So I'm reading 'The Kid'

It's the sequel to 'Push' by Sapphire. All I can say is 'What The Fuck'! I don't even know why I let my people drag me into reading this shit. I told someone yesterday it's as if Sapphire wrote down a list of all the fucked up shit that could happen to a little black boy, then took that list and put it in story form. I have thrown my Nook to the ground on several occasions since I started this. I am still just a bit confused as to what Sapphire is trying to get to with this story. I mean, there are parts where you can;t tell if the lead character is dreaming or mentally ill! And my frustration right now is the fact that this character did something awful but is speaking to himself as if the things they say he did are a lie. I could handle this better if the author just let me know upfront that this character has a mental problem or can;t really grasp reality but since she has not let me know that I am forced to believe that his mind is right and then I have to ask 'What the fuck is his problem?'

So yeah, that's what I am doing at this point in my life. Reading a book and still not working on mine. It's coming though! Hopefully.

Alright

It's been a while but I finally feel like I have settled in Atlanta. Got an apartment, got a job, got a relationship. So now is the time to focus on my writing.

My friend Julie said to me, before I moved, that I need to make sure that I don't squander this opportunity. And I plan on doing everything in my power to make sure that I don't!

Unemployed in Georgia

No matter what happens, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the move to Atlanta was not a mistake. I have kinda keep telling myself this because it's starting to get a little hard here. The job situation is terrible and I am hopeful that something will come through within the net week cause if not, I really don't know what I'm gonna do.

Anyway, enough of that. I've started walking again. There is a little walking park down the street from my apt so I've been going daily. It keeps my mind off things and allows me to do a little thinking.

I know this entry sucks but I had to write something. You'd think that with all the time that I have had off I would doing more of this but surprisingly, no. It's hard to write at home so I try to go places but sometimes I just don't feel like leaving the house. Right now I'm at Mcdonald's.

I have written and erased 5 topics

I feel like I need to write but I don't have shit to talk about.

I need a job though. The current gig will be up in 3 weeks so I need to really hustle. And speaking of jobs, I wonder if I am the only one that feels like shit when I get a rejection. I mean, that shit is making me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me! It hurts to get that shit. Especially the phrase 'we have reviewed your resume and your application but we have chosen to go with someone a little more ideal for this position.' Might as well say 'you aint shit and we want nothing to do with you'

You know what's great about ATL though? The fact that I am presented with so many opportunities to participate in the music scene. I have been writing with a friend from College, I met someone that gave me some tracks to play with, and I have met a new friend that has an underground following that is open to me singing background for them. All of this reassures me that the move was right and I am really excited about the possibility of writing songs. I mean, I am still working on the short story but I am going to also play with this.

Anyway, if you are reading this, throw some positive energy this way and good thoughts! Visualize me finding a real job!

I finally did it!!!

It's been a while since I put anything down on this blog but as I've said before, it is time I start getting more serious about my writing. That being said, I think that I can at least do a post a week. It would be great to do one a day but I just don't see it right now so why lie to myself or you people reading.

So yeah, I finally moved from Greenville SC. My last day in that place was August 27th 2010 and on the morning of the 28th, I woke up in Atlanta GA. So much has taken place since the move and I am sure I will get to it all eventually but for now I will just say that
1. I have entered the next phase in a relationship with someone wonderful.
2. I have no job in this city(well, I do but it's really nothing to speak of)
3. I am sure that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

And now I am on with the rest of my life. Scared but excited. I don't know what is in store but I am game! And I plan to document all of it right here! So stay tuned.

Event Horizon.....

When an object approaches a black hole, there eventually comes a point where the object has no possible way of escaping the gravitational forces that will pull it in. A 'point of no return' if you will. This is known as the Event Horizon. And while I would never want to impress upon you people that I think my life is as big as something like a black hole, I do want to talk about the Event Horizon that I am approaching at this very minute.

Within the next couple of weeks, I will have to make some decisions that will drastically change everything. But I must. I am scared as hell but like my main man Pastor Wendell Jones says 'Sometimes you have to do it scared!'

And I think the only reason I am even making this entry is to maybe subside some of this anxiety I am feeling right now. I want to have a conversation with myself and try to figure out if I should go or stay. Comfort and stability want to make me stay but love and adventure are pulling me to leave.

So here I am, floating toward destiny.

Perfect Peace a Perfect Mess

Recently my favorite cousin pulled my ear about a novel she was thinking about reading. Because I trust her opinion about these types of things, I was immediately interested and when she gave me a synopsis of the story, I was sold. The novel was 'Perfect Peace' by Daniel Black. I googled the author and guess what? It and turns out, I'd read one of his previous books(They Tell Me of a Home) and I hated it. I decided not to let that discourage me though. I mean, I was very enthusiastic about the subject matter so I figured it had to be good. Boy was I wrong.

So, If you are interested in actually reading this book, you should probably stop reading now because I fear that in my detail about why this novel just doesn't work, I may inadvertently give away some of the story. I would hate to spoil anything for you.

Let's start by discussing what this story is about! 'Perfect Peace' is a set in the 1940's in a rural black community and explores what happens when a boy is raised as a girl, then abruptly told the truth. When the novel opens, we find the matriarch in the middle of giving birth to her seventh child that she is sure will finally be a girl. Of course she is wrong and she has another boy. All of a sudden, this woman has the bright idea of making her boy a girl and this is where things start to fall apart. This should have been a terribly interesting story due to the subject matter and in more capable hands, it could have been. Unfortunately Mr. Black was ill equipped to do this story justice.

There were a few problems I had with this novel but one of the biggest problems is the hypothesis that Mr. Black sets up as you read. When I finally finished, one thing I took from this book is that if you allow a child to 'act like a girl' they will become gay and I don't feel comfortable with this idea at all. I want to first of all say that I do not believe that there is any kind of formula that can be put together(or avoided) that will make a child attracted to the same sex. For every person in the world that is same sex attracted, there is also a life full of experiences that has brought them to that point. I believe everyone is different so there is no one way that people get anywhere. I feel Mr. Black's idea that a person's sexuality can be socialized does not take into account the biology of a person. We are supposed to believe that just because his mother told him that he was a girl, his biology followed suite. If this were true, then I would argue that I should not be gay. I was socialized as a boy but I never had any sexual feelings toward girls! Again, I am not saying that my life experience is the way it is for everyone but I do believe that Mr. Black has failed to recognize the biology of sex in his telling of this story.
Another issue I have with this novel is that Mr. Black is just not a very good story teller. His writing is all over the place and I really feel like he tried to stuff a few different stories in this one novel. The story of Perfect was enough to carry this whole book and all the other fluff just made the story too convoluted and difficult to follow. I think the biggest violation of this for me would be the story of Mister. I assume that Mr. Black introduced the romance between Mister and Johnny Ray in order to show another point of view in regards to sexuality but again, it was just not handled appropriately. After all is said and done, I just felt like the story was never fully fleshed out and ultimately just another distraction from the real story. This continues to happen throughout this novel which left me very frustrated.

All in all, I have to say this book was awful. And I mean no disrespect to Mr. Black! The fact that he's actually published in an accomplishment in itself and something he should be proud of but I cannot look past the issues I find with this work. If anything, I blame his editor, or or those of us who read this and did not call him on these issues. I think it's our duty to continue to push artist to raise the bar and call them to task when they don't. So here is my push to Mr. Daniel Black.

ok....that was pretty dumb

driving was ok but why am I drenched in sweat and I almost bust my ass at the store. From here on out I will be taking doctors orders.

What's been going on

So I had the surgery on Thursday morning and so far things seem to be going ok. What I was originally told was a simple sprain turned out to be so bad that the surgery lasted over 3 hrs and now I am starting to play around with the idea of maybe holding that original doctor responsible for his nonchalant diagnosis that was all wrong. We shall see.

I don't know if I really went into a lot of detail about how it took me back when Shanen suggested that he come up to help me out a few days after the surgery. I'll go into it now. First of all, I am usually the kind of person that tries to go out of my way to help other people out so it really threw me off when he just told me(not even a discussion) that he was taking vacation days to come help. That shit never happens to me. I didn't even know how to process it! All I can say is that this one gesture has solidified for me the idea that this is the person that I am supposed to be with. Looking back on the past few days, I don't know what in the hell I would have done if he had not been here. Things that I just would not have been prepared to do alone. Like, how about when I woke up in the recovery room after the surgery, my gown was GONE. What I am saying is that under those covers, I was completely naked! Just imagine if only my mom, or Julie, or my grandma had been there to help me! I was Naked!!!!!! He really came through for me and I appreciated him so much more.

And now I am sitting here in my house alone because my mom just took him back to the Bus station. I decided I needed to write something and I apologize if it's a little off because I am feeling good off that Percocet right now.

I know that the doctor sad I could not drive for 6 weeks but I am contemplating a little trip to bloom right now. I got some fresh yellow squash in the kitchen and I want to try to make some soup. Imma try and I'll keep you guys posted.

It's official. Surgery is now scheduled

So about 2 years ago I fell victim to the Chattahoochee River. It kicked my ass, took my wallet, my camera, and left me with what I thought was a sprained ankle. I went to a physician as soon as I got home and he assured me tat I was only suffering from a sprained ankle. He gave me a boot and I was on my way.
After 2 years, some x-rays, some MRI's, and a new doctor, I find out that the injury that I thought was just a sprain was actually much more severe. I could go into the details of what is actually going on but I won't bore you. Let's just say that when it's all said and done, I won't be able to drive for 6 weeks. At least my Boo is coming up to help me in my time of need.
Hey! Did I ever speak on the fact that I was a writer? Well, I am and now my cousin has introduced me to something that is going to give me an opportunity to sharpen my skills. She bought this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Breakout-Novel-Workbook-Donald/dp/158297263X
and she is blogging on each of the exercises she completes.
http://justwrite40days40nights.wordpress.com/
She got me interested so I bought the book and I too am following the exercises. Maybe you(my one follower) will want to participate in this exercise also! I am so excited that Stanley(the lead in my short story) is finally going to come alive!

......I Got A Follower!!!

I can't believe it! It would be just my luck though that she actually just clicked a wrong button and ended up following me and my simple blog by mistake. Pls don't tell me if it was a mistake! I need to believe that you really read my shit and decided that it was something that you thought would be interesting to follow. I need to believe that because that will push me to keep this thing updated. Yes lone follower, I am going to do this thing for you!

Church

One of my good girlfriend Julie took me to church on Tuesday night. All I can say is that It was interesting. It was a white church but that was not an issue for me because I have been to plenty of those. One issue that I did have was the music. OMG! They were doing the standard selections you would hear at any progressive white church(and I knew most of them because we actually sang them at my church) but the musicians and the singers were murdering the joints! It took all the will I had that night to not storm that stage and assign parts for 3 part harmony.
The church is located in an African American neighborhood and one great thing that the pastor is trying to initiate is an investment in the community. Namely, they want to reach the youth. Well, in my 2 or so hour visit to the sanctuary, what I have come to the conclusion of is that their goal will not be reached. I don't think that the people who are assigned to handle the kids from the neighborhood are equipped for the task. I also got the feeling that a lot of those people were not embracing those kids in love but rather from a position of......privilege. Hell, the Pastor even made it a point to talk about how he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth!
And speaking of the pastor......He was gay. And not that there is anything wrong with that! He has great expectations about what his congregation can accomplish but again, I don't think they are very well equipped. LOL @ them thinking some soft rock and a Wii would make those kids turn their life to Christ.
The minister that spoke that night was OK but ultimately, he left me still wanting something......like a point to his sermon. I heard he sells stadiums out. I guess. He was operating in the 'Call and Response' style of preaching but the problem was that these good Christians weren't used to that. It was a little awkward.
All in all, the experience was that bad because if nothing else, I got some face time with my girl. Next time I'm taking her to worship with me though.

I am a Writer and I'm Writing right now.

That is my new mantra. I am going to say that everyday to motivate me into a writing frenzy. It's almost April and I have until May1st to be finished with this short story so that I can enter it into a contest. A short story. A short story that I have been working on since summer of last year. A short story!
And the story is awesome! It's something that I really must get out. but I just keep thinking about how far I have to go and I get discouraged. I mean, I have a lot to do before May and I really don't see it happening. So much to do and so little time.
I don't think that I could rely on writing as my only form of income. It would have to be something that I did while I made my real income doing something else. And it's because I am just such a procrastinator. I am going to have to start working on that flaw.

The First Step

So, every journey always starts with the first step and on Saturday I took the first step toward the next journey in my life. I finally, after almost 2 years made it back in the gym.
Yep, I am once again on the path to being a fat boy no more. I actually don't expect that I will ever be skinny want to loose some! I actually said to myself that I intend to proceed with no expectations at all. All I know is that for right now, I just need to make it to the gym at least 3 times a week.
My friend Tony is actually the one that opened my eyes on Saturday. I was telling him how I'd planned to do some work around the house and then get on my stationary bike for a while and he asked me why I wasn't going to the gym. I told him that I thought it best to see what I could do at home, on my own and then eventually ease back into the gym. He respectfully told me I was an idiot. 'Quad, what sense does it make to loose weight to go to the gym?' I never really thought of it that way until her threw it at me like that. And that day I decided to give this thing another try.
One thing that I am really excited about is the fact that Me, Tony, and another friend Eric plan on taking this journey together. Saturday after he convinced me that I needed to go to the gym, I asked Tony why we never really reached out to one another to give us inspiration while taking on this task. It's almost like we always talk about our struggle but we keep it to ourselves. I had the great(in my mind anyway) idea that we should all hold each other accountable and encourage one another to keep ourselves motivated. Such a simple notion but I am excited about the possibilities of it.
So today I am focused on going to the gym.....today. I am not stressing about what I have to eat or how long I have to work out. I am just going to go and accomplish that.

I Got a Mac!!!!

Hopefully this means that I will be doing more writing. Truthfully, I did not need another computer. My Toshiba Satellite(4gigs of ram/300gig HardDrive/15in Monitor/Vista) was more than adequate for what I need but it was missing one thing. That little glowing apple on the top of the laptop. Yup, I did it all because I am a pseudo hipster(although I am a little late). Anyway, I hope that the little apple does inspire me to write more cause I do have a deadline that I need to meet.
In other news, I am in love. This is not a new thing tho. I have actually been in this state for a little over 2yrs but it just keeps getting better and better.

WOW! It's been so long since I wrote a blog! I would love to say that this class that I was taking took up all of my time but the truth of that matter is that I was just being a lazy bastid. I really need to do better because one thing that I know for sure keeping a blog does is improve my writing. I guess.
So the picture is my attempt at cream spinach. Had my wisdoms removed on Thursday so I had to sick to soft foods. I used this as an excuse for me to finally try to make something that I love.

Wisconsin

Struggling

Some of my friends know that I have been struggling with my faith, and religion, and church, and that whole ball of wax for some time. For a while I have been really trying to figure out how all this stuff goes together and where I fit in. I have had some knockdown, drag-outs with people that are close to me about my opinions on these things and some relationships are still not the same.

And this whole time, I have secretly been a little pissed with HIM because as I have outlined in this blog many times before, He(and just for the record, I am now struggling with this pronoun I use to describe the creator) is conveniently silent on many issues which forces us to figure out a lot on our own.....with no real proof that what we figured out is even right. Ohhh but this week I have to say that He proved himself to me in a way that has significantly strengthened my faith and erased many of the doubts that had.

What happened? well, I don't want to bore anyone with those details but what I will say is that for me, I know that there is G-d. Do I still struggle with some of the ideas and explanations that I struggled with before? Sure but one thing that I know for sure is that there is something out there that guides and leads me.

Now, I am still working through the idea that maybe the G-d that we have been taught is not the whole. I am finding further comfort in the idea that G-d truly is way bigger than we can even comprehend. What if even the bible only gives us a glimpse? In my summation, the creator cannot be contained in a book because the idea of him in that book was conveyed through human vessels and I believe that our humanity won't allow us to comprehend all that He(there's that pronoun again) is. I am sure he imparted what he could to those that participated in the writing, but the bible is simply an exercise in humanity trying to understand the eternal. The idea is way too big and humans trying to explain to other humans with the tools that we have been given(speech, illustration, written language) could never do justice to all that G-d is.

At any rate, if I don't know anything else, I know that in my life there is a force pushing me toward something. And here I am, stuck in the middle of the unknown, but comfortable with a little less struggle.

Fat people can be some haters.

I just came back from lunch and the entire conversation at the table(a conversation that I made sure I stayed out of) was about my co-worker that recently decided to have the Gastric Bypass. I realize that I work with a bunch of haters. Tell me why is it that these severely overweight people(and I am included myself in the overweight part) think they have all the knowledge on what it takes to lose weight? I mean, if you really had the market cornered on weight loss.....you would not be fat, right? Making comments like 'it don't take all that' and 'she just needs will power' and 'she will never keep it off' and 'she will end up heavier than she was'. All of these comments made as they ate a large pepperoni pizza. I had a salad.

As I said in the previous blog, I don't want to hate on the surgery although I do have my issues with the process but I refuse to talk about ole girl. She wanna go under the knife, I pray that it's successful but these people. They already made he fat again and she ain't even had the surgery yet! And all this coming from a couple of people that would be good candidates for the surgery themselves. Fat people can be some haters

Work Chronicles

So I decided that I needed to write more but the problem is I never have much to write about. What I discovered though, through the many conversations I have with my friends is that I always have an awful lot to say about work. So I decided that for the time being, I would blog about work stuff. Today's installment: 'Tina Hernandez'

I've been working with 'Tina Hernandez' for about 9 years. She was hired a few weeks after I came and I remember this fact because while she was being interviewed, one of the questions we all overheard her ask the supervisor was, "Where are all the men!!" After that everyone knew that she would be a card.
What I have found in all these years of working together is that Tina is a whining baby. Not really sure what her upbringing was but I would be willing to guess she was a spoiled brat. This guess comes from the fact that she never takes responsibility (always wants to pass her work to others) and the fact that she is extremely overweight. Her parents must have given her whatever she wanted and fixed all her problems for her so she has no idea how to do it now that she is an adult. I would imagine she tries to cope with reality vs. the false reality her parents gave her by eating. And this is why she is obese. But that's just my theory.
So after living most of her life as a big girl, she has decided to do something about it. She informed me the other day that she is considering the gastric bypass. She says that she has tried many times before to lose but nothing has worked so this is the final option. Ok, so I am a fat boy too so I don't want this to come across like I am judging her or anything cause I'm not but I do not agree with the bypass. I've said many times before that in my mind, it would be the same as buying a plant but never watering it and when it starts to die, painting the leaves green. Fundamentally, the person getting it done is not addressing the real issue behind their eating. They are only masking the problem. Incidentaly, this same plant analogy is the main reason I don't take over the counter meds. I mean, advil will releave your headache but, what I need to know is why the hell you got a headache anyway! But I digress...
Tina came to me recently and informed me of her decision and while she was telling me her plans, she started crying. It was emotional how she weaved a story about how she had never really been intimate with her husband and how she just wanted to one day walk the beach with her daughter. I was moved. Imagine how I felt when I saw her the next day with a box of donut holes. Are you eaven trying? And don't get me wrong, I wanted some of those holes too but my willpower prevailed and I resisted temptation but her, the woman that was crying the day before about how she only has sex with her husband in the dark with her clothes on, ate damn near the whole box! I ask, what is the point.
In the end, she will probably get the surgery and even lose but her eating habits will still be the same. I heard that people can actually stretch their stomachs back to the original size after they have the surgeryand end up fat again. You know why? They never address the real issue which means they still eat when they are bored, or sad, or angry. I hope that works out for her.