day 3 and the start of day 4.

I was off yesterday so I was really looking forward to some rest and I got that. The day was pretty regular even though I was a little apprehensive about it. I mean, people are always talking about how day 3 is the hardest. So far, this time, it's been day one. After that, everything else has been smooth.

I am really doing something really stupid as far as school goes right now but at this point I am too far to go back. It's so dumb that I don't even want to have record of it on this blog. I keep trying to not think about it because if I don't think about it, it really didn't happen. I am being really stupid right now.

Spiritual talk:
So last night, I woke up at about 12am and I could not go back to sleep. Usually when this happens I assume that God would like to speak with me so I pray. It's so sad but I don't really pray on a regular. It's something that I want to get more into but at this point I am real slack. Anyway, I had an epiphany last night: Jesus is my purpose.
So what that means to me is that the only reason that I am on this earth is to show his love. To show how he loves me. To show that if he can love me surely he can love you. All the things that I have been through in my life were designed so that I could proclaim his love(deep ain't it). I am because he is.

Today is cool so far. Not hungry in the least but I do miss eating. Only because I realize that eating is not just something that we do to sustain our lives, it is also a social activity. At least it is that way in America. Maybe that is the reason all of us are so fat. yesterday I saw on the news where they want to pass legislation that will dictate what kids can have for lunch at school because they are so fat. I really think that:
#1 it is not really the governments responsibility to regulate what kids can and cannot eat. What about the parents? I mean, you curb them at school but what about when they go home?
#2 the parents are the ones who need to be educated. If they are taught to make healthy choices then the kids would.
All this government involvement is really a waste of time to me. the committee that they put together to research this could have been researching a way to end homelessness and poverty in America.

Day Number 3

And things are going well.
kinda tired right now so I will do details about today, tomorrow.

yesterday was the worst

I started off with a irritation in my throat so I thought that I was coming down with something. By the end of my work day, all I wanted to do was go home and lie down. I did that, I started getting chills and I was thinking that I was getting the flu. Again, some would say that it was just my body reacting to the shock of the fast. All those toxins fighting this healthy choice.

At about 10pm last night I decided to do the lax tea. My stomach was a bit funny but I knew I had to do it. I also had a little bit of the lemon aid left so I was gonna down that too. I also bought a Brita pitcher yesterday so I wanted to see what the water tasted like. I proceeded to down the rest of the lemon aid. Then I downed the tea. Then I downed the water. I down for a minute, then I stood up. I could feel my stomach reacting. I was thinking that I was gonna throw up but I tried to stop it. I was unsuccessful. Projectile vomit all over my room. The good thing about it tho was that it was only water. Not too hard to clean up. Funny thing about it tho is that after I did that, I felt 100% better.

Woke up this morning at about 6:30 and I was a little angry because I know that I need at least an hour for the salt water cleanse. Since I usually leave the house around 7:30, I was scared that I would not have enough time. Everything worked out. It's like peeing through your but.

This morning I read a psalm and it was talking about a unicorn. The bible is crazy.

As I type this, I feel terrible

First off, all those apples I ate yesterday in preparation for today did a number on my stomach. This morning as I was making the lemon aid, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen and had to run to the bathroom. The contents rushed out of my bowels as soon as I was over the seat. I hardly had enough time to sit down. I forgot apples/apple juice make me go.....I had 7 of 'em.

Right now I feel yucky. I just feel "blah". My stomach keeps doing these rolls and I have a slight irritation in my throat. You know that feeling you get right before you get a sore throat? That's what I feel right now. I am wondering if maybe I should have waited before the fast.

Now, some people would say that the reason that I am feeling so bad is because my body is so toxic. I have a nagging, dull pain in my chest right now and all I want to do is go to sleep. This is just the first day! So, as I was saying, many people believe that the worse a person feels during detox, the worse shape they were in. All this bad shit is struggling as it leaves my body. I guess the good thing is that it is going. Usually the first couple of days are hard but I am feeling in a way today. There is also pain in my back. This is the first day!

detox

Today is the first day of the master cleanse detox. I have done this already a few times but I plan to make this my most successful. I don't really have a set number of days that I will do it. I think that I will just keep going until I just can't go anymore. I already feel my body working against me. This morning I woke up and had to immediately run to the bathroom cause I had the squirts something terrible. I guess that it could have something to do with the fact that I ate 7 apples yesterday as a way to prepare myself for this fast.

What do I want from this.......that is a very good question. I guess first and foremost I want to just detox so that I can get a fresh start with the diet and exercise routine. I been killing myself lately with my horrible eating habits and I just need a start over. And since I believe that all fast have, or can have a spiritual element, I also want to take advantage of that. There are just a few things that me and God need to get on and understand.

I plan to dramatically limit tv and phone convo. I find that most of the time those two things will take me off my game when I am trying to fast. Hoping that I get a lot of writing done and I plan to write here at least once a day. I want to write letters too.
Marcus
Clarence
we'll see what happens.

I think that I started this one off sloppy but I am not gonna let that make me change my mind. If I can just make it to the 3rd day, I will be cool . 1,2, and 3 are the hardest for me but after that, I am cool.

Darien Brockington....is that your real name?

I meant to ask him that when I met him on saturday night. I was a little buzzed so i couldn't remember everything I wanted to say to him. I don't know why but I remember his hands being so soft. I don't understand why that stands out so much to me.

It's sometimes such a pleasure to meet OKP's. Sometimes they really are the same online, on the phone and, in person. Sometimes it makes me think that I am really glad that I keep going on that site because I keep meeting cool people. Sometimes.

And while I am on it, how in the hell do you approach someone that you have seen online? I mean, yall aint cool or anything but chatted up a few times on a message board and you have seen their pic online. Can you approach without looking like a stalker. I don't think so and this is why I did not approach any on saturday. I saw so many people that I knew from OKP but I am not the one to look like an herb. As I write this i am recalling that I did wave at one of these internet people that I don't really know and I bet he was on some, "who the hell is that".........i feel so dumb right now as I think about it. The hell I wave for?

Watching Darien on stage got me thinking about doing that. Second time this week that I have had these thoughts. It's funny cause I actually have 2 life paths running in my head at the same time. On one path I am finishing up school, teaching for a few years and finally becoming a writter or something. On the other I am pursuing a career in music and making it as a singer and then a songwriter. I can see both of these for myself and at this point I am working at both. I sometimes feel like I am cheating on them.

I did that thing today, that I said I wouldn't

I have yet another new trainee and as always, I am all up in her business. Whenever I get one and they are black, I just somehow end up in their affairs. It's not a bad thing cause I love to try out my pseudo-psychology but what I always find is that the other party always wants a trade off. If they tell me what is going on in their life, they feel that I should also be telling about mine. Of course we all know that shit is not that simple. I got to work here!!

Anyway, the new chick is having problem in her relationship so you know that I was ready to give advice. I gave her some jewels (if i do say so myself) but after I did, she wanted to know my credentials. She wanted to know about my relationship experience.......so I told her my story, being ever so careful to use "they" and "them" as opposed to "he" and "him". That was going well but today I did the shit that I said I would never do........I used "she" for "he"

OK, so some might say that this is no big deal but it is to me. I tell folks all the time how I refuse to let people put me in boxes that make them comfortable while suffocating me so to use the pronoun "she" makes me look hypocritical. After I told my mom about the real me, I was determined that I would always be authentic. No more lies for me. For the most part I have done this....but then again, it's not really hard when people don't ask you.

So why did I do it? I could say that it was to make her comfortable because I could sense that she had already put me in the "straight" box. I didn't want to shatter her world. I think the truth is that no matter how much I say I don't want to be in boxes, sometimes the boxes are comfortable. It's so effortless to allow people to think that I am straight and really, it's just as easy to go that extra step. No explanation about how I can be gay and call myself a christian. No answering dumb questions like, "How can you do that?" Sometimes it's just easier to be put in the box. Although, if you think about it, by me saying "she" instead of "he", it's like I took the box from her and just climbed in.

I said that I wanted to be comfortable with me no matter how others felt but the truth is, how others feel is still important to me. I feel like I would have no problems saying "yes" if someone were to point blank ask me if I am gay but to have to say it voluntarily, that is a whole other creature.

since my mom is married now

it is time to leave the nest. Dude is cool and all but that place aint big enough for the both of us.

ewwww @ i heard them fucking last night......dude's stroke is mad fast

anyway, I'm trying to get out of there asap. I was hoping that I could be gone by this weekend but since there is no gas turned on in the new place and the water won't be on until Monday, I am stuck. My mom really does not want me to leave but I think that it would be best for me to leave now, on a good note. When my boy D's mom got married, that shit turned ugly. He was living with them and they were making him pay rent and his mom and the new daddy ended up taking my boy to court. Shit was ugly and I am gonna do everything in my power to not end up that way.

And like I said before, dude is cool. I really don't have any qualms about him. As far as I can tell he is a cool dude. I will just have to wait and see.

Just a few things

1) I have been talking to them lately and as I said before, I feel myself slipping. I see it and yet, I do nothing. Good talk last night and I think we got to the bottom of a few more things but I still can't help but feel as though he may only be telling me what he thinks i need to hear. I told him that I still love him last night and right after I said it, I knew I would regret it today. I write this, regretting.

2) I had a weird dream last night that was full of so much. I saw my little cousin in it. He is actually not very little now and is in jail. I was on some steps and he was above me and I looked across the street and saw his mom. She had on a McDonald's uniform and was waving at us. I looked back at him and he was crying. I wanted to hug him but I couldn't. I didn't want to show my emotions like that because even in the dream, I felt it was "unmasculine". Right as I was thinking this, he actually curled up into my arms like a little baby and we just sat there. After that dream, I am thinking I should reach out to him. I still fear rejection and I really don't know what I can say to him but maybe the knowing that there is someone out here rooting for him will be enough.

3) I have been debating and I think that I have finally decided to go to some sort of vocal training. I have been having this problem of becoming hoarse after singing lately so I figure I must be doing something wrong. Even Though it cost 60 dollars an hour for the training, I think it is worth it.

I wonder if I am making a mistake....

I have allowed him access back into my life. I had control when I would not accept calls or return text but we started talking again. Right now I say that we will never be any more than just friends but the truth is I really don't know. I feel myself falling back into a familiar routine with him and it kind of makes me mad. He does not deserve it! Why do I keep giving it to him?

In other news, Donnie on Friday! I am so excited about seeing him perform and I will be going with my man Sean. Sean is col people and was actually right there for me throughout the whole Travis ordeal. Nothing romantic....at least on my end.

I really feel like I am in a soap opera

Tuesday I get a text informing me that he realizes that he made a mistake and that me misses me. He misses me? This whole thing is surreal. I talked to him yesterday and got down to the bottom of some things that had been on my mind. Yes they had been talking before we were officially done. Yes they other guy did make him think I was cheating. Yes they are now living together but he says he is miserable. According to him it's only a business arrangement.

So what am I supposed to do with this info. I am torn. The truth is I do miss ole boy but at the same time I really feel like he does not deserve even my friendship. Me talking on the phone with him is probably giving him too much. He says he misses me and one part of me is happy about that. I mean, he threw this away not me so why should I let it be so easy for him to turn around.

I told him that I think he needs to be alone. Stop trying to be in a relationship and just be by yourself. See how that is for a while.

Well Well Well.......

So, this dude keeps sending me text messages so I decide to call and ask him what the hell his problem is. I mean, we don't have shit to discuss cause you made your choice and now let's all live with it. Nigg is on some, "I want to make sure we are still cool" stuff. FUCK YOU!

Anyway, we talked and it seems that the situation that you thought would be better than this one is not. Homey is talking to me in secret and shit cause his new man told him that he cant talk to me. HA! Turns out that all that grass you thought would be greener is really astro turf.

And how do I feel about this turn of events? I am so happy. I want him to be in a bad situation. I know that is wrong but you deserve it. You threw away 2 years for some nigg that put flowers on your car in the beginning and now is holding you hostage. Don't you feel dumb.

My new relationship.

There she is. The new woman in my life. I call her "Ruth" and so far our situation is perfect. I love her already. A lot better than that bitch I had before. I didn't even know her name. All I know is that she was selfish(did shit when she wanted to such as start) and unreliable(cutting off in the middle of traffic and shit). Thank God for "Ruth"!

In other news....there ain't much. Just bought another ipod Sunday and that's about the most exciting thing going on for me. No relationships on the horizon and you know what, I am satisfied with that. Who needs the headache? I think that I am done with all that stuff for a while. Right now it's all about me. Trying to finish school is the top priority at this moment and that means I really have no time for anything else. Nope, there is no love in any of my plans.

This bastid had the gall to text me today!

"Hello, just wanted to check on u."

The fuck? What makes you think in need to be checked on and especially by you. You think because you decided to be an ass that I fell apart? I am just fine and would actually rather you leave me the hell alone! It's so arrogant the way it was written. Written like you are doing me some sort of favor by offering me a gift of a text. Fuck You!

Now I am debating how I should handle this. I do believe that it would be best if I just ignored the text altogether. Just pretend that I never even got it. That would be the best way to show you that I have most defiantly moved on. I would speak volumes by not saying a word but I am sure that you are much to stupid to even get that. One part of me still wants to kick your ass and tell your whole family how much of a nasty fag you really are....but what would that accomplish.

The truth of the matter is, I still love you. I actually miss you. I really want to talk to you but you messed that up. I wish I could wish you happy birthday but how could I. I can't even play around with the idea of being your friend because you really don't deserve it.

So yeah, I won't even respond to it. I have to just let it go and maybe in a year we can attempt a friendship. Right now, I gotta erase the message.

I am going crazy on Half.com

www.half.com

I have spent close to $50.00 in the last couple of days on that shit. Trying to get some old stuff that I have lost over the years. Why, I don't know since my ipod is tripping again. that shit just won't do right!

So, again, a brother is back on the bus. Seems like I am always having car problems but I plan to put that shit to a halt soon. I have seen my new baby! A nice, '98 ford explorer sport and it's a stick! If dude can just hold out until I get my student loan then I will be cool.

They called me last night. Wow! The nerve! Called me like they just wanted to have a conversation. What did I do? I straight cussed his ass out! He acted all sad as if this was surprising to him. I really think that he is a retard. For real. All that shit and he thinks we are supposed to be buddy buddy now. I am really at a loss with this one.

I am mad as hell right now

naw, fuck that. I am not gonna write in my blogg about that shit. I wont even give that situation the satisfaction of knowing that I am bothered by it. All I will say is that people are fucked up. How can a person pretend to be someone that they are not. My man Tony said that you cant be mad at yourself for loving someone who PRETENDED to love you back. I mean, how was I to know that it was a lie. All that wasted time tho. I heard them say "I love you" to somebody else. that hurts.

It's a new year

I was Atlanta for the new year and everything was real cool. I was able to chill with some old friends and even some online friends and all in all, everything was cool. This weekend really made me appreciate my boy Dwight a little more. I am thinking that this is because I am still missing Jamaco so much and maybe I am just wanting to cling to something or someone. Don't get me wrong, Dwight and I have been friends since were were in the 9th grade but I guess I kinda took him for granted. Life can be short and full of surprises so now a brother is just trying to not take anything or body for granted. Dwight is my boy.

I don't usually do white singers but this Robin Thicke is the troof. Why aint nobody tell me? I didn't even want this album but now I listen to it religiously. I would rather listen to him than mr. Timberlake.

I wish there was a way to put all my blogging together

and since i don't know of one yet http://traj.diaryland.com/index.html is where all my blogs before this one can be found.

dayum i miss my homey. shit gets worse everyday. its like it is finally setting in that I wont be seeing him.

I am pissed today for a couple of reasons.

1) I asked that dude to please get a gift certificate for me. It was a present that I was planning to give to my grandmother for Christmas. He said he would. I mean, he owed me money so he was really just paying me back. I asked on Thursday. I waited until Sunday to ask again. He said he was still going to pick it up. Today is Tuesday and I still have no gift certificate! And he didn't even have the decency to call me and let me know anything. And this is why we are no longer an item. My boy told me last night that he thinks that I was just using this gift certificate thing as a test to see if I wanted to remain friends with Trap. I think he was right and the way he acted lets me know that we cannot be friends. He is not a person that I would be friends with. I cant stand his ass.

2) The baby mama of my recently deceased friend is not allowing anyone to see the child. I have tried to call her several times and left messages but she has not returned any of them. Yesterday I heard that she is complaining that too many people are calling her and she feels that it is harassment. Harassment!? I spent a grip on my god son and I just need to know what I need to do with all this stuff. Why in the hell would a person act so dumb at a time like this? This is supposed to be a festive time of year but my boy is gone and now she is making it worse. Why would she not allow the family to see the child? I have a mind to go up there and smack some sense into her ass.

Yesterday I lost my friend

Actually, lost is such a final word. I think that I would rather say we won't speak for a time.
This was more that my friend. A brother. As a mater of fact we decided a long time ago that since we were only children, we should just be brothers......from different mothers.
Outkast was our shit
Cee-lo was the man
Bilal was the voice.....why nobody understood that was beyond us. I mean, just listen to "Sometimes"
I hated his womanizing
he was cool with my issue
He kept saying that I was going to have to do better if I was going to be the Godfather of little J.

Sometimes shit is just so final.
I need to ask him about making copies of the first 3 seasons of the wire.
Ideally, when people die, they should leave all work finished.
Since we still have things to do, he cant be gone.
right?
I mean, that is what my mind says.

I used to be scared to die. Like, I would have these real big panic attacks about it.
Funny, but yesterday I wasn't so scared. I know I will have somebody waiting to trip with.

R.I.P
Gary Jamaco Moon