Finances and Love

When one contemplates exploring Love, should finances be considered? I mean, is that even something that should be on the radar? If the caring, the compassion, the connection is there, should one even be worried about the money aspect? And I am not even talking about two people trying to get married or anything like that. I am simply talking about a casual situation.

I like them but their financial situation has me concerned. I don't want to have to be the 'breadwinner' in this situation. But wait tho, I don't want to be taken care of either. I just want equality and I just don't see how that can be when they work a silly job. You know, that's wrong. I should not say his job is silly. I just think that he could be doing better. I would think that he would want to do better.

Maybe I am making too ,much of this. Maybe I am concerned about nothing. I like him. I want to see where this goes. I just don't want to have to pay every time we go out.

Black people are trying to make me like Obama!

And the funny part is, I don't dislike him. I think he is a cool dude. A Great speaker but as far as a presidential candidate, I would rather see John Edwards. Some black people that I know seem to have a problem with this. The problem, it seems to me, is that I am choosing to endorse a white man over a black man. What can I say, I like Edwards better. Now in reality this whole discussion is irrelevant since Edwards is not even a running anymore but when people ask me who I like, I always respond with Edwards. This always gets it started.

So, as I said before, I don't actually dislike Obama. I actually think he's pretty cool but what I don't like is the fact that his black supporters are always trying to play the race card with me. As if I am obligated to support him simply because he is black. They often site how his appointment will mean so much for the back race and how it will magically change everything for us. I don't buy it and here's why:

1) There's no doubt about it, Obama is a black man. He's got the melanin in his skin and if he were walking down a dusty road in 1960's Mississippi, he'd be called 'Nigger' the same as me. I don't dispute this but what I call into question is the idea that because he looks like me(sorta), that he can identify with me....as a black man in America. This is a valid point because if I am supposed to support him because he is a 'Black' then this means he knows, personally, my plight. I don't think he can identify with me. As I said before, he's got the melanin but does he have the experience. His father was an African(not African American) and his mother was white. He was brought up by his rich white grandparents in Hawaii. For all intents and purposes, he did not grow up 'Black'. This is why I think it's funny when people think that I should support him because of his 'Blackness'. No hate toward him but these are the facts. Why not support Edwards over Obama? Neither one can truly identify with me so why base it on 'Blackness'?

2) I feel that the office of president is really just for show and the person that is sitting in that position at any given time has no real power and is actually a puppet for the bigger, unseen powers that be. There is an agenda that is being carried out and the person that is holding the office of president only follows what has already been decided. They make no real decisions on their own and should therefore not be looked to for any significant change for those of us on the lower rungs of the class ladder. I say this to say that in my mind, it really doesn't matter who is sitting in that seat. The plan will continue on course whoever it is.

There are more things that I could mention but for now I will leave it at this. Again, I have no problem at all with Obama. I just feel that his appointment into the office of president will really have no real significance for black folk struggling in America. Real political change should be started from the ground up, not from the top down. At any rate, if he get the nomination of course I am going to vote for him. He's black.

The only thing that keeps me going these days

Is the fact that I know in October I will not be here anymore. I will be leaving this city. I will be leaving this life. Yes, I am a little scared but it is something that I must do. At this point, I am pretty sure that ATL will be my destination but there is a part of me that is still holding on to NYC. the numbers just work better with ATL tho.

And I will be there this weekend. Seems that lately I am having to give myself these mini vacations
just to make it through a month. I think this job is starting to take a toll on me. I really cant see myself doing this for the rest of my life but I really don't know what else I will be doing. This is why I feel like I must move away from Greenville. I have to go explore life before I get stuck.

And I've been thinking lately about what it is that I want to do. Just the other day I was watching 'Sister Act 2' and there is a line that Whoopie says that always gets me. It's the part where she is talking to Rita(Lauryn) and she says 'If when you wake up in the morning and the first thing on your mind is to sing, then you 'sposed to be a singer girl' I remember when I first heard her say that line I immediately thought about my life. I think that I am supposed to sing. Or at least do something in music. This is another reason I think ATL would be the move for me. I already have people that can hook me up with some people that could maybe get me started in the industry. It's not like I am trying to be a star or anything but I know that I could at least get some background singing work. That would be good for me. Singing and writing.

anyway, Raheem Devaughn on Saturday should be cool even though I wanted to see Jilly. Shit was sold out. I will make due.

I;m on thT Latoya Luckett today

I'm Torn.

After my trip to NYC last year, I have had a strong urge to move there. I don't know what it is but it just seems like that city is calling me. I remember that after I left, I just knew that someday I would live there. Now I am at a point in my life where I know I need to move and I could actually move there. I want to move there. But then there is the other side of the issue.

I have been saying that I want to move to ATL since I was in high school. I remember saying that if I didn't make it in college that I would just move. Well, I lasted in college for about 2yrs and when I came back home, I had all the plans to move but instead got side tracked and ended up getting a job and stuff. I got stuck. Again, now I am at a point where I have got to get the hell out of Greenville and ATL is an option.

I am also thinking about the pros and the cons to each decision. NYC would be a great backdrop to any one's life. I mean, it is THE city. I think it would be a great place to pursue my writing career and finish my education. On the other hand, it is a long way from home and a long way from my support system. ATL would be something familiar and comfortable. I also promised my boy that we were gonna move together so I kinda feel obligated to make that move.

I am so Torn as to what I should do and I know this entry is rather raggedy but I am trying to write this and I keep getting interrupted by my job.

They came on thursday

I was a little apprehensive about their stay. Worried that we might bump heads since he was going to stay for 5 whole days. I felt like I didn't really know him. Sure, we've been talking on the phone for about 2 years but we only met less than a month ago. I was excited but cautious.

He came on Thursday and I'd surprised myself at how excited I was to see him when he got off the bus. I played it down tho cause there was no way I was going to let them see that.I brought him to my house and we talked most of the night. I started to realize that this could actually become a friend. This is not something I say often.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same. It really surprised me how much we really had in common. In the beginning I'd actually decided that he was just a pretty face with no real substance. Boy was I wrong. We vibe on a lot of levels plus he sings. Dude actually harmonized with me.......*swoon*

By the time Monday morning arrived it felt as if the time had gone by much too fast. I knew that he would have to go back that afternoon and it made me feel a little sad. It's funny but in just 5 days I had actually gotten used to him being around. I was used to waking up and seeing him. I was used to having somebody to talk to. I was used to having somebody to watch tv with. Used to not being alone.

That night after dropping him off and watching the bus pull away, I went home and the first thing that hit me was how quiet it was. I was actually lonely last night. I never really felt that way before. Maybe I've been feeling this way for a while but just pushing it aside. Last night it was strong and I am wondering when things will go back to normal. I miss him

White Women Think They Run The World

Anybody who knows me will hear me say this often and no I am not being racist because black people can't be racist. I only say it because most of the time when I have a run in with a white woman, they act as if they are entitled to things. In my line of work, I often have to tell people things that they do not want to hear. Things like, "I am sorry but that office is closed" or "I'm sorry but I can't take a message for you." What I have found is that the white woman is the one that will most likely challenge me when I say these things. She will respond to the above statements with, "But I really need to speak to them!" or "So what am I supposed to do now?" It's not so much about what they say tho, it's more of the tone they say it in. It's a tone of entitlement! It's as if they are saying, "Don't you know who I am? I am a white woman!"

Maybe I am taking it a little far but honestly, this is how I feel. It's as if all these white women have a little of that "Mrs. Milly"(color purple) in them. Their tone always makes me react. No I don't curse them out nor am I ever rude but what I do like to do is ensure that they will not get what they think they are entitled to. Sure, I could probably get somebody in that office for you if I really wanted to but why should I? Yup, I probably could take this message for you if I really really felt it was important, but I wont. You, white woman, need to feel the sting of rejection. You need to know what it feels like when things don't go your way. Everything else may go your way but I vow to make sure it won't go as smoothly when you talk to me.

Went to see Cloverfield last night

Pretty good movie I guess. I mean, about 30mins into it I got sick to my stomach. First of all, I got there late so I had to sit in the very front of the theater which I don't like to do. I Usually like to sit more in the center of the theater. It's a perfect spot I think. Anyway, the movie starts and everything is cool but for some reason I start to get a little quezzy. About 30mins into it I start to get violently ill. I can feel my stomach convulsing and I was at a loss as to why this was happening. Immediately I start to think the girl that gave me my popcorn and drink must have had an unclean spirit and passed it on to me....... So I figured that I would try to hold it down and not leave the movie because it was getting pretty good. I decided that maybe it was my glasses in conjunction with the fact that I was so close to the screen that was making me sick so I took them off. That aint help. I closed my eyes and just listened to the movie for about 15mins and kept trying to look at the screen but every time I did, the sickness came back. Finally it got to the point that I was actually heaving in my seat. I think the lady next to me actually got a little scared that I was about to throw up on her....and I almost did. At this point I decide that I have got to go to the bathroom and barely make it there before I let all the contents of my stomach go. I wasted 10.50 on popcorn and a cherry coke. After that I was fine and went back into the theater to enjoy the rest of the movie and even tho I still felt a little sick, I could not throw up because there was nothing else left in my stomach.

Later on that night I finally figured out why I got sick. It was motion sickness! Sometimes when I play Tomb Raider or Halo I get sick like that too. I can only play for about 30mins and then I get really sick. It also happens when I watch camcorder movies and I sit too close to the tv. All that jumpy ass recording in that movie is what made me sick.

*sigh of relief*

It was time once again to get my HIV test and as usual I was nervous like a mug. This time was worse than usual because I had pretty much convinced myself that I had it. Every bump was a swollen lymph node. Every sweat was a fever. Every time I pulled the covers off at night, it was a night sweat. Shit was crazy. All that drama has led me to the decision that I will no longer be having sex on a whim. I will only be participating in the full act with someone that i genuinely respect and want to build something with. From now on it's all about that mutual masturbation. It's the safest thing going these days.

umm....this morning I woke up in like

Like can be deceiving. I mean, it's too early to be love but like will fool you and make you think that you could be headed in that direction. Like is basically the really good feelings that you get when you meet a person and you both are feeling each other and want to work toward something more. The thing about like tho is that it's so superficial. It's based on trivial things such as attractiveness or the fact that you and the other person enjoy the same soft drink. I've noticed lately that many people find themselves in like and confuse it for love. They take that good feeling that comes in the beginning and then jump head first into a relationship. I have been around long enough to understand that precaution must be taken in order not to confuse like for love. One must be patient and wait to see if like will turn to love. Often it does not.

So what's the difference between the two you ask. Well, like is when you think it's cute the way the other person snores a little when they fall asleep on your couch while love is when you been up all night listening to that muthafucker saw logs but you don't complain. Like makes you accentuate all the positive things about the person while choosing to put the bad things you notice in the back of your mind. There is nothing wrong with like tho because one must experience like before one can enter love. There has to be that initial spark in order to push you to the next level so like is cool with me! Being in like is that special time when everything that other person does moves you to sonnet. It's an endearing time where that other person can do no wrong. Alas, like is fleeting and will be gone in no time. Like must then be replaced with something. Hopefully love.

Now love is when you finally, really know the person and all the baggage and bad habits they carry but still choose to build something with them. Love is serious and intense and contrary to popular belief does not happen at first sight. That shit is like. Like comes after the first date and makes an unwise person think it's love.....but it's not. It will make this person want to move in with the other person and start a life but like will never keep it together. Like will not force you to match another episode of a 'Mythbusters' marathon but love would not allow you to do anything but.

And the reason I am writing this today.....because I find myself in like. Excited about the possibility that like will turn to love. Cautious that I am moving to fast. Scared that I have already done too much. Hopeful that this will be it. But still scarred by situations in the past. I want this to work and there is a part of me that wants to rush into it. But I must not for all of the above reasons. As I said before, like is crafty. It disguises itself as love but experience has taught me to be patient and see what happens.

new year's weekend recap

Friday was the day of the Bilal show. I opted to work that morning and get off at 5:30pm so I would have enough time to get off and get some shoes before the show. I was so excited because Bilal is one of the people on my list of people to see perform before I die. Now that I have taken care of him I can move on to Lauryn.
I wasn't exactly looking forward to going to this show all alone but it was Bilal. I wasn't gonna let the fact that all my friends in Greenville are lame and most don't even know who Bilal is stop me from seeing him. I was gonna get to this show come hell or high water.
Venue was nice and I basically just stood around the spot until Bilal showed up. My dude came out at about 11:30pm and was up there pouring his heart out until about 1:30am! He did all the shit I wanted to hear and he ripped 'Sometimes'. I love him even more now. The above pic is from the show. Blurry as hell from my cell phone. I wish I could have asked him what in the hell 'White to Gray' is about.

Went to Atl on Sunday and stayed til Tuesday night. Did some things in ATl but the most significant thing that I did was meet a boy named Shanen.

Shanen is a dude that I have been talking to for for at least 2 years. I was always feeling him but we could never connect on a higher lever than friendship due to location and relationships. Well this year we both became available and started working toward something. We finally met(after a few failed attempts) and shit was lovely. I am really excited about the possibility of things to come.

Listening to Beyonce' Green Light....

I am about to be 30 years old. Next year on September 22nd I will have been on this earth for 30 years! I think that shit is pretty deep. It's deep to me. I mean, when I was young I would imagine that by this time in my life I would be well on my way into something. I would be in a steady career, have a significant other and have a general idea of where the rest of my life would be going. The reality is that I am 29 and I work at a hospital call center. I am a fat gay man. I am not in a relationship right now and have none on the horizon. I have no real friends in this city that I live in and I think that I am just generally tired of this life that I am living.

No I dont want to kill myself.

I just need something more. I think that moving to Atlanta will be a good move for me and that is why I am planning to do so next year.

I think I need to amend that friend thing. I do have friends that live here. I just dont relaly like them much. Wait, that may be a little harsh. I think that what I mean is that I just dont really think that I have a lot in common with them. Maybe it's me.

I really want to write. I think. Actually, I have no clue what I want to do with my life but I think that I need to figure it out soon because I am not getting any younger. I think that I could write. Maybe. I think that my main problem is that I need to be a bit more disciplined. I could write here more often but i never really stay on task with it. I think that if I want to be serious about it, i will need to be more serious about it.

This is a nothing entry. I just felt that I needed to put some shit down. any writing is better than no writing.

so...what is going on with me

Not much.

New Years is fast approaching(notice I skipped right past Christmas) and I plan to be in Atlanta. Just like last year.

It's been a year sonce J died and I am still coping.

I need to really write here more often. Reading over some of my other stuff....I often have to remember that I wrote it. Some of my shit is pretty good. Augusten Burroughs is my inspiration.

I am going to make a declaration that I will write here at least 1nce a week. It really does make me better.

Wassup Jamaco.

It's been a whole year since you have been gone and I am still trying to get used to it. Time goes by so fast and it's hard to believe that it's been that long since we last spoke. Everyday it seems like I do something and want to share it with you but I know I cant. In the beginning I would wish that I could but now I realize that this was selfish. I mean, why would I want to take you away from paradise just so I could have my homey back.

I am still on the outs with your baby moms. You said that bitch was crazy and now I see it. We haven't seen your seed since the funeral man. You know he still hasn't gotten any of the Christmas stuff from last year! I mean, I think we all have tried to do our part to honor your memory and when he gets a little older, hopefully he will be able to interact with us more.

I'm still fucking with BJ man. Now that you are gone I realize that you were the glue that kept us together. We still try to keep in touch tho just like you are still here. He got his thing going on in ATL and every time I go visit, I imagine that you are in the passenger side sleep. Just the way we used to do it.

Trying to stay in touch with your Grandma man but I must confess, it's hard. I always want to breakdown after we talk so I don't talk to her much. I know that would probably make you mad man so I am going to do better. As a matter of fact, I think I will call her today.

I really just want to say thank you man. Thank you for being my friend. My brother. Thank you for not tripping when I told you I was gay. Thank you for still calling me a fag but not with the hateful overtones. Thank you for picking me up when my car was fucked up. Thanks for going to breakfast with me when i should have been at work. Thanks for sharing Kast and Bilal with me. just than you.

Till we see each other again. peace.

short story attempt

I have been trying to write this story for quite a while. Let me know what yall think.

The morning started off like any other for Thomas Cullpepper. He arose at 6:30am, laid out his clothes for work, showered, and watched the 'Today Show' while eating 'Honey Bunches of Oats'. This was his daily drill and hadn't changed much in the past seven years. The predictability of his life, the way he orchestrated it, usually brought great comfort but for some reason this morning he found himself bored with it. As Thomas sat on his bed, only half listening to Al Roker, his mind drifted. What would happen if the routine that he loved and worked so hard to maintain were thrown off track. How would he handle it? Could he even deal? Suddenly A loud used car salesman interrupted his thoughts with talk of 'no money down' and brought him back to reality. His reality. The one he diligently labored to create and those fleeting thoughts of changing it were quickly tossed away.

By 7:55am, Thomas was pulling into his parking space at Hinderman & Associates ready to start another day. He'd started working for Mr. Hinderman right out of college and had been there for about 7 years. Thomas had applied for a prestigious position in the company but was offered a job in the mail room. Of course he thought that job was beneath him but took it anyway because he knew this the company was on the verge of being the biggest public relations firm in the southeast. It would do him well to get in anywhere he could even if it was only the mail room. He also knew that with his drive, winning personality, and killer smile, it would only be a matter of time before he was recognized and moved to a position more fitting his talent. And a few years after he started, that's exactly what happened. He eventually worked his way up to a department manager and the office buzz had him next in line for assistant regional director.

'Morning Mrs. Lindler!', Thomas said as he passed the front desk
'Morning to you Tommy'
Thomas always made it a point to merrily greet everyone he came in contact with in the mornings. He would flash that smile and call them by name, all in an effort to make them believe that he was more than their co-worker but also a friend. This couldn't be further from the truth. It was just one of many tools that he used to manipulate. Thomas knew that they all loved him and why wouldn't they? His morning ritual would keep him in everyone's good graces even though he really could not stand most of them. Even Mrs. Lindler.

As Thomas stepped off the elevator and rounded the corner to his office, he ran into Sheila Dunder.
'On time as usual', she said walking toward him.
'That's the only way to stay on top’, he said with a wink.
Sheila was a statuesque, take charge woman who, just like Thomas, had dreams of climbing the ladder at Hinderman & Asso. She was essentially Thomas' only competition and also rumored to be in line for the assistant regional director position. They both started working there at the same time and in the beginning, there was a lot of tension between the two of them. With two head-strong young kids who both had an eye on the prize, there was bound to be some clash but Thomas decided early on that he would take control of the situation. He would lure her into camaraderie instead of competition and as far as he could tell, he had been successful. Like all the others in the office, he really didn't like her much either and behind the smiles she always saw on his face was basic distaste of her. While he basically dismissed her, he was sure she thought of him as a friend.
'Don't forget that report is due this morning. We don't want to disappoint Hinderman.'
'That report was done yesterday Ms. Dunder.' ,Thomas said with playful banter. 'And this is the reason I will soon be getting that promotion and not you'
'Sure you are', Sheila said as she was walked past Thomas. 'But I wonder how that will happen when you are getting fired today.'
'What?!', asked Thomas as he turned around to face Sheila. He saw her rounding the corner to her office when he shouted again,'Sheila, what did you say ?'
'I said sure you are', she repeated from around the corner.

'Of course that's not what she said.' Thomas thought as he sat at his desk. 'Why would I be getting fired. Hinderman loves me. I'm like his son. He said so!'
Thomas decided that he would just dismiss the whole thing as his imagination and get busy on the final touches of his report. As soon as he pulled up the file on his computer he was interrupted by the dull beep of his phone. It was exactly 8:03am.

'Hinderman and associates this is Thomas Cullpepper speaking' ,he said pretending he didn't know who was on the line.
'Hi baby', came a sweet sounding voice from the other end. It was his girlfriend Monica. He knew this because she called him at the same time everyday. Just the way he liked it.
'Hi babe.' he said. 'Can't stay on the phone long. Got a big meeting to get ready for.'
'I know I know. Just wanted to call.....as I do every morning.'
4 years after Thomas started working for Hinderman & Associates he decided that it was time to focus on a relationship. He'd worked so hard to move up in the company and figured that his next move should be in the area of his love life. Add one more element to the image that he was building. That's when he met Monica.
'Well, I am actually glad you called.' ,he said. 'You were a little loud this morning when you were leaving.
'Loud? Babe, I know how you feel about that so as usual, I was as quiet as a church mouse on my way to work this morning.'
In the beginning Thomas thought that Monica was a bit rough around the edges and was not sure if she would ever be able to fit the image that he had in mind. It was never about love for him. It was all about the image. She was pretty enough and she did have a lot going for her so Thomas was sure that with his help he could turn her into something good enough to hold his arm at office functions and dinner parties. Of course, just like with everyone else, he would have to manipulate and make her believe that he really cared for her and all the suggestions that he made about her look, her car, and even the way she dressed were because he wanted the best for her. For them. Three years after their 'relationship' started, Thomas was proud of the person he had helped her become.
'Well, all I know is that you woke me up.', he insisted. 'And who is Antonia?'
'Oh. Umm, she’s a new client of mine' she explained. ‘and I did take a call from her but I wasn’t loud.’
'All I kept hearing this morning was 'Antonia' this and 'Antonia' that. You know how I need my sleep babe.'
There was a pause then Monica said, 'Look honey, I know you're busy so I’ll just see you at lunch today. We're still on right because I want to talk to you about something.'
'Of course. Talk to you later.'

So caught up in work that day, Thomas barely noticed that hours had passed and it was now 11:45am. He decided to wrap up what he was working on and get ready for his lunch with Monica. Although the work had taken his mind off of the hours, it had not taken his mind from what he thought he heard from Sheila that morning. He could not shake it so Thomas decided that he would make his way to the water cooler and see what the gossip was that day.

When he stepped out of his office he could see Jamie Thomas and Constance Jones standing at the cooler talking. Their backs were to him so Thomas could not quite make out what they were saying but assumed that it must have been good judging by the whispers and hand gestures. As he got closer, he thought he heard them say something about someone getting fired and this made him quicken his pace just in case their conversation was a continuation of what he'd told himself Sheila didn't say that morning.

'Hi Guys' ,said Thomas as he came up behind them. 'What's the word around the office today?" He felt a shift in the atmosphere as he came into the conversation and this worried him.
'Everything is just as it always is Thomas.' said Constance with a nervous smile. It was no secret that she was attracted to him and Constance was not very good at hiding it. He, of course would never entertain the idea of having anything to do with her. He hated her perfume. He did however, often use her to find out information.
'Well, I was just wondering what the buzz was around the office.' Thomas said looking into her eyes. 'I thought I heard someone talking about someone getting fired today.'
'Well actually..' Jamie started but was interrupted by Constance.
'Actually we were just going back to work!' she said pulling Jamie from the water cooler.
'Wait', Thomas said to Constance reaching out to hold her arm. His sudden gesture startled Constance and she dropped her water bottle on the floor. As she bent down to pick it up, Thomas thought he heard, 'Poor thing, he really doesn't know.'
'Doesn't know what?' said Thomas.
'What?' Constance said looking up at him with bewilderment. 'I didn't say anything.'
'I thought you said...' Thomas said trailing off. 'Never mind' he said as he made his way to the elevator. Seemed that he was still hearing things.

On his way to the restaurant to meet Monica Thomas' head was filled with confusion. 'What is going on in the office today', he thought. Not only was he now consumed with the idea of being fired, twice that day he's heard people say things that they said they didn't say. Was there a big joke being played on him? Thomas was deeply entrenched in his thoughts that he almost missed the turn for the restaurant.

Walking into the swanky cafe, Thomas saw Monica sitting in their usual spot talking on her cell. He noticed that she was still wearing her gym clothes but today he would not make it an issue. He had more important things to worry about.

'Hi baby.' ,he said as he walked up behind her chair. He kissed her cheek. He noticed that she had already ordered his Perrier with lime, just the way he liked it.
Monica quickly said her goodbyes to the person on the other end of the phone and replied, 'Hi Thomas.'
'Babe, you will never believe the day I've been having.' ,he said as he sat down.
'Oh really?' ,Monica said taking a sip of her water. At that very moment Thomas noticed something strange. Just beneath what he was sure he saw her say, Thomas could hear more. 'Great, he's had a bad day and now I’m about to spring this on him.'
Puzzled, Thomas asked, 'I'm sorry, what did you say?'
'I said 'Oh really'....why?'
'Oh...I just thought' he said trailing off. Not wanting to appear crazy, he decided that he would say nothing to her about what was going on and instead changed the subject. 'Anyway, how was work today with Antonia?'
'Antonia.....Well honey, I want to talk to you about that.' ,she said. Again, he saw her mouth these words but at the same time he heard 'I've been waiting for a girl like Antonia all my life'. This time he could not ignore it. He was definitely hearing things that her mouth was not saying. Was he reading her thoughts? If so, what was this leading up to? Thomas decided to just play it cool and see where the conversation would lead.
'Ok, let's talk' he said.
'Thomas, I want to get your thoughts on something. See honey, Antonia is not only someone who comes to the gym, she is also a special friend', is what she said but he also heard, 'She's the best lover I ever had.'
Shocked, Thomas took a sip of water hoping that it would hide his surprise. Monica continued.
'and I've been playing with this idea in my head for a while but now I feel comfortable enough to bring it to you and see what you think' is what she said but he also heard 'I'm sure he won't mind her joining us in the bedroom' This statement almost made Thomas choke on the Perrier.
'See baby, my friend Antonia asked me something and I told her that I could not give her an answer until I talked to you.' is what she said but he also heard 'Shit, after that panty thing he wanted to do, he better not object to this'
'I think that what she has in mind will help me and you' is what she said but he also heard 'It'll help me cause at least she can make me Climax.'
At this point Thomas could take it no longer. 'Just say what you have to say Monica' Thomas said. It came out a little louder than he intended and he noticed that tables around them started to stare. He was loosing his composure.
'Ok ok' said Monica. 'Antonia would like for us to…' She paused. ‘Join her swingers party.’ Was how the sentence was finished without her even moving her lips.
Thomas immediately pushed back from the table and stared at Monica in disbelief.
‘I can’t believe you’ he said.
‘Honey, I haven’t even finished what I was saying’
‘I’ve heard enough’ said Thomas.
Monica noticed the flushed look on his face as Thomas got up from the table.
'Baby....are you ok?' she asked but he also heard as he walked toward the restaurant door 'Damn....I'm glad I didn't tell him she was a dwarf and into watersports'

Back in the comfort of his car Thomas took a moment to try to figure out what was going on. After the scene in the restaurant he was staring to believe that he could actually hear peoples thoughts. His rational mind told him that was crazy but how else could he explain the things that had happened that day? As he drove back to his office he found that the low hum of the engine that would normally reassure him that all is well in the world just didn't have that effect. 'I just need to get back to my office where things are normal. Things are the way I engineer them!' Thomas thought as he pulled back into his parking space at Hinderman & Associates.

As Thomas passed Mrs. Lindler's desk he faintly heard her ask him something about lunch but was much too focused on the problem at hand to entertain her simple conversation. He ignored her racing past her desk to the stairs thinking that waiting on the elevator would take too long. He ran up all three flights so when he arrived at his floor he knew he looked a little flustered. His plan was to make it to his office as fast as he could and draw as little attention to himself as possible. He could never let them see him in such a way. Before he opened the door from the stairwell, Thomas made sure that he was presentable. He wiped the perspiration from his brow and tucked his shirt back in so that no one would see on the outside the turmoil he was going through on the inside.

Finally walking into his office, he closed the door behind him to have a little privacy while he figured out his next move. After sitting down and reviewing all the events that taken place that day, he was convinced that he could, indeed, hear thoughts. This ultimately led Thomas back to what he heard Shelia say, or think that morning. He had to find out if he was really on the verge of getting fired. Thomas figured that the only way he could know for sure was to do some investigating. Thomas looked at the clock on his desk and saw the time was 1:30 pm. The presentation wasn't due to start until 2:30pm so he had some time to play around. He would need to talk with someone familiar.

Constance was sitting in her cubicle, eating a cheese sandwich when Thomas walked up.
'What's up Connie' he said trying to sound friendly despite his current condition.
'Hi Thomas' Connie said putting away her lunch.
'No need to do that' said Thomas touching her hand 'I just wanted to stop by and talk for a min. You know, we never get a chance to do that anymore'
Constance, a timid, mousy woman, who also started off in the mail room with Thomas.
'So how are things?' he asked.
'Everything is fine' she replied unable to look him in the eye. 'and the reason we don't talk as much is because you're the rising star of the company and there is no time for us small people. I guess we just have to make an appointment for small talk with you.'
They both laughed. Thomas decided to get right into it.
'So let me just get right to the point Constance' said Thomas. 'Ive been dealing with something all morning and I was hoping that you could help me out with it. Every since we talked, something has been on my mind.' He was interrupted.
'I am so glad I wore that thong today. He must have noticed at the water cooler’
This made him pause for a minute.
'Please continue' Constance said.
'Yes, like I was saying, since talking to you this morning I've had some things on my mind'
’I knew that if I was patient and waited, one day he would finally come crawling to me' is what he heard. She sat facing him with the beginnings of a smile on her face. Hearing this, he wondered if he should even continue the conversation.
He rushed to ask, ‘I just wanted to know if you had any information about anybody getting fired?’
Constance looked at Thomas for a few seconds then looked around the office. She leaned in toward him then said in a whisper, ‘Well Thomas, I didn’t want to say anything this morning because as you know, I am not the type to get into office gossip’
He was finally going to get some answers.
‘I really don’t even feel comfortable discussing it but since it’s you, I’ll make an exception’ It looked as though all that flirting he had done was about to pay off.
She leaned in closer. ‘And I feel really horrible that you are the last to find out about this’
Thomas was starting to get anxious.
‘but the whole office is saying that today, after the meeting, they are going to let..’
‘Thomas, what are you doing?’ said Sheila walking down the hall. Just as Constance was getting to what he had been dying to hear, Sheila interrupted them.
Irritated he replied ‘Just trying to have a conversation with Constance.’
‘Well there’s no time for that! The meeting is about to start.’
Thomas looked down at his watch. The time was only 2pm.
'It was moved up.' ,Sheila answerd before he even had time to ask. ‘Word is Mr. Hinderman has a big announcement.’ She said with a smile.
‘Well Thomas, you better get going’ said Constance as she turned her chair back around to her desk. He had been so close to finding out if it were true but now the window was closed.

That nigg went to jail

Thursday morning my mom calls me crying talking about "They took him away!" She calmed down after a few mins and finally told me that her husband had been taken away from their apartment in handcuffs for all the neighbors to see. Turns out that this guy has been robbing stores and shit. The Fuck!??

It all started about 3 weeks ago when he lost his job. We still are not totally sure how he lost it but what we do know is that he was fired. A few days after he lost the job is when he came up missing and when my mom called me to help look for him. After all that drama and he came home after his crack binge, my mom finally told me how this was not the first time that he had done this. They were trying to keep it under wraps but seems that he was out of control. Of course after he came back that time he promised to do better and even went out to look for jobs. About a week after that incident, he started hanging out again and getting into things that we had no idea about. All that leading up to thursday.

On thursday morning my mom was supposed to take him to get a haircut. She says that he tried to talk her into letting him go alone but at this point, she aint trust his ass to walk to the dumpster. As they were getting ready there was a knock at the door and guess who it was. The police! Came in the house and proceeded to tell the story of how homeboy robbed 2 stores. All this time, this nigg been robbing and shit and we had no idea. It's like, you never really know people. On a positive note tho, the people he robbed said that he was very friendly......

So now dude is in the detention center talking bout he want to get bailed out. I told my mom that she is gonna do what she wants to do but if it were me, i would let his ass lay up in there. I mean, he is gonna have to go to trail so why waste money getting him out when he will probably end up going back anyway. Plus, he may luck up on some kind of treatment and if he stays in, they may give him time served when the trial comes up. I hope she does the smart thing and let him stay in there.

But what of my mother? That is the question that is in my head now. I mean, the only reason that I moved out of the house was because she got married and i wanted them to have their little situation. Now that he is locked up, her income is short again. She says she will try to get a part time job and I hope that works out. Moving back in with her is not really an option right now and I don't know if I am too keen on her moving in with me. She grown! She needs to work that shit out.

So I did it again....

I am so dumb. Why did i think that I could even be friends with them. So selfish they are! What's funny is that I always knew this but chose to look over it. Why do we do that? I guess I thought that I could change them.....or maybe I thought that this was what I deserved. I think that I was probably just drawn to them because of their attractiveness so I decided that I would look past all the rest of the things that were wrong with them. Hell, weren't they accepting me, with my fat ass? I guess that's what it really boils down too. People will put up with a lot of shit because bottom line is, they don't think they deserve any better. That was me. But no more. I think i would rather be alone.

Ok, now that that is over let's focus on NYC. I think that I need this. I will treat this trip as if it is the first step in the real journey that is my life. Every since Jamaco passed I just been in a real funk. I hope that this helps me get out of it.

Why is my mom's new husband a crackhead? She asked me to come talk to him today....the fuck I sposed to say to him. That is their life, right? He is a grown ass man who knows what he is doing. What could i possibly say to him that would change him. I don't think that I will get involved with that unless I have to.
but here's the deal tho: I knew from the very beginning that something just didnt sit right with me. I mean, something about him just registered funny with me. I knew he had done drugs in his past but he and my mom assured me that that was a thing of his past. They even decided to cut his rehab short to get married cause he was over that stuff. Ha! Crack is a helluva drug. As i was saying tho, he just came off as phony to me. I couldn't quite place my finger on it but i knew that there was more to him than he was letting on. Now i see that the problem was that he still did have a substance abuce problem and he was too arrogant to seek any help. We shall see what comes of this.

I really can't grow a beard

cause this hair on my face is getting on my nerves.

What in the hell am I doing. Falling back into a situation with Trap. I think that nik-name suits him. I did some dirt, he did some dirt so both of us were foul. I think that it would not be unusual for us to start this thing again. Maybe I am just doing it out of convenience tho because it is hard out there. But then I think about the fact that we invested a lot of time in that thing. Don't want to just throw it away. At any rate I am just going with the flow but I have decided that I will not make any commitments. I will play for as long as he allows without making anything concrete.

So a nigg is finally feeling like he is at home. It took a min cause at first i felt real uncomfortable in the new place. I mean, i grew up here but that was a long time ago. It's different without the signs of my great grandmother there. Everything was blank when I moved in and it was alomost as if it wasn't her house. Things are feeling comfortable now tho and lately I have been contemplating if I want to try to buy it. This sounds great but I am not even sure if i want to stay in SC. I really want to move away from here soon but my problem with that is that I am way too comfortable here.

a few things that have taken place since we last spoke

let's just rehash.

- Went to ATL again for a little river tubing and that was a trip. First of all my fat ass should have just passed on this adventure. I lost my digital camera, my debit card, and the use of my right foot for about 6wks. All in all it was fun tho and as always the ATL folks were cool as shit.

- Talking to Trap once again although I am not sure in what capacity. We did a little something.....but that does not mean that things are back to normal. I think that what I am going to try to do with this ride it out to see how far it goes without making any kind of commitment.

-I have not been to the gym in forever and now that my leg is fucked up, i am just not interested in going. Once again I am on this kick about not going into my 30's as a fat boy so I think that I need to get on the move. Why in the hell is it so hard to loose weight and so easy to gain it. Life is so unfair at times.

-Back to ATL, Went all the way down there with the intentions of seeing Shannen and it didn't even happen. I was going to go see him when we got back from tubing but as I stated earlier, I messed up my ankle and was forced to go right back to Greenville. I knew that I was in no shape to see him so I just went on home. He talked to me the entire way back tho and that is a good thing because I was sleepy as hell. Things always happen for a reason so I have to believe that it was in the plans that I did not get to see him. Hopefully next time.

-I bought my ticket yesterday for NYC. 9/18-24! I am soooo excited and I hope that the trip will be outstanding. I am excited cause this country aint been that far up nawth before.

So much has taken place since the last time I wrote

For one, I have finally moved into the house (pics coming soon) and things are pretty cool. Things are really coming together with it and right now, the only downside is the fact that I have no cable. I realize my dependence on this trivial thing now. While living with my mom, the tv was constantly on if for nothing more than a backdrop to other things that I was doing. Since i have moved into the house and there is no cable, the tv is rarely on and I am forced to find other ways to entertain myself. I feel a little isolated from the world without the cable. Like there is shot going on and I know nothing about it. At any rate, i am in the process now of getting someone to come out and hook it up....if you know what I mean.

Why do we allow ourselves to get jealous over past lovers. I say "we" but this could be a problem that is exclusively mine. This comes up because the other day T told me that they were entertaining someone new and they even showed me a pic. I got real...weird. I mean, I don't want him. I don't! but at the same time I don't want him to be with anyone else either. I know I can't have it both ways but this is what I am dealing with now. I am trying to work through it by actually encouraging T to go out with ole boy. We shall see how it turns out.

the weekend was cool

I had a great time playing kickball....well, not playing kickball with all the people. It was a great time.

But as usual, when I left Atlanta i found myself wanting to move. Yeah, i know that everything that glitters aint gold but I really would like to try it. When I was a senior in high school, everybody who knew me knew that I was trying to live there. I remember making the declaration that if i didn't go to school, was moving to Atlanta. Well, I did go to school so my dreams of atl were deferred. When I was later asked to leave SCSU, the dream was on again and this time I even had a partner in crime. My boy D and I were working hard to make that thing happen but then another monkey wrench was thrown into the plan. My car broke down and all the money that I had saved($2000) for the move was put into the car. After that, I started to wonder if it was even in the cards for me to move and basically put it on the back burner.

Now I have a renewed interest to go. I've been playing around with the idea and here are some things that I have come up with:
-if i get fired from this gig, i am leaving
-i want to at least get my associates degree before i move. i can finish down there.
maybe it'll happen....