WOW! It's been so long since I wrote a blog! I would love to say that this class that I was taking took up all of my time but the truth of that matter is that I was just being a lazy bastid. I really need to do better because one thing that I know for sure keeping a blog does is improve my writing. I guess.
So the picture is my attempt at cream spinach. Had my wisdoms removed on Thursday so I had to sick to soft foods. I used this as an excuse for me to finally try to make something that I love.

Wisconsin

Struggling

Some of my friends know that I have been struggling with my faith, and religion, and church, and that whole ball of wax for some time. For a while I have been really trying to figure out how all this stuff goes together and where I fit in. I have had some knockdown, drag-outs with people that are close to me about my opinions on these things and some relationships are still not the same.

And this whole time, I have secretly been a little pissed with HIM because as I have outlined in this blog many times before, He(and just for the record, I am now struggling with this pronoun I use to describe the creator) is conveniently silent on many issues which forces us to figure out a lot on our own.....with no real proof that what we figured out is even right. Ohhh but this week I have to say that He proved himself to me in a way that has significantly strengthened my faith and erased many of the doubts that had.

What happened? well, I don't want to bore anyone with those details but what I will say is that for me, I know that there is G-d. Do I still struggle with some of the ideas and explanations that I struggled with before? Sure but one thing that I know for sure is that there is something out there that guides and leads me.

Now, I am still working through the idea that maybe the G-d that we have been taught is not the whole. I am finding further comfort in the idea that G-d truly is way bigger than we can even comprehend. What if even the bible only gives us a glimpse? In my summation, the creator cannot be contained in a book because the idea of him in that book was conveyed through human vessels and I believe that our humanity won't allow us to comprehend all that He(there's that pronoun again) is. I am sure he imparted what he could to those that participated in the writing, but the bible is simply an exercise in humanity trying to understand the eternal. The idea is way too big and humans trying to explain to other humans with the tools that we have been given(speech, illustration, written language) could never do justice to all that G-d is.

At any rate, if I don't know anything else, I know that in my life there is a force pushing me toward something. And here I am, stuck in the middle of the unknown, but comfortable with a little less struggle.

Fat people can be some haters.

I just came back from lunch and the entire conversation at the table(a conversation that I made sure I stayed out of) was about my co-worker that recently decided to have the Gastric Bypass. I realize that I work with a bunch of haters. Tell me why is it that these severely overweight people(and I am included myself in the overweight part) think they have all the knowledge on what it takes to lose weight? I mean, if you really had the market cornered on weight loss.....you would not be fat, right? Making comments like 'it don't take all that' and 'she just needs will power' and 'she will never keep it off' and 'she will end up heavier than she was'. All of these comments made as they ate a large pepperoni pizza. I had a salad.

As I said in the previous blog, I don't want to hate on the surgery although I do have my issues with the process but I refuse to talk about ole girl. She wanna go under the knife, I pray that it's successful but these people. They already made he fat again and she ain't even had the surgery yet! And all this coming from a couple of people that would be good candidates for the surgery themselves. Fat people can be some haters

Work Chronicles

So I decided that I needed to write more but the problem is I never have much to write about. What I discovered though, through the many conversations I have with my friends is that I always have an awful lot to say about work. So I decided that for the time being, I would blog about work stuff. Today's installment: 'Tina Hernandez'

I've been working with 'Tina Hernandez' for about 9 years. She was hired a few weeks after I came and I remember this fact because while she was being interviewed, one of the questions we all overheard her ask the supervisor was, "Where are all the men!!" After that everyone knew that she would be a card.
What I have found in all these years of working together is that Tina is a whining baby. Not really sure what her upbringing was but I would be willing to guess she was a spoiled brat. This guess comes from the fact that she never takes responsibility (always wants to pass her work to others) and the fact that she is extremely overweight. Her parents must have given her whatever she wanted and fixed all her problems for her so she has no idea how to do it now that she is an adult. I would imagine she tries to cope with reality vs. the false reality her parents gave her by eating. And this is why she is obese. But that's just my theory.
So after living most of her life as a big girl, she has decided to do something about it. She informed me the other day that she is considering the gastric bypass. She says that she has tried many times before to lose but nothing has worked so this is the final option. Ok, so I am a fat boy too so I don't want this to come across like I am judging her or anything cause I'm not but I do not agree with the bypass. I've said many times before that in my mind, it would be the same as buying a plant but never watering it and when it starts to die, painting the leaves green. Fundamentally, the person getting it done is not addressing the real issue behind their eating. They are only masking the problem. Incidentaly, this same plant analogy is the main reason I don't take over the counter meds. I mean, advil will releave your headache but, what I need to know is why the hell you got a headache anyway! But I digress...
Tina came to me recently and informed me of her decision and while she was telling me her plans, she started crying. It was emotional how she weaved a story about how she had never really been intimate with her husband and how she just wanted to one day walk the beach with her daughter. I was moved. Imagine how I felt when I saw her the next day with a box of donut holes. Are you eaven trying? And don't get me wrong, I wanted some of those holes too but my willpower prevailed and I resisted temptation but her, the woman that was crying the day before about how she only has sex with her husband in the dark with her clothes on, ate damn near the whole box! I ask, what is the point.
In the end, she will probably get the surgery and even lose but her eating habits will still be the same. I heard that people can actually stretch their stomachs back to the original size after they have the surgeryand end up fat again. You know why? They never address the real issue which means they still eat when they are bored, or sad, or angry. I hope that works out for her.

Back in Town

What a wonderful time I had in NYC! Started off a little rocky(Delta Sucks) but in the end I wasn't really ready to leave.

I imagine that I was just not meant to live in Greenville. I am bigger than this place! I have got to get out.

Once upon a time I thout Atlanta was the escape route but now I am thinking New York. It's so forward!

Being in NYC for a week has also made it painfully obvious(ohh my aching feet) that I must get my weight under control. I am tired of being a fat boy! My social life suffers because of it.

NYC scene >>>>> ATL scene

Sucky Attitudes At Work

It's the holiday season so I have been trying to spread some Christmas cheer but what I have found is that a lot of people that work here would rather be miserable. I think that I have always have always known this but it never really became real to me until a few things changed around here. I think it all started when my Manager resigned.

As far as managers go, she was ok. In some instances she would help you out and then sometimes she would fuck you up. She was like that aunt that you enjoyed seeing at holidays but hated going to her house for any extended period of time. Personally, I didn't have a real big problem with her. I've been here for about 9years so I had pretty much learned how to navigate around her bullshit and we were cool but some of the others here hated her. HATED HER!! I mean, she first took a leave because of health problems and some of these people were damn near wishing her death while she was in the hospital! She came back and after a few weeks decided it would be better if she retired......people started crying. These same people that talked so much shit about her were crying with her as she walked out. Ok, so that type of reaction you expect but what these people did next was the kicker. About a week after she was gone, they again started talking about how they were glad she was gone! But you were just crying for her...........

The next clue was the new messaging system. Everybody in here was complaining everyday about the system we were using and acting as if they were ready to move on to something new. Ahh but they fooled me. I was expecting that the complaints would stop as soon as the old system was out but to my surprise, the complaints got louder. And more vicious. I'd like to think that I handle myself with a lot of poise and dignity but one day I came in and I damn near cursed a co worker out because of their grunts. It was a mess. I mean, can you imagine a people that complain no matter what? It's like, they don't like the way things are going but if you try to change anything, they hate that too. Like they have conditioned themselves to not be happy.

And my latest clue that these peoples need to be miserable was shown to me as I tried to spread the cheer of t he season. I had plans to bring some type of Christmas joy every week of December but again, these people would have no part of happiness. I suggested that we bring holiday treats every week in Dec.....they decided to to participate. I arranged a secret santa gift exchange......they did not enter their names. I planned a after work holiday potluck......aint none of them show. As if t hey were just saying 'fuck you Quadrus and all your efforts to make us have a better work enviroment'

At this point I have decided that I will not be making such a great effort in the coming year because it seems that they dont want it. They want to be miserabnle so I will let them. They like the confusion so let them have it. I won't be a part of it and I will shut anything down that comes my way but if they want to wallow, imma let em'

But you know what tho, I think that I will start blogging about these miserable people. Maybe do a blob per person and some of the fuicked up shit they do so you all can get an idea.

I keep saying imma do better

But I keep slacking. It's 12:26am and I should be sleep(or washing my clothes) but I just can't. So I might as well make the best of this time and finally write in my blog.

So what can I write about? How about an update blog!

1. Shanen is great. I really like this cat. He is my friend.
2. I still have no promotion but but all of the responsibility that would come with one.
3. I will be going back to NY in about 3 weeks.
4. cant wait for the new year. i promise it will be bigger and better for my blog. i want to start posting up my short stories.

randumb shit

I once trained this woman named Sylvia. A nice enough lady with nothing that really stood out about her except for the fact that she was a heavy smoker. She had that "Newport Throat" and would take breaks once an hour to go to her car and light one up. She would also call out often(one the things that eventually led to her termination) but other than that she was just another employee.
One day she came in and she looked a little down so I asked her if she was OK. She said she was fine but then proceeded to tell me about her daughter's husband and how he'd died the night before. Apparently it was sudden and everyone was still in shock. A reasonably healthy 30year old with no signs of trouble just died. I pressed for further details and right before she started sobbing uncontrollably, she gave me one detail that still troubles me to this day. He died on the toilet.
After she calmed down Sylvia told me of how she'd gone to her daughter's house the night before to have dinner with the family. She kept stressing how everything was normal. They ate, fellowshiped, and at the end of the night, she left. Just a normal night. By the time she arrived at her home tho, her daughter was calling her pleading for her to come back because something was wrong. She said her husband had gone to the bathroom and never came back out.
So they called the ambulance, they came out and it turns out that Sylvia's son in law had indeed passed away having a bowel movement.
So what does this have to do with me? Why am I even putting this story in my blog. Well, sometimes people will tell me shit or I will hear something on CNN or Discovery and it will stick with me. Like, I know that when you are having a stroke that your grip is affected and you wont be able to make a strong fist. I test my fist strength from time to time just to make sure I'm not stroking. Anyway, Sylvia told me that she was going to get more information on exactly why her son in law died and I was waiting with baited breath to get that. Guess what! She got fired later week and I never found out what happened to that guy!
Now everytime I have to take a shit, I wonder if I will die on the toilet.

my obligatory blog entry

What is going on with me? Not much. On the verge of a significant promotion or a big move. On the edge of a meaningful relationship or a waste of time. Seems I am always on the edge or something. Like I can never really reach my full potential because i never see anything through. I am always just short of something. Sometimes I feel I truly embody the old adage "Jack of all trades but master of none"

And you know where I think this comes from? It's the Zodiac! I was born on September the 22 1978. Most people will tell you that this makes me a Virgo but there are some Zodiac calendars that would label me a Libra. I am on the cusp. Even the powers that be were a little undecided when it came to my sign. Seems that I was destined to be a little scatter brained.

It's like, I am messy but I need everyone else to be organized. I am always procrastinating but I insist everybody else be proactive. Just a ball of confusion. And I have no clue how to fix this......and I am not even sure if I want to.

After all these years of bullshitting at my job....

Ya boy is finally doing some work! I have mixed emotions about this. I mean, on one hand I was bored with my job and I hated coming here everyday but the good thing was the fact that I was able to get online whenever I wanted to. Now, I cant even think about getting online(even tho I am online right now....) because there seems to always be something for me to do. It's alright tho because at least now I feel appreciated and I feel like I am really doing something that matters. The thing that I am really excited about is the idea that these new responsibilities will segue into a new job title and maybe in a new career direction. Things are good.

My *boy's* birthday was on Tuesday and I was having a really hard time trying to decide what to send him. I was going send him a gift card to some book store or something but then my friend suggested that I instead send him some real money. That suggestion didn't sit well with me. Why? I can't say but there was most definitely a block when he said that. And the thing is, he needs the cash way more than he needs a gift certificate since he is moving in a week or so. I just feel like sending *special* people money could send a bad message. I don't want anyone to be dependent on me. Ideally, any relationship that I get in, I would want my partner to be an equal partner so that I would be able to give support as well as receive. At this point, that aint the case. Homeboy is barely making it and I am in no way judging him cause I know that he is working toward some things and right now he is just trying to get some things together. And it's not like he has even done anything that would make me think that he is trying to use me. Matter of fact, he has actually done just the opposite and shunned any help that I have offered. That means that it aint him.....it's me. What is it. I would be willing to bet that it's more of the baggage that I brought from previous situations and that sucks. Anyway, I compromised with myself and sent a Visa gift card. That way, it's not paper money but he is not confined to where he can spend it. I hope he likes it.

Just to relax

I thought that I should come over here and post up something. Just to take some time out of my day and get some relaxation.

Why is it that every time you plan some shit out, the shit that you didn't plan for happens? That would be a good way to describe my day thus far. I had a tight ass schedule that would not allow a lot of deviation but when you add people to any plan, you can never be sure how it will turn out. Today reinforced my idea that everybody is not like me. Which means that everyone does not act like me. Because if someone were to give me an assignment to do, I would not instead talk on my cell phone and waste 4hours doing something that should only take 2. Naw, I probably would.

I have an idea for a new story. Not exactly an idea but I want to start off a story with a description of a sweet summer evening in the south. I want to take the time and describe sitting on the porch in the evening with cousin talking about nothing all while the sun goes down. I want to Explain what it feels like after an evening rain when everything is all wet but the sun is shinning. Or those times when you spent the whole day at the pool and when evening comes you are tired as shit but you are excited cause somebody is about to start the grill. Or those lazy evenings when you don't do a thing except eat watermelon. Southern summer evenings are magical I think. Just describing it in the blog makes me feel all warm inside. I need to write something that includes that.

You know what I discovered the other day? I really do love my moms. I know that sounds weird but me and moms have had a 'hard row to ho' when it comes to building our relationship. I could go into all the details here but I think that would require another blog entry so I will just say that we had a few times of absence from one another and I think that is why our relationship was kinda funny. Once I had a friend tell me that she didn't think that I loved my mom and I remember feeling real bad when she said that. I mean, i thought I loved my mom and on some levels I think that I did. Just not the Love that we have right now. We really know each other and I know that she has my back and I hers. I remember once upon a time I would actually get angry at the idea that I was supposed to look out for her. Anger that came from feeling I had that she never really looked out for me. At least that was the perception I had. We talked and my perception changed. Sure she fucked up sometimes but she was young. Hell, I fucked up. At any rate, I know that I am just about all she got and to be honest, she is really all I have. She's my mom and even tho our situation did not look like some sit-com, in the end it worked for us. I think that I will have to dedicate an entry for us cause maybe some people will get something from it.

a little bit of culture on Friday night

So me and my new friend Julie went to Avenue Q on Friday night and we had a great time. That white chic is cool as shit and I am not just saying this because she will probably be reading this entry(and if you are reading this Julie, don't mind that 'White women think they rule the world' entry. it wasn't about you *smile*)

Anyway, the show was great but even greater was the fact that I was not stuck in the house watching "What Not To Wear" on a Friday night. Julie is the shit! I mean, I really feel good talking to her. We just trip out!

In other news....my job is starting to become a real.....job. I remember once upon a time I would go to work and not do shit except get on OKP. Now I hardly even see OKP on a workday. I am really working! There is so much to do and I feel like there is just not enough time. The work, I don't mind so much but the problem that I am having is that my supervisor is acting like an ass. It is as if she is trying to punish me because she is so behind and I am doing what she should be doing. I don't blame her for being out because she had some serious shit going on at the time but now she is back and she is basically lost and mad at me.

But I won't let her keep me down. I am on a mission now to set myself up for a significant move in a year. Forget Atlanta. It's all about NYC now! If I play this situation right I could play this hand and make all this shit work in my favor.

Chillin at work

Trying to waste some time so I decided that I should probably blog. I really need to get in the habit of doing this more often.

I heard that if you blog a lot it actually improves your other writing. I must say that my experience tells me that this is true. I feel that I have come a long way in my writing and maybe one day I will finally have the nerve to actually write that book.

I cant even finish my short story. Sometimes I will get an incredible idea and i start to flesh it out. Then I start to actually piece it together and a story starts to form. But then somewhere along the way I lose interest. I just burn out on the idea and then it becomes a chore for me to even finish it. I am a habitual "starter but never finisher" I need to do better.

I don't want to talk about anything romantic.

I could talk about self hating Christian Homos......but I think that I will save that for a blog all it's own. I'll just say that a friend of mine has his life caught on a vicious see-saw. He just goes up and down when it comes to his spirituality and his sexuality. It saddens me.

I'm Done.

Just when I got comfortable with the situation, here comes a kink. I wont get into any details here because I don't want to put the other persons business out there like that so I will try to be as vague as possible. Anyway, I should have known it was coming. I should have seen the signs. My friends told me that I was doing to much. They told me that my efforts to save this person would not be rewarded. Seems that the song about Cap'n Save-a-Ho is true. They really don't want to be saved! After the conversation last night....I am left thinking that I never really knew the person. So many issues but so little time. I do believe that it was doomed from the get green.

This dude gonna tell me that he is not head over heels for me and that he thinks that at this point he should be. Hey guy....I am not head over heels for your ass either! There are some fundamental things that i require that you don't have yet. I consider my time with you charity! Ok, that is mean but i am saying. Nobody is supposed to be head over heels in 5months. that's crazy!

But it's all good tho. Shit just frees me up to do what i need to do and that is go to NYC. Yep, i told him that i needed a break but what that really means is that I am done. Now the only thing keeping me from NYC is a job and i plan to start working on that really aggressively.

Back at work

After a great weekend in Atlanta. Every time I go I get reassurance that I need to move there...or move somewhere. Anywhere but here! Nope, I will not make this entry about how I hate it in Greenville. I talk about that way too much so I will just chill on that.

Instead, allow me to reminisce on the little things that made my weekend a lot of fun.
-Finding $5 parking when I was expecting to pay $20.
-Sitting right across the isle from Jilly at the concert.
-Forgetting my deodorant but still having a good ass time in the hot ass club.
-Enjoying an Icee on Auburn with 50million black people around.
-Getting lost on the train but getting a glimpse at 'Soulja Girl'......i think.
-Toquitos and Vanilla/Cherry Pepsi from the QT.
-Eating that shit with someone I really care about.
-2 movies for the price of 1.
-Piedmont Park on a beautiful Sunday.
-Conversations with someone special all the way home.
And that was my weekend. Pretty much. Good Times!

in other news....I am afraid that my mom may be making a financial mistake. but at the same time, I dont know if it is my place to really discourage what she is about to do. I mean, she is a grown woman. She knows what she is doing!
So anybody that knows me knows that I don't ever make any big financial decisions on a whim. I am all about the budget and I encourage all my friends to be about it also. You wanna get a new car, do the numbers and see if what you bring in can handle another expenditure. It is amazing to me how many people don't do this. Living life unconsciously, they just spend without regard to the bigger picture.
Anyway, mom is about to move in this new apartment but I am just concerned if she will be able to handle the monthly for the apt and the money she spends out monthly for her new car. I am real scared for her but then there is a part of me that says she is a grown woman who has lived life longer than me so i assume she knows what she can and cannot handle. The reason i think i worry is because I have already had to move in with her before and take over the bill because she was about to get evicted and I am not willing to go there again. I am about to move!

How My Life Is Going

This morning I had to go to the county tax office to pay my car taxes and as I pulled out of the parking lot of my place of employment, the sun was on my face and I just felt good. Sure my seat is broken and I suspect the people at the ford dealership did it in an attempt to make me pay the $800 they said it would cost them to fix it(suckers!!! I got one at the junk yard for $125!!) and yup, I missed the deadline to pay for an extended warranty on my lap top which means I gotta be extra careful with my baby until I can come up with a plan b, but I feel good. I feel Good today.

First off I feel good because even tho I got to pay for my seat and I had to pay those taxes, it's cool cause my back account is on swoll. I have been aggressively saving for my move and it feels good to have the money to do the things that i need t do. I swar i was tired of living chech to check and even tho I am still not where I want to be, thank G-d I am not where I used to be.

I also feel good because I took THE TEST the other day and I failed. I was scared as a mug because last year i did some dumb stuff and I just knew it was gonna get me. But I am cool and that is great and i swear form now on, i am extra careful.

I feel good because i really feel better about the person that I am becoming. I really dont give a fuck about who knows that I am gay. I finally understand all that jazz that I have been talking for a while about living in the truth. I cant help but wonder if the fact hat I have been absent from church for about a good 5 moths has anything to do with my position? I just feel like all the noise is gone and I can finally hear G-d.

And I am happy that I am on the road to a meaningful relationship. Sure, Shanen has some issues that worry me but who doesn't. I got issues too but maybe we can walk them, out together.

anyway, a brother is happy today. I hope this feeling last for at least the rest of the week.

some things

I really need to finish my short story. I am halfway through but it seems that I have met some sort of block. I just bought that computer thinking that it would motivate me to write more but instead I have been playing around on the dayum internet. I was off this weekend and the plan was to hold up in the house and finally finish this story. Did that happen?......NO! Instead I wasted most of the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing. Saturday night I really did try to do some work but the most I got done was one sentence and some editing. This shit has to be turned in by May 15 and right now I am walking around as if I have nothing to do. I must have this done by the weekend!

So after all this planning and stuff, this dude is talking about he is about to move back to VA, save some money, then move back to ATL. Shit makes absolutely no sense to me and I have told him this. He says that I am being unfair. I told him that if he moves back to VA, he will not be coming back to ATL therefore I will be moving to NYC.

That's right folks, NYC. After much thought and many conversations with friends I have decided that NYC will most likely be my next place of residence. ATL is still the other choice but i would rather do NYC. I know this will make some friends of mine upset but it is what it is. This is not just a move.....this is my life!

Got that new laptop

And I know this will sound a little dramatic but......it has changed my life! I am so serious when I say that. I have moved my life to the living room in my house(because the bedroom is just not conducive to writing) and I have been staying up way late trying to put the finishing touches on my story.

I have discovered in the quiet of my house that most of the stuff that I wrote while i was at work is a little corny. I am having to go back and change so much stuff but it feels good to really be able to put the emotion that i want into the story. It's kinda hard to do t hat when you are tryiing to write and work at the same time. seems like while I was doing that I gave some shit a pass that now looks a little suspect. Thank G-d I can work from home now.

Living with gentrification

yesterday i saw a white woman jogging on a sidewalk in a part of town that she would have been, at the very least, robbed in a few years ago. it was her, her ipod, and her little dog and as i saw her jogging, i kinda resented her. she probably lived in one of the new condos they built right up the street and she obviously has been fooled to believe that just because they cleaned up the street and put a Starbucks on the corner that she was safe to jog on that street. at night! she probably thought she owned a part of that neighborhood but what she didnt know is that the Starbucks on the corner and her condo did not totally displace the neighborhood that was there before she came and that if she turned off the main street onto one of those side streets, she would probably run into somebody that was an original resident.

I don't know....i just resented her yesterday. when I was a kid, people like her avoided that neighborhood if they could and now, with the Starbucks on the corner, she was jogging like it was her neighborhood. I don't like that.