Listening to Beyonce' Green Light....

I am about to be 30 years old. Next year on September 22nd I will have been on this earth for 30 years! I think that shit is pretty deep. It's deep to me. I mean, when I was young I would imagine that by this time in my life I would be well on my way into something. I would be in a steady career, have a significant other and have a general idea of where the rest of my life would be going. The reality is that I am 29 and I work at a hospital call center. I am a fat gay man. I am not in a relationship right now and have none on the horizon. I have no real friends in this city that I live in and I think that I am just generally tired of this life that I am living.

No I dont want to kill myself.

I just need something more. I think that moving to Atlanta will be a good move for me and that is why I am planning to do so next year.

I think I need to amend that friend thing. I do have friends that live here. I just dont relaly like them much. Wait, that may be a little harsh. I think that what I mean is that I just dont really think that I have a lot in common with them. Maybe it's me.

I really want to write. I think. Actually, I have no clue what I want to do with my life but I think that I need to figure it out soon because I am not getting any younger. I think that I could write. Maybe. I think that my main problem is that I need to be a bit more disciplined. I could write here more often but i never really stay on task with it. I think that if I want to be serious about it, i will need to be more serious about it.

This is a nothing entry. I just felt that I needed to put some shit down. any writing is better than no writing.

so...what is going on with me

Not much.

New Years is fast approaching(notice I skipped right past Christmas) and I plan to be in Atlanta. Just like last year.

It's been a year sonce J died and I am still coping.

I need to really write here more often. Reading over some of my other stuff....I often have to remember that I wrote it. Some of my shit is pretty good. Augusten Burroughs is my inspiration.

I am going to make a declaration that I will write here at least 1nce a week. It really does make me better.

Wassup Jamaco.

It's been a whole year since you have been gone and I am still trying to get used to it. Time goes by so fast and it's hard to believe that it's been that long since we last spoke. Everyday it seems like I do something and want to share it with you but I know I cant. In the beginning I would wish that I could but now I realize that this was selfish. I mean, why would I want to take you away from paradise just so I could have my homey back.

I am still on the outs with your baby moms. You said that bitch was crazy and now I see it. We haven't seen your seed since the funeral man. You know he still hasn't gotten any of the Christmas stuff from last year! I mean, I think we all have tried to do our part to honor your memory and when he gets a little older, hopefully he will be able to interact with us more.

I'm still fucking with BJ man. Now that you are gone I realize that you were the glue that kept us together. We still try to keep in touch tho just like you are still here. He got his thing going on in ATL and every time I go visit, I imagine that you are in the passenger side sleep. Just the way we used to do it.

Trying to stay in touch with your Grandma man but I must confess, it's hard. I always want to breakdown after we talk so I don't talk to her much. I know that would probably make you mad man so I am going to do better. As a matter of fact, I think I will call her today.

I really just want to say thank you man. Thank you for being my friend. My brother. Thank you for not tripping when I told you I was gay. Thank you for still calling me a fag but not with the hateful overtones. Thank you for picking me up when my car was fucked up. Thanks for going to breakfast with me when i should have been at work. Thanks for sharing Kast and Bilal with me. just than you.

Till we see each other again. peace.

short story attempt

I have been trying to write this story for quite a while. Let me know what yall think.

The morning started off like any other for Thomas Cullpepper. He arose at 6:30am, laid out his clothes for work, showered, and watched the 'Today Show' while eating 'Honey Bunches of Oats'. This was his daily drill and hadn't changed much in the past seven years. The predictability of his life, the way he orchestrated it, usually brought great comfort but for some reason this morning he found himself bored with it. As Thomas sat on his bed, only half listening to Al Roker, his mind drifted. What would happen if the routine that he loved and worked so hard to maintain were thrown off track. How would he handle it? Could he even deal? Suddenly A loud used car salesman interrupted his thoughts with talk of 'no money down' and brought him back to reality. His reality. The one he diligently labored to create and those fleeting thoughts of changing it were quickly tossed away.

By 7:55am, Thomas was pulling into his parking space at Hinderman & Associates ready to start another day. He'd started working for Mr. Hinderman right out of college and had been there for about 7 years. Thomas had applied for a prestigious position in the company but was offered a job in the mail room. Of course he thought that job was beneath him but took it anyway because he knew this the company was on the verge of being the biggest public relations firm in the southeast. It would do him well to get in anywhere he could even if it was only the mail room. He also knew that with his drive, winning personality, and killer smile, it would only be a matter of time before he was recognized and moved to a position more fitting his talent. And a few years after he started, that's exactly what happened. He eventually worked his way up to a department manager and the office buzz had him next in line for assistant regional director.

'Morning Mrs. Lindler!', Thomas said as he passed the front desk
'Morning to you Tommy'
Thomas always made it a point to merrily greet everyone he came in contact with in the mornings. He would flash that smile and call them by name, all in an effort to make them believe that he was more than their co-worker but also a friend. This couldn't be further from the truth. It was just one of many tools that he used to manipulate. Thomas knew that they all loved him and why wouldn't they? His morning ritual would keep him in everyone's good graces even though he really could not stand most of them. Even Mrs. Lindler.

As Thomas stepped off the elevator and rounded the corner to his office, he ran into Sheila Dunder.
'On time as usual', she said walking toward him.
'That's the only way to stay on top’, he said with a wink.
Sheila was a statuesque, take charge woman who, just like Thomas, had dreams of climbing the ladder at Hinderman & Asso. She was essentially Thomas' only competition and also rumored to be in line for the assistant regional director position. They both started working there at the same time and in the beginning, there was a lot of tension between the two of them. With two head-strong young kids who both had an eye on the prize, there was bound to be some clash but Thomas decided early on that he would take control of the situation. He would lure her into camaraderie instead of competition and as far as he could tell, he had been successful. Like all the others in the office, he really didn't like her much either and behind the smiles she always saw on his face was basic distaste of her. While he basically dismissed her, he was sure she thought of him as a friend.
'Don't forget that report is due this morning. We don't want to disappoint Hinderman.'
'That report was done yesterday Ms. Dunder.' ,Thomas said with playful banter. 'And this is the reason I will soon be getting that promotion and not you'
'Sure you are', Sheila said as she was walked past Thomas. 'But I wonder how that will happen when you are getting fired today.'
'What?!', asked Thomas as he turned around to face Sheila. He saw her rounding the corner to her office when he shouted again,'Sheila, what did you say ?'
'I said sure you are', she repeated from around the corner.

'Of course that's not what she said.' Thomas thought as he sat at his desk. 'Why would I be getting fired. Hinderman loves me. I'm like his son. He said so!'
Thomas decided that he would just dismiss the whole thing as his imagination and get busy on the final touches of his report. As soon as he pulled up the file on his computer he was interrupted by the dull beep of his phone. It was exactly 8:03am.

'Hinderman and associates this is Thomas Cullpepper speaking' ,he said pretending he didn't know who was on the line.
'Hi baby', came a sweet sounding voice from the other end. It was his girlfriend Monica. He knew this because she called him at the same time everyday. Just the way he liked it.
'Hi babe.' he said. 'Can't stay on the phone long. Got a big meeting to get ready for.'
'I know I know. Just wanted to call.....as I do every morning.'
4 years after Thomas started working for Hinderman & Associates he decided that it was time to focus on a relationship. He'd worked so hard to move up in the company and figured that his next move should be in the area of his love life. Add one more element to the image that he was building. That's when he met Monica.
'Well, I am actually glad you called.' ,he said. 'You were a little loud this morning when you were leaving.
'Loud? Babe, I know how you feel about that so as usual, I was as quiet as a church mouse on my way to work this morning.'
In the beginning Thomas thought that Monica was a bit rough around the edges and was not sure if she would ever be able to fit the image that he had in mind. It was never about love for him. It was all about the image. She was pretty enough and she did have a lot going for her so Thomas was sure that with his help he could turn her into something good enough to hold his arm at office functions and dinner parties. Of course, just like with everyone else, he would have to manipulate and make her believe that he really cared for her and all the suggestions that he made about her look, her car, and even the way she dressed were because he wanted the best for her. For them. Three years after their 'relationship' started, Thomas was proud of the person he had helped her become.
'Well, all I know is that you woke me up.', he insisted. 'And who is Antonia?'
'Oh. Umm, she’s a new client of mine' she explained. ‘and I did take a call from her but I wasn’t loud.’
'All I kept hearing this morning was 'Antonia' this and 'Antonia' that. You know how I need my sleep babe.'
There was a pause then Monica said, 'Look honey, I know you're busy so I’ll just see you at lunch today. We're still on right because I want to talk to you about something.'
'Of course. Talk to you later.'

So caught up in work that day, Thomas barely noticed that hours had passed and it was now 11:45am. He decided to wrap up what he was working on and get ready for his lunch with Monica. Although the work had taken his mind off of the hours, it had not taken his mind from what he thought he heard from Sheila that morning. He could not shake it so Thomas decided that he would make his way to the water cooler and see what the gossip was that day.

When he stepped out of his office he could see Jamie Thomas and Constance Jones standing at the cooler talking. Their backs were to him so Thomas could not quite make out what they were saying but assumed that it must have been good judging by the whispers and hand gestures. As he got closer, he thought he heard them say something about someone getting fired and this made him quicken his pace just in case their conversation was a continuation of what he'd told himself Sheila didn't say that morning.

'Hi Guys' ,said Thomas as he came up behind them. 'What's the word around the office today?" He felt a shift in the atmosphere as he came into the conversation and this worried him.
'Everything is just as it always is Thomas.' said Constance with a nervous smile. It was no secret that she was attracted to him and Constance was not very good at hiding it. He, of course would never entertain the idea of having anything to do with her. He hated her perfume. He did however, often use her to find out information.
'Well, I was just wondering what the buzz was around the office.' Thomas said looking into her eyes. 'I thought I heard someone talking about someone getting fired today.'
'Well actually..' Jamie started but was interrupted by Constance.
'Actually we were just going back to work!' she said pulling Jamie from the water cooler.
'Wait', Thomas said to Constance reaching out to hold her arm. His sudden gesture startled Constance and she dropped her water bottle on the floor. As she bent down to pick it up, Thomas thought he heard, 'Poor thing, he really doesn't know.'
'Doesn't know what?' said Thomas.
'What?' Constance said looking up at him with bewilderment. 'I didn't say anything.'
'I thought you said...' Thomas said trailing off. 'Never mind' he said as he made his way to the elevator. Seemed that he was still hearing things.

On his way to the restaurant to meet Monica Thomas' head was filled with confusion. 'What is going on in the office today', he thought. Not only was he now consumed with the idea of being fired, twice that day he's heard people say things that they said they didn't say. Was there a big joke being played on him? Thomas was deeply entrenched in his thoughts that he almost missed the turn for the restaurant.

Walking into the swanky cafe, Thomas saw Monica sitting in their usual spot talking on her cell. He noticed that she was still wearing her gym clothes but today he would not make it an issue. He had more important things to worry about.

'Hi baby.' ,he said as he walked up behind her chair. He kissed her cheek. He noticed that she had already ordered his Perrier with lime, just the way he liked it.
Monica quickly said her goodbyes to the person on the other end of the phone and replied, 'Hi Thomas.'
'Babe, you will never believe the day I've been having.' ,he said as he sat down.
'Oh really?' ,Monica said taking a sip of her water. At that very moment Thomas noticed something strange. Just beneath what he was sure he saw her say, Thomas could hear more. 'Great, he's had a bad day and now I’m about to spring this on him.'
Puzzled, Thomas asked, 'I'm sorry, what did you say?'
'I said 'Oh really'....why?'
'Oh...I just thought' he said trailing off. Not wanting to appear crazy, he decided that he would say nothing to her about what was going on and instead changed the subject. 'Anyway, how was work today with Antonia?'
'Antonia.....Well honey, I want to talk to you about that.' ,she said. Again, he saw her mouth these words but at the same time he heard 'I've been waiting for a girl like Antonia all my life'. This time he could not ignore it. He was definitely hearing things that her mouth was not saying. Was he reading her thoughts? If so, what was this leading up to? Thomas decided to just play it cool and see where the conversation would lead.
'Ok, let's talk' he said.
'Thomas, I want to get your thoughts on something. See honey, Antonia is not only someone who comes to the gym, she is also a special friend', is what she said but he also heard, 'She's the best lover I ever had.'
Shocked, Thomas took a sip of water hoping that it would hide his surprise. Monica continued.
'and I've been playing with this idea in my head for a while but now I feel comfortable enough to bring it to you and see what you think' is what she said but he also heard 'I'm sure he won't mind her joining us in the bedroom' This statement almost made Thomas choke on the Perrier.
'See baby, my friend Antonia asked me something and I told her that I could not give her an answer until I talked to you.' is what she said but he also heard 'Shit, after that panty thing he wanted to do, he better not object to this'
'I think that what she has in mind will help me and you' is what she said but he also heard 'It'll help me cause at least she can make me Climax.'
At this point Thomas could take it no longer. 'Just say what you have to say Monica' Thomas said. It came out a little louder than he intended and he noticed that tables around them started to stare. He was loosing his composure.
'Ok ok' said Monica. 'Antonia would like for us to…' She paused. ‘Join her swingers party.’ Was how the sentence was finished without her even moving her lips.
Thomas immediately pushed back from the table and stared at Monica in disbelief.
‘I can’t believe you’ he said.
‘Honey, I haven’t even finished what I was saying’
‘I’ve heard enough’ said Thomas.
Monica noticed the flushed look on his face as Thomas got up from the table.
'Baby....are you ok?' she asked but he also heard as he walked toward the restaurant door 'Damn....I'm glad I didn't tell him she was a dwarf and into watersports'

Back in the comfort of his car Thomas took a moment to try to figure out what was going on. After the scene in the restaurant he was staring to believe that he could actually hear peoples thoughts. His rational mind told him that was crazy but how else could he explain the things that had happened that day? As he drove back to his office he found that the low hum of the engine that would normally reassure him that all is well in the world just didn't have that effect. 'I just need to get back to my office where things are normal. Things are the way I engineer them!' Thomas thought as he pulled back into his parking space at Hinderman & Associates.

As Thomas passed Mrs. Lindler's desk he faintly heard her ask him something about lunch but was much too focused on the problem at hand to entertain her simple conversation. He ignored her racing past her desk to the stairs thinking that waiting on the elevator would take too long. He ran up all three flights so when he arrived at his floor he knew he looked a little flustered. His plan was to make it to his office as fast as he could and draw as little attention to himself as possible. He could never let them see him in such a way. Before he opened the door from the stairwell, Thomas made sure that he was presentable. He wiped the perspiration from his brow and tucked his shirt back in so that no one would see on the outside the turmoil he was going through on the inside.

Finally walking into his office, he closed the door behind him to have a little privacy while he figured out his next move. After sitting down and reviewing all the events that taken place that day, he was convinced that he could, indeed, hear thoughts. This ultimately led Thomas back to what he heard Shelia say, or think that morning. He had to find out if he was really on the verge of getting fired. Thomas figured that the only way he could know for sure was to do some investigating. Thomas looked at the clock on his desk and saw the time was 1:30 pm. The presentation wasn't due to start until 2:30pm so he had some time to play around. He would need to talk with someone familiar.

Constance was sitting in her cubicle, eating a cheese sandwich when Thomas walked up.
'What's up Connie' he said trying to sound friendly despite his current condition.
'Hi Thomas' Connie said putting away her lunch.
'No need to do that' said Thomas touching her hand 'I just wanted to stop by and talk for a min. You know, we never get a chance to do that anymore'
Constance, a timid, mousy woman, who also started off in the mail room with Thomas.
'So how are things?' he asked.
'Everything is fine' she replied unable to look him in the eye. 'and the reason we don't talk as much is because you're the rising star of the company and there is no time for us small people. I guess we just have to make an appointment for small talk with you.'
They both laughed. Thomas decided to get right into it.
'So let me just get right to the point Constance' said Thomas. 'Ive been dealing with something all morning and I was hoping that you could help me out with it. Every since we talked, something has been on my mind.' He was interrupted.
'I am so glad I wore that thong today. He must have noticed at the water cooler’
This made him pause for a minute.
'Please continue' Constance said.
'Yes, like I was saying, since talking to you this morning I've had some things on my mind'
’I knew that if I was patient and waited, one day he would finally come crawling to me' is what he heard. She sat facing him with the beginnings of a smile on her face. Hearing this, he wondered if he should even continue the conversation.
He rushed to ask, ‘I just wanted to know if you had any information about anybody getting fired?’
Constance looked at Thomas for a few seconds then looked around the office. She leaned in toward him then said in a whisper, ‘Well Thomas, I didn’t want to say anything this morning because as you know, I am not the type to get into office gossip’
He was finally going to get some answers.
‘I really don’t even feel comfortable discussing it but since it’s you, I’ll make an exception’ It looked as though all that flirting he had done was about to pay off.
She leaned in closer. ‘And I feel really horrible that you are the last to find out about this’
Thomas was starting to get anxious.
‘but the whole office is saying that today, after the meeting, they are going to let..’
‘Thomas, what are you doing?’ said Sheila walking down the hall. Just as Constance was getting to what he had been dying to hear, Sheila interrupted them.
Irritated he replied ‘Just trying to have a conversation with Constance.’
‘Well there’s no time for that! The meeting is about to start.’
Thomas looked down at his watch. The time was only 2pm.
'It was moved up.' ,Sheila answerd before he even had time to ask. ‘Word is Mr. Hinderman has a big announcement.’ She said with a smile.
‘Well Thomas, you better get going’ said Constance as she turned her chair back around to her desk. He had been so close to finding out if it were true but now the window was closed.

That nigg went to jail

Thursday morning my mom calls me crying talking about "They took him away!" She calmed down after a few mins and finally told me that her husband had been taken away from their apartment in handcuffs for all the neighbors to see. Turns out that this guy has been robbing stores and shit. The Fuck!??

It all started about 3 weeks ago when he lost his job. We still are not totally sure how he lost it but what we do know is that he was fired. A few days after he lost the job is when he came up missing and when my mom called me to help look for him. After all that drama and he came home after his crack binge, my mom finally told me how this was not the first time that he had done this. They were trying to keep it under wraps but seems that he was out of control. Of course after he came back that time he promised to do better and even went out to look for jobs. About a week after that incident, he started hanging out again and getting into things that we had no idea about. All that leading up to thursday.

On thursday morning my mom was supposed to take him to get a haircut. She says that he tried to talk her into letting him go alone but at this point, she aint trust his ass to walk to the dumpster. As they were getting ready there was a knock at the door and guess who it was. The police! Came in the house and proceeded to tell the story of how homeboy robbed 2 stores. All this time, this nigg been robbing and shit and we had no idea. It's like, you never really know people. On a positive note tho, the people he robbed said that he was very friendly......

So now dude is in the detention center talking bout he want to get bailed out. I told my mom that she is gonna do what she wants to do but if it were me, i would let his ass lay up in there. I mean, he is gonna have to go to trail so why waste money getting him out when he will probably end up going back anyway. Plus, he may luck up on some kind of treatment and if he stays in, they may give him time served when the trial comes up. I hope she does the smart thing and let him stay in there.

But what of my mother? That is the question that is in my head now. I mean, the only reason that I moved out of the house was because she got married and i wanted them to have their little situation. Now that he is locked up, her income is short again. She says she will try to get a part time job and I hope that works out. Moving back in with her is not really an option right now and I don't know if I am too keen on her moving in with me. She grown! She needs to work that shit out.

So I did it again....

I am so dumb. Why did i think that I could even be friends with them. So selfish they are! What's funny is that I always knew this but chose to look over it. Why do we do that? I guess I thought that I could change them.....or maybe I thought that this was what I deserved. I think that I was probably just drawn to them because of their attractiveness so I decided that I would look past all the rest of the things that were wrong with them. Hell, weren't they accepting me, with my fat ass? I guess that's what it really boils down too. People will put up with a lot of shit because bottom line is, they don't think they deserve any better. That was me. But no more. I think i would rather be alone.

Ok, now that that is over let's focus on NYC. I think that I need this. I will treat this trip as if it is the first step in the real journey that is my life. Every since Jamaco passed I just been in a real funk. I hope that this helps me get out of it.

Why is my mom's new husband a crackhead? She asked me to come talk to him today....the fuck I sposed to say to him. That is their life, right? He is a grown ass man who knows what he is doing. What could i possibly say to him that would change him. I don't think that I will get involved with that unless I have to.
but here's the deal tho: I knew from the very beginning that something just didnt sit right with me. I mean, something about him just registered funny with me. I knew he had done drugs in his past but he and my mom assured me that that was a thing of his past. They even decided to cut his rehab short to get married cause he was over that stuff. Ha! Crack is a helluva drug. As i was saying tho, he just came off as phony to me. I couldn't quite place my finger on it but i knew that there was more to him than he was letting on. Now i see that the problem was that he still did have a substance abuce problem and he was too arrogant to seek any help. We shall see what comes of this.

I really can't grow a beard

cause this hair on my face is getting on my nerves.

What in the hell am I doing. Falling back into a situation with Trap. I think that nik-name suits him. I did some dirt, he did some dirt so both of us were foul. I think that it would not be unusual for us to start this thing again. Maybe I am just doing it out of convenience tho because it is hard out there. But then I think about the fact that we invested a lot of time in that thing. Don't want to just throw it away. At any rate I am just going with the flow but I have decided that I will not make any commitments. I will play for as long as he allows without making anything concrete.

So a nigg is finally feeling like he is at home. It took a min cause at first i felt real uncomfortable in the new place. I mean, i grew up here but that was a long time ago. It's different without the signs of my great grandmother there. Everything was blank when I moved in and it was alomost as if it wasn't her house. Things are feeling comfortable now tho and lately I have been contemplating if I want to try to buy it. This sounds great but I am not even sure if i want to stay in SC. I really want to move away from here soon but my problem with that is that I am way too comfortable here.

a few things that have taken place since we last spoke

let's just rehash.

- Went to ATL again for a little river tubing and that was a trip. First of all my fat ass should have just passed on this adventure. I lost my digital camera, my debit card, and the use of my right foot for about 6wks. All in all it was fun tho and as always the ATL folks were cool as shit.

- Talking to Trap once again although I am not sure in what capacity. We did a little something.....but that does not mean that things are back to normal. I think that what I am going to try to do with this ride it out to see how far it goes without making any kind of commitment.

-I have not been to the gym in forever and now that my leg is fucked up, i am just not interested in going. Once again I am on this kick about not going into my 30's as a fat boy so I think that I need to get on the move. Why in the hell is it so hard to loose weight and so easy to gain it. Life is so unfair at times.

-Back to ATL, Went all the way down there with the intentions of seeing Shannen and it didn't even happen. I was going to go see him when we got back from tubing but as I stated earlier, I messed up my ankle and was forced to go right back to Greenville. I knew that I was in no shape to see him so I just went on home. He talked to me the entire way back tho and that is a good thing because I was sleepy as hell. Things always happen for a reason so I have to believe that it was in the plans that I did not get to see him. Hopefully next time.

-I bought my ticket yesterday for NYC. 9/18-24! I am soooo excited and I hope that the trip will be outstanding. I am excited cause this country aint been that far up nawth before.

So much has taken place since the last time I wrote

For one, I have finally moved into the house (pics coming soon) and things are pretty cool. Things are really coming together with it and right now, the only downside is the fact that I have no cable. I realize my dependence on this trivial thing now. While living with my mom, the tv was constantly on if for nothing more than a backdrop to other things that I was doing. Since i have moved into the house and there is no cable, the tv is rarely on and I am forced to find other ways to entertain myself. I feel a little isolated from the world without the cable. Like there is shot going on and I know nothing about it. At any rate, i am in the process now of getting someone to come out and hook it up....if you know what I mean.

Why do we allow ourselves to get jealous over past lovers. I say "we" but this could be a problem that is exclusively mine. This comes up because the other day T told me that they were entertaining someone new and they even showed me a pic. I got real...weird. I mean, I don't want him. I don't! but at the same time I don't want him to be with anyone else either. I know I can't have it both ways but this is what I am dealing with now. I am trying to work through it by actually encouraging T to go out with ole boy. We shall see how it turns out.

the weekend was cool

I had a great time playing kickball....well, not playing kickball with all the people. It was a great time.

But as usual, when I left Atlanta i found myself wanting to move. Yeah, i know that everything that glitters aint gold but I really would like to try it. When I was a senior in high school, everybody who knew me knew that I was trying to live there. I remember making the declaration that if i didn't go to school, was moving to Atlanta. Well, I did go to school so my dreams of atl were deferred. When I was later asked to leave SCSU, the dream was on again and this time I even had a partner in crime. My boy D and I were working hard to make that thing happen but then another monkey wrench was thrown into the plan. My car broke down and all the money that I had saved($2000) for the move was put into the car. After that, I started to wonder if it was even in the cards for me to move and basically put it on the back burner.

Now I have a renewed interest to go. I've been playing around with the idea and here are some things that I have come up with:
-if i get fired from this gig, i am leaving
-i want to at least get my associates degree before i move. i can finish down there.
maybe it'll happen....

Cousins

Yesterday my cousin Keita called me to ask me if I would be going to her half sister, Toya's graduation and although I really wanted to, I couldn't since I had to work til 7pm. I did make it to the cookout afterward tho and when I arrived I was taken back down memory lane. It has been such a long time since my cousins and I have gotten together in one place. I remember when I was a yute, grandma Betty Jo's was the place to be. Since then we have all gotten grown, all of us don't really keep in touch like we should but yesterday was a nice rewind to the past.

If I were to think of my youth at my grandmother's house as a sit-com, I would be the star. That may not be accurate but since it is my perception, it is what it is. Actually, I would actually be a co-star with my cousin Keita.

Keita- My dear cousin that is more like a sister. This is because we both grew up as only children...kinda. I mean, she has siblings by her dad(my uncle) but she is her mom's only child. I remember looking up to her when we were younger. That seems odd, right? I am older than she but it seemed as if she was living a great life. I remember in middle school, she moved to Columbia(SC) and I moved to Lucedale(MS) but we stayed in touch with letters at least once a week. I never shared this with her but I remember looking forward to those letters like they were manna from heaven. I was so alone when I first moved to Mississippi and those letters kept me in a familiar place even though everything around me was new.
Now she is grown with a cool ass husband and two beautiful kids. They just got a new house and things seem to be looking great for their future. I was so happy when she and her husband decided to move from Columbia back to Greenville because I saw it as a chance for me to maybe get back into her life. I love that girl and I hope she knows it.

Brittney- This is Keita's sister(by her dad) and she was another character in "My Grandma's House". Brittney was always the quiet one and you never could really get an idea about what she really thought. She talked very little and this is a trait that she still has today. I remember that she was like the shadow for Keita and I growing up. Whenever we wanted to spend the night at Grandma's house, we would call and get her in on it too.
In high school, I moved back to Greenville from Lucedale to actually live with my grandmother and at this time, Brittney became my co-star. Keita was living in Columbia, going to a fabulous high school and not really coming back to Greenville too often so the show went on with Brittney and I.
Since she has gotten older, the relationship that we once had is gone. I don't know but it seems kinda weird when I talk to her now. I really don't know how to approach her. I think I still want to pick up where we left off but she is now a woman with 2 kids so that won't work. Things are just different now. I don't even really know her kids and I don't feel a pull toward them as I do with Keita's. I think that I will try to work on that relationship this year.

Toya- The youngest character on the show and all of the cousins were united in hate against her. She was the last grandchild born(at that time) and as such, received all the perks that come with that title. Hate is not the correct word to describe what I felt toward Toya when she was a child because I actually adored her. As a baby she was adorable and all I wanted to do was keep her happy. I think a better word for the feeling that I had was jealousy. It was as if she took my role when she was born. There was no hate tho.Just the regular feelings that most kids have I guess.
Now she is getting older. Graduated yesterday and I am kinda scared for her. No job and no real plans for the future so it makes me a little nervous.

So when I came home last night another of my cousins was sitting in our living room. I hadn't seen Desmond in a while so I was a little surprised. Seems that he has gotten into a little trouble for touching his little brother. This is a sticky situation and I am unsure how to even react to this. What I know for sure is that I don't want to see him ostracized by this. I mean, he is a young kid and as I always say, this type of behaviour does not come out of thin air. I believe that he is just acting out behavior that he was subjected to and therefore what we need to work on is breaking the cycle.

It is no secret that this type of thing happens in my family. My mom was molested by her step father while growing up and I even had encounters with an uncle when I was younger. It's like there is a virus that wants to run wild in the family and I believe it feeds on secrets and people ignoring it. I just hope that him living with us will be a good thing for him and it will help cause the healing process for the family. Who knows.

hmm...nothing much to speakon today

It is memorial day and I am at work. No big deal because I really don't anything to do today anyway. I really don't know anybody cooking out today so I will probably just go home when I get off at 2pm and find a "Law and Order" marathon(cause you know there is one on somewhere).

Talked to my boy BJ last night and we talked for about 2 hours. That was unusual because we don't usually talk at all. I think that both of us are still trying to fill the void that is left in our lives with the ;passing of Jamaco. It's hard and what really makes it a task is the fact that he was so much a part of our lives. Something that I mentioned to BJ last last night is something that I feel like going into on this blog today.

Jamaco was a very good friend of mine. I would go so far as to even say he was one of my best friends. I say one of my best friends because I think that after you got out of middle school, you no longer have the luxury of having just one best friend. Life starts to get complicated and there is just too much going on to have one person you deem a "best friend". You have to have friends that are specialized in certain areas of your life and Jamaco filled a specific area in mine. Now that he is gone I am forced to deal with this missing piece. As BJ and I were talking last night, an interesting situation that came about after Jamaco's came to my mind.

Actually, I thought I wanted to write about this but I don't.

I had an epiphany!!

The other day I was talking to my Homie "Martin" and as usual, started having the conversation about the "gay christian". He recently bought a book that he swears will be the key to end his struggle and asked me if I would read it with him. Of course I obliged because I am always in the mood for reading peoples perspective on this issue but I told him that I would be reading with my red pen of skepticism. Anyway, as the conversation wore on, we both eventually fell into our usual roles. He, the Christan man struggling to be straight and me, the christian man who does not think it's necessary to change his sexual orientation. We went on for a while and that's when it hit me!

There is not a spirit that MAKES you attracted to the same sex. There are only spirits that can capitalize on issues that are already in your own heart.

Wow....what a profound thought. It's what I have been trying to articulate for so long and on that day it just came. It's as if the thought was swimming at the surface of my consciousness but has never come up for air.....until that day.

OK, so why do I feel this way is probably what people would want to know. I mean, a statement like that flies in the face of all that we have been taught and heard about this issue for so long so how did I come to this? As I have said so many times before, I grew up hating myself because I thought God hated me. I will spare anyone who is reading this and not go into that story but I will just say that the one thing that really never sat well with me was that I felt that I was being punished for something that I had no control over. As far as I was concerned, my attraction was something that was natural to me. We won't even argue the point of being born gay or it happening later because the bottom line is that at this point in my life, I am attracted to men and it is all I have ever known.

What this statement does is take the burden off of the person to change their sexual orientation. The only thing that is necessary is to change are your acts. As I say all the time, I can't help what makes my dick hard but I can help what I do with my hard dick. Some may not feel this because it really puts one in a position to deny the flesh and what it wants and instead follow the will of God. What I am saying is that as a christian, you have to follow the bible and right now, I know for sure that the bible says we can't sleep with a man(Leviticus 18:22). It really never deals with the attraction. I think that most gay men would find it easier if the attraction were to just be lifted like a blanket and replaced with a healthy hetero appetite but the reality of a life with Christ is that we must suffer. This may mean that the attraction to a man may never go away but it is the responsibility of a person wanting to walk with God to adhere to the bible. This, I know is a slippery slope but until I get deeper in this, this is my surface solution. Sure I feel that my attraction to men is natural but that is no reason for me to act on it. Staying steadfast in the face of my temptation is what builds my character.

can I support this statement scriptural, sure:
Romans 1:24

24Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:

I am sure everyone has had Romans 1 thrown at them but what I noticed when I read is this part. It says "...through the lusts of their own hearts," and this, to me, means that the lust was in them. There was no spirit that turned them on to this lust, it was their own desire that led them to do the things they did. They did not practice self control as the bible urges us to. I am sure if I keep looking I will find more but for right now, I hope that will keep ya.

I think that it would just be absolutely unfair for the devil to be able to plant a spirit on you, and you have no control over it. In my limited research, I have found that most people believe that the only way to have a spirit possess or oppress you is to open a door....willingly. If this is the case, how would I, as a child, open a door to be oppressed by a demon of homosexuality that makes me attracted to the same sex. Wouldn't that be so unfair that before I even had the ability to fight off Satan, he was allowed to run amok in my life and I was helpless. Personally, I don't believe that it works like that. I am convinced that this attraction is natural to ma and the only thing that Satan can hope to do is capitalize on something that is already me.

Seems the church, up until this point, has found it so easy to blame everything on Satan or a spirit. what that actually does is take the person out of the equation and places the blame for their actions on something outside of themselves. Wouldn't that make life so much easier if we did not have to be held accountable for out actions and instead were able to blame them on the devil. It's a cop out, in my opinion.

I feel like talking about Ted today

So i will. Let's just see where this goes.

I don't know why but the Ted Haggard situation is a subject that I could talk about forever. I just think it is so interesting how his fall from grace played out and there are a lot of things that can be gleaned from it.

First off, let me start by saying that when I first heard the allegations, i was unsure weather to believe it or not. Actually, that's not entirely true. I think that when I first heard it I automatically assumed that he was guilty. I always do that when I hear those types of rumors about people. So yeah, after it came out I was just really interested in how it would turn out. I was thinking that if it turned out that these allegations were true and he was, in fact, gay and carrying on an illicit affair with a male prostitute, it would force main stream Christianity to deal with the issue of homosexuality in the church. It seems that the way homosexuality is viewed in the church is that either you are gay and on your way to hell or you are saved and you have been delivered from that foul spirit of homosexuality. I am living proof that things are not that simple.

There is no room in the church today for a guy like me. A guy who knows that he is saved but at the same time, still deals with an attraction to males. I mean, if I were really saved, that would be taken away from me, right? If I had truly had an encounter with God, he would have made me "whole" and this would not even be an issue for me and since it is still an issue, I must have had a counterfeit experience. I could really go into this issue but for right now, i better stick to Ted.

Anyway, I thought that if the things that the male escort was saying about Mr.Haggerd were true, it would force a conversation. If all gay people were really devils and there was no hope for them unless they become straight, how would we explain Ted? No one can deny his success in ministry. He had a large growing church and was in key positions on many committees in his area. Hey, he was also a guy who was close with Mr.Bush! He in no way fit the bill of the "evil" homosexual that church people believe is out there. How could an evil man do so much good? The fact that he was the head of a very big church and apparently had the ear of God but still got caught in scandal had to make people look at homosexuality again. Maybe it wasn't as cut and dry as many would have you believe. Maybe gay people aren't that evil. But alas, I was wrong. No conversation ever came about and in the end, ol' boy Ted kinda bitched up.

He finally admitted that he had been involved and instead of him trying to spark the seeds of reconsideration, he allowed the church to back him into a hole. Homeboy came clean and then resigned! Now don't get me wrong because I am in no way condoning the things that he did cause dude was wrong. Not that he was gay but the fact that he lead a double life and was deceiving his wife, kids, and his congregation. The problem was not that he was gay. Instead the problem was that he was not living his life authentically being himself. I know that is kind of hard when you have this image to maintain and this position to keep but i figured that when he found himself surrounded by his crumbled empire, he would have finally had the courage to accept who he was and deal with it. Nope, he instead decided to go to counseling for 3 weeks and come out straight. Ha.

this is enough for now.

Yay!

So a while ago, I had this idea.

I actually sing in a group and we are right now in the process of getting money together so that we can go in the studio. There are many ways to come up with money and some of the people in the group were thinking along the lines of hotdog sales and selling candy and things like that. I am not really for all of that. Well, the idea of putting together some kind of show came into play and my gears started turning. Now, the person in the group that suggested this was talking along the lines of a simple church program. The kind where you round up a few groups and invite the people to come and then you take up an offering. I think that is ok but I was thinking a little bigger.

Let me stop right here and say that I have met a lot of people in my life and now I realize that these meeting are never coincidence. After we started talking about doing a program, I started thinking on a bigger scale. How about doing a concert! I started thinking that we could put on a concert and that would be a great way to make big money. Who would we invite? Well, just so happens that I know of of the background singers for Christopher Lewis. Who is he? You may not know him but he is a super great gospel singer but he don't have a churchy sound.....just like us! The wheels started turning and I got on it to see what I could do.

Anyway, Last night I get a call from my boy who sings with Chris. He lets me know that he talked to Chris and he would love to see what we are talking about. So excited about it in fact that he sent me an e-mail with his numbers. Wow! This stuff is really coming together. This story could be so much more detailed but I am just real excited right now.

My 'Check Engine' light is back on again

I should have gotten a carfax report on this car before I got it but I just thought that the deal was too good to be true. Maybe it was. Last time I took it to the shop about the engine light, I ended up paying $300 just to have some spark plugs changed and some new wires.

I was 1min late to work this morning. That seems insignificant but actually, I am not supposed to be late, at all, anymore. I hope that this will just slide through the cracks.

Watched "Sometimes in April" last night and cried again. That movie always gets to me and just opens up a flood gate of emotion. Idris Elba really did a great job in that film.

It was amazingly easy

to get off meat. After the dramatics of that master cleanser, I think that my body is just happy to be eating anything. It really doesn't matter that I have had no meat. So the new goals are:
>No meat
>No sugar
>No soda
>No fast food
>6 meals a day
I am also keeping a food journal so that I can keep track of what I eat. I really don't know what the good of that is but all kinds of people keep telling me that I need to do that....oh well.

So my lit teacher hooked me up. He is allowing me a whole month to finish the assignments that I still need to complete. I really think ole boy gets down and maybe that is why he is being nice to me. I really don't think that can be the case because there is no way that he could know about me.....unless he just has that sense. Sometime I think that I can tell about others. Naw, I know I can tell about others. Every time I have ever had a hunch about somebody, it has been true....except for the few that aren't confirmed but they will come around soon. Maybe he can just sense it on me. I don't know but what I do know is that homeboy hooked me up.

We might be going out tonight....I haven't decided yet. I have not seen him since December and this will be a big thing. I still haven't decided yet.

I really messed up this semester

I mean, I really messed up. I only hope that my good grades at the start of this semester can help me out. I mean, I hope that my teachers can see that I do have potential and will grant me an incomplete so that I can start over next semester. Everybody touch and agree with me so that I can get this incomplete this semester.

Fast over

I made it to day 7 and then I had to stop. I just got tired and that "lemon-aid" was getting nasty. I am now going to implement healthy lifestyle changes so that I can really get myself together.

Allow me to just put some thoughts out right quick:

So everybody knows that I am the christian homo and that I have been trying to reconcile those two extremes. Here are some of my new revaluations.
At this point in my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am gay. That word causes a lot of problems in today's society and I am convinced that it all stems from peoples perception of what that word means. It's all the things that are now associated with it. What this word means for me is that I simply have an attraction to men. I've had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I would say that I was born with it but I know what troubles that statement brings up so I will just settle and say it is all I have ever known.
Once upon a time I hated myself because of this attraction. I mean, good "christian" boys don't have those thoughts, do they? I figured that the only reason for my existence was so that I could be kindling in Hell. That had to be what I was made for because I kept getting prayed for and those feelings wouldn't leave. I was born for hell, so I thought.
At the age of 24, I stared on this journey to find out what God really expected of me. I had already come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, gay and at that point there was really nothing that I could do about it. I was starting to get over the thoughts that God hated me and what I wanted was a clear idea of what God wanted from be given my situation. There were plenty of pastors saying "turn away" but on the real, that wasn't practical. They said it as if you could just make up your mind and change your attraction. Of course there were those "Ex-Gay" ministries that were telling people that they could achieve straightness. I had heard too many horror stories about that stuff and honestly, I wondered what "straight" meant to them. Was it just about actions? No, non of that was for me. If I was going to get anything, I decided that it would have to come directly from the God.
I found a great church and it was electrifying. I had turned away from the church for a while but this pastor was bringing me back alive. His words hit my heart and for the first time in my life, I saw how the word of God really applied to my life. I joined the church and I started to get involved. I got so involved that I started to believe that God actually had a purpose for my life. This was a problem because I still had this issue to deal with. I reached out to the Asst. pastor to see how I should proceed. I felt that this church was the place that I needed to be but I had to see where they stood on this issue. Depending on what I got from him, I would have to either conform my views or walk away from the church. The talk with him was ordered by God and what it actually did was fuel the fire in me that needed to get some real clarity on this issue.
Since then, this is where I am with it.
-I am saved and a child of God
-When the bible speaks of homosexuality, it must be speaking of the act and not the attraction because I cannot help my attraction but I can help my actions.
-The attraction is not the problem, it is what I do because of the attraction that is the problem.
-My getting into heaven is not dependent on me being straight
-Deliverance is a decision. It is the decision not to do what my flesh wants to do and instead do what God has called me to do.
-I would never rule out the idea of God making me straight, I just don't waste time dwelling on it. If I am never straight, I will still do what He has called me to do.

So that is what I have come to thus far. One of these day I will write a book. There is a lot more to this that I could write but for now I will leave it at this.

day 5

I just had a thought. I don't think that I will title any more of my blog entries by the fast day that I am on. People may start to think that that is the only thing that is going on in my life....and it's not! As a matter of fact, yesterday I went to the movies and saw "The Reaping"
Great movie!! Well, I thought it was a great movie. It contained 2 ingredients that always make a beautiful scary movie for me.
1) Plot had heavy biblical base
2) Strong occult references
.....I know right but hey, that's what I like. I don't know why but for a movie to really be scary to me, it needs to have that God vs. satan factor. I mean....I don't believe in boogie men and things like that but I do believe in the battle for our soul. Here's what always gets me about these movies tho: They always portray God/Jesus as if he is weak. Like satan actually has a fighting chance in a battle. Especially if the religion of choice in the movie is Catholicism (see "The Exorcist). Catholics basically have no power when fighting evil forces and they make it look as if God barely helps them. As a non-catholic, I am taught that whenever the adversary comes against us, we can make him flee with the name of Jesus. I want to make a horror movie that uses all this but what I would add is Jesus....nobody ever uses him. They always refer to God and they always use old testament scriptures. The only movie I ever saw that actually Incorporated the power of Jesus was "Def By Temptation". I think that's why that movie scared me so much as a yute. I can relate to it. I grew up in a church with demons being cast out and what not. Anyway, the movie was great. Scared the hell out of me.

After the movie I decided to visit my cousin Keita. I love that chick. She is more like my sister than my cousin because we both grew up as only children with crazy single moms. We are 1 year apart(me older) and we basically grew up together until she moved to Colombia maybe in the 3rd or 4th grade. Then I moved to Mississippi in the 7th grade but we stayed in touch through letters. I wonder if she still has any. I wonder what I did with mine. So life goes on and so did we and it seems that we basically lost our closeness. Well since we have grown up, we have both ended up back in Grenville and now she has a little family of her own. I am hoping that we can get that closeness again.

While I was a their house yesterday, I went into detail about the fast. I told her what I was ingesting and she bust out laughing.....She said that the ingredients* sounded like a bunch of condiments. I had to admit, that was funny. We both laughed for a good 10mins off that.


*ingredients in the lemon aid for fast
-lemon or lime juice
-maple syrup
-cayenne pepper
all mixed with water