can just hold out until I get my student loan then I will be cool.

They called me last night. Wow! The nerve! Called me like they just wanted to have a conversation. What did I do? I straight cussed his ass out! He acted all sad as if this was surprising to him. I really think that he is a retard. For real. All that shit and he thinks we are supposed to be buddy buddy now. I am really at a loss with this one.

I am mad as hell right now

naw, fuck that. I am not gonna write in my blogg about that shit. I wont even give that situation the satisfaction of knowing that I am bothered by it. All I will say is that people are fucked up. How can a person pretend to be someone that they are not. My man Tony said that you cant be mad at yourself for loving someone who PRETENDED to love you back. I mean, how was I to know that it was a lie. All that wasted time tho. I heard them say "I love you" to somebody else. that hurts.

It's a new year

I was Atlanta for the new year and everything was real cool. I was able to chill with some old friends and even some online friends and all in all, everything was cool. This weekend really made me appreciate my boy Dwight a little more. I am thinking that this is because I am still missing Jamaco so much and maybe I am just wanting to cling to something or someone. Don't get me wrong, Dwight and I have been friends since were were in the 9th grade but I guess I kinda took him for granted. Life can be short and full of surprises so now a brother is just trying to not take anything or body for granted. Dwight is my boy.

I don't usually do white singers but this Robin Thicke is the troof. Why aint nobody tell me? I didn't even want this album but now I listen to it religiously. I would rather listen to him than mr. Timberlake.

I wish there was a way to put all my blogging together

and since i don't know of one yet http://traj.diaryland.com/index.html is where all my blogs before this one can be found.

dayum i miss my homey. shit gets worse everyday. its like it is finally setting in that I wont be seeing him.

I am pissed today for a couple of reasons.

1) I asked that dude to please get a gift certificate for me. It was a present that I was planning to give to my grandmother for Christmas. He said he would. I mean, he owed me money so he was really just paying me back. I asked on Thursday. I waited until Sunday to ask again. He said he was still going to pick it up. Today is Tuesday and I still have no gift certificate! And he didn't even have the decency to call me and let me know anything. And this is why we are no longer an item. My boy told me last night that he thinks that I was just using this gift certificate thing as a test to see if I wanted to remain friends with Trap. I think he was right and the way he acted lets me know that we cannot be friends. He is not a person that I would be friends with. I cant stand his ass.

2) The baby mama of my recently deceased friend is not allowing anyone to see the child. I have tried to call her several times and left messages but she has not returned any of them. Yesterday I heard that she is complaining that too many people are calling her and she feels that it is harassment. Harassment!? I spent a grip on my god son and I just need to know what I need to do with all this stuff. Why in the hell would a person act so dumb at a time like this? This is supposed to be a festive time of year but my boy is gone and now she is making it worse. Why would she not allow the family to see the child? I have a mind to go up there and smack some sense into her ass.

Yesterday I lost my friend

Actually, lost is such a final word. I think that I would rather say we won't speak for a time.
This was more that my friend. A brother. As a mater of fact we decided a long time ago that since we were only children, we should just be brothers......from different mothers.
Outkast was our shit
Cee-lo was the man
Bilal was the voice.....why nobody understood that was beyond us. I mean, just listen to "Sometimes"
I hated his womanizing
he was cool with my issue
He kept saying that I was going to have to do better if I was going to be the Godfather of little J.

Sometimes shit is just so final.
I need to ask him about making copies of the first 3 seasons of the wire.
Ideally, when people die, they should leave all work finished.
Since we still have things to do, he cant be gone.
right?
I mean, that is what my mind says.

I used to be scared to die. Like, I would have these real big panic attacks about it.
Funny, but yesterday I wasn't so scared. I know I will have somebody waiting to trip with.

R.I.P
Gary Jamaco Moon

We have not talked since Monday

I mean, really! This is just going too far. I cannot call him because that means he won. Yes, I know it is so childish but it's the principle of the thing. I can just see his smug ass sitting there waiting for me to call but I just cannot do it! I mean, I called him on Monday....10 times consecutively. He decided not to answer so it is very unfair to think that I would call after that. I sent a text last night and he didn't even respond. This whole situation just lets me know exactly were I stand. I'm Done © Tweet.

I needed to write

So for a week now I have been having that fluttery heart thing. I hate it because it makes me nervous. I feel like I am going to die. I usually causes a panic attack. I have been cool with it lately tho. I think that I am finally over the horrible panic attacks. I figure if you gonna die, you gonna die. No amount of panic is gonna stop it.

finally dropped my Lit class yesterday so now there will be lass stress in my life. That class, tho it was one of my favorite, was really bringing me down. I just didn't have enough time to devote to it. I will pick it up in the spring.

I am so really feeling Ciara's new song. Yeah yeah yeah, I know she cant sing but that song is killin it. She has found her niche! I think she knows that she is a mediocre singer but she also knows that she has great dance moves and the people who wrote the song focused on what she could do. Too many singers trying to do stuff that they are not capable of. She knows what she can do and she is doing it. I might even buy the album........naw.

here at work on a saturday.

ready to go home and I just got here.


So umm, this lady that has been working here for 17years was fired on Thursday. She was fired because of attendance! See, this hits close to home for me because I am always late. I had a meeting the other day and my supervisor told me that I could not be late anymore but I was actually late that day. So I feel like I am working on borrowed time. Shit sucks!

But then again, I believe that subconsciously I want to be fired. I have had warning after warning but for some reason I just can't get here on time. I really hate this job therefore, I think that my mind is working so that I will not be here anymore. I really hate this job.

And in other news, I just wish that I could do a full week at that gym. This is another area where I just can't get motivated enough to do a full week. I am supposed to do mon, tue, thur, fri but what usually happens is that I will be all gung ho on Monday but I never make the full 4 days. I think the most that I have ever even done are 3. I really need to get in gear cause I have decided(for the umpteenth time) that I will not go into my 30's as a fat boy. I WONT!

wow, after about a month

I finally got back in the gym this morning. I really don't know what the block was. It was like, i could not get out of bed at 5am. I guess that ain't too unusual tho, i mean, who does want to get out of bed that early. I said a while a go that I did not want to go into my 30's as a fat boy. well, friday I turn 28 so that means I have 2 years to "doitdoitdoitdoit".

so. um. i think that trap and I have come to a snag in the situation. I mean, the snag has been there but I think that neither one of us wants to really examine it. Well, I'll take that back. I am willing to explore it but he is so afraid of confrontation. The problem is that he has not really come to terms with this relationship and his religion. He also has issues about wanting to earn his rightiousness but that would be another blog entry and a problem that many people deal with. Anyway, he said the other night that I have nothing to worry about as far as we go because he would never give up the situation, he just may alter it. What if i don't want to alter it. I mean, I can see the place he is going and I don't know if i want to ride. A relationship that is just a friendship. I sound stupid as I write this but I don't think that I am conveying the idea as clearly as I could. I mean, if we only gonna be friends then let's just be friends. He will soon not want any part in any of the "romantic" stuff that comes with being in a relationship. that sucks.

ok, so here's what's been happnin' in my life

1. My birthday is friday. hoping to have a nice time in atl with my homey Trap.
2. Told my best friend that I am gay. nigg was super cool with it and it makes me love him even more...no homo.
3. Noah's Arc is what's going on right now. sure the characters are a little hokey and some of the situations are mos def not what would happen in real life but all in all, the show is pretty good.
   
4. Speaking of Noah's Arc, Jensen Atwood is.....wow. That is all I can say.
5. Searching for a good used car is not a game.
6. The group thing is going pretty good. We did 2 gigs this weekend and these chuch people looked at us like we were crazy.
   
7. the other group.....well, i think that i am falling out of love with them.
   

breaking down

first off, everything that is within me wants a chicken biscuit this morning but i cannot because i am on a diet. the thing is, i didnt plan today. i have no meals lined up so that means it would be an easy day for me to slip up. but i wont, i say! as soon as i get a break i will be heading to the grocery to pick up some fruit. i also didnt make the gym this morning but i plan to go after work. i gotta get serious about this thing.

looks like atl for labor day is a bust. i mean, niggs just dont have the money. i got people that i have planned to see and things but i just don't see it. i wont give up just yet tho cause who knows what will happen.

finished watching "Tsotsi" last night and i thought the movie was pretty good. on the dvd tho, there was also another short film by the director called "The Shopkeeper". God that movie was crazy...but good. really pulled at the emotions. simple, no words really spoken in the movie. anyway, the climax of the movie made me cry....like for real cry. i mean, i started crying about the movie and then i started crying about so much going on in my life that i really feel like i can do nothing about. i cried aboput my money situation. i cried about a frustration of havingthe world against you but they just dont know it. frustration with church. frustration with church people. frustration with my mom not having enough money to wash her clothes and me not having enough money to help. i just dont know sometimes.

...i'm feeling a way this morning

I can't really explain it. i think that i am frustrated by the fact that I didnt get up in time this morning to go to the gym. I mean, i really want to loose weight but i dont think that I want to put in the work that goes along with that statement. sometimes i think about it and it seems that my mind is just programed to think that i will fail. it's like, i cant even imagine myself loosing the weight. i think that i will probably need to visualize this before i can even make any progress in loosing. cause if i dont think that it is possible then i wont really aim for it as i should.

there is also the singing thing. right now as i write this i dont even know if i really want to keep doing it. i think that it's because i saw some pics that i took with one of my groups and i was displeased. i just need to see some results and then i will feel better. and lets not even mention the gay thing. i just cant deal right now.

ok

so i was called in the office this morning on some internest stuff. that and the fact that I have been late a few times. at this point i really don't give a fuck about this job. i mean, i try my best to try and bring some comroderie and family values into this place and what i get in return is hate.

why in the hell is it of anyones concern what I do on the internet. they even had the nerve to say that I was on an innaprop site. ok, maybe i was on A4A a few times but dayum. alls i am saying is why in the hell cant we just get out of this petty tattle tale shit and do the job that we get paid to do

but you know, i guess this is the type of thing that happens when you work with a bunch of women. not that i have anything against the women but it seems that this is how they work best. in an enviroment of gossip and hearsay.

so all of this si why i hate it here. i must continue on the education path because i will not stay here for the rest of my days. i mean, i guess some oif these people can but i oneed to get my ass the hell up and out of here.

I had to write this down because the whole thing was eating at me. to think that some of these people can just smile in a niggs face and then go to the boss and hate on him. get a life and do something with yourself.

ahhhhhhhhh! i am just so hot right now! this shit is for the birds.

I got a little slack

What can I say, I just didn't feel like writting. With work, school, and all these practices, I really haven't had time for much.

I think that I will be getting the car back on the road today. I am so glad too because this bus thing is for the birds. Well, I cant really say that because it sounds lik I will be giving up the bus but that is not really true. I think I will still be riding a few times a week but at least I do have the option to drive if I want to.

Me and T are hanging by a string. Every since we did the do things have just not been the same. It is all so stupid and I really don't want to type all the stupid things that are happeneing but just know that the stuff is stupid. sex changes situations. i think i will make a whole entry about that topic soon.