Cousins

Yesterday my cousin Keita called me to ask me if I would be going to her half sister, Toya's graduation and although I really wanted to, I couldn't since I had to work til 7pm. I did make it to the cookout afterward tho and when I arrived I was taken back down memory lane. It has been such a long time since my cousins and I have gotten together in one place. I remember when I was a yute, grandma Betty Jo's was the place to be. Since then we have all gotten grown, all of us don't really keep in touch like we should but yesterday was a nice rewind to the past.

If I were to think of my youth at my grandmother's house as a sit-com, I would be the star. That may not be accurate but since it is my perception, it is what it is. Actually, I would actually be a co-star with my cousin Keita.

Keita- My dear cousin that is more like a sister. This is because we both grew up as only children...kinda. I mean, she has siblings by her dad(my uncle) but she is her mom's only child. I remember looking up to her when we were younger. That seems odd, right? I am older than she but it seemed as if she was living a great life. I remember in middle school, she moved to Columbia(SC) and I moved to Lucedale(MS) but we stayed in touch with letters at least once a week. I never shared this with her but I remember looking forward to those letters like they were manna from heaven. I was so alone when I first moved to Mississippi and those letters kept me in a familiar place even though everything around me was new.
Now she is grown with a cool ass husband and two beautiful kids. They just got a new house and things seem to be looking great for their future. I was so happy when she and her husband decided to move from Columbia back to Greenville because I saw it as a chance for me to maybe get back into her life. I love that girl and I hope she knows it.

Brittney- This is Keita's sister(by her dad) and she was another character in "My Grandma's House". Brittney was always the quiet one and you never could really get an idea about what she really thought. She talked very little and this is a trait that she still has today. I remember that she was like the shadow for Keita and I growing up. Whenever we wanted to spend the night at Grandma's house, we would call and get her in on it too.
In high school, I moved back to Greenville from Lucedale to actually live with my grandmother and at this time, Brittney became my co-star. Keita was living in Columbia, going to a fabulous high school and not really coming back to Greenville too often so the show went on with Brittney and I.
Since she has gotten older, the relationship that we once had is gone. I don't know but it seems kinda weird when I talk to her now. I really don't know how to approach her. I think I still want to pick up where we left off but she is now a woman with 2 kids so that won't work. Things are just different now. I don't even really know her kids and I don't feel a pull toward them as I do with Keita's. I think that I will try to work on that relationship this year.

Toya- The youngest character on the show and all of the cousins were united in hate against her. She was the last grandchild born(at that time) and as such, received all the perks that come with that title. Hate is not the correct word to describe what I felt toward Toya when she was a child because I actually adored her. As a baby she was adorable and all I wanted to do was keep her happy. I think a better word for the feeling that I had was jealousy. It was as if she took my role when she was born. There was no hate tho.Just the regular feelings that most kids have I guess.
Now she is getting older. Graduated yesterday and I am kinda scared for her. No job and no real plans for the future so it makes me a little nervous.

So when I came home last night another of my cousins was sitting in our living room. I hadn't seen Desmond in a while so I was a little surprised. Seems that he has gotten into a little trouble for touching his little brother. This is a sticky situation and I am unsure how to even react to this. What I know for sure is that I don't want to see him ostracized by this. I mean, he is a young kid and as I always say, this type of behaviour does not come out of thin air. I believe that he is just acting out behavior that he was subjected to and therefore what we need to work on is breaking the cycle.

It is no secret that this type of thing happens in my family. My mom was molested by her step father while growing up and I even had encounters with an uncle when I was younger. It's like there is a virus that wants to run wild in the family and I believe it feeds on secrets and people ignoring it. I just hope that him living with us will be a good thing for him and it will help cause the healing process for the family. Who knows.

hmm...nothing much to speakon today

It is memorial day and I am at work. No big deal because I really don't anything to do today anyway. I really don't know anybody cooking out today so I will probably just go home when I get off at 2pm and find a "Law and Order" marathon(cause you know there is one on somewhere).

Talked to my boy BJ last night and we talked for about 2 hours. That was unusual because we don't usually talk at all. I think that both of us are still trying to fill the void that is left in our lives with the ;passing of Jamaco. It's hard and what really makes it a task is the fact that he was so much a part of our lives. Something that I mentioned to BJ last last night is something that I feel like going into on this blog today.

Jamaco was a very good friend of mine. I would go so far as to even say he was one of my best friends. I say one of my best friends because I think that after you got out of middle school, you no longer have the luxury of having just one best friend. Life starts to get complicated and there is just too much going on to have one person you deem a "best friend". You have to have friends that are specialized in certain areas of your life and Jamaco filled a specific area in mine. Now that he is gone I am forced to deal with this missing piece. As BJ and I were talking last night, an interesting situation that came about after Jamaco's came to my mind.

Actually, I thought I wanted to write about this but I don't.

I had an epiphany!!

The other day I was talking to my Homie "Martin" and as usual, started having the conversation about the "gay christian". He recently bought a book that he swears will be the key to end his struggle and asked me if I would read it with him. Of course I obliged because I am always in the mood for reading peoples perspective on this issue but I told him that I would be reading with my red pen of skepticism. Anyway, as the conversation wore on, we both eventually fell into our usual roles. He, the Christan man struggling to be straight and me, the christian man who does not think it's necessary to change his sexual orientation. We went on for a while and that's when it hit me!

There is not a spirit that MAKES you attracted to the same sex. There are only spirits that can capitalize on issues that are already in your own heart.

Wow....what a profound thought. It's what I have been trying to articulate for so long and on that day it just came. It's as if the thought was swimming at the surface of my consciousness but has never come up for air.....until that day.

OK, so why do I feel this way is probably what people would want to know. I mean, a statement like that flies in the face of all that we have been taught and heard about this issue for so long so how did I come to this? As I have said so many times before, I grew up hating myself because I thought God hated me. I will spare anyone who is reading this and not go into that story but I will just say that the one thing that really never sat well with me was that I felt that I was being punished for something that I had no control over. As far as I was concerned, my attraction was something that was natural to me. We won't even argue the point of being born gay or it happening later because the bottom line is that at this point in my life, I am attracted to men and it is all I have ever known.

What this statement does is take the burden off of the person to change their sexual orientation. The only thing that is necessary is to change are your acts. As I say all the time, I can't help what makes my dick hard but I can help what I do with my hard dick. Some may not feel this because it really puts one in a position to deny the flesh and what it wants and instead follow the will of God. What I am saying is that as a christian, you have to follow the bible and right now, I know for sure that the bible says we can't sleep with a man(Leviticus 18:22). It really never deals with the attraction. I think that most gay men would find it easier if the attraction were to just be lifted like a blanket and replaced with a healthy hetero appetite but the reality of a life with Christ is that we must suffer. This may mean that the attraction to a man may never go away but it is the responsibility of a person wanting to walk with God to adhere to the bible. This, I know is a slippery slope but until I get deeper in this, this is my surface solution. Sure I feel that my attraction to men is natural but that is no reason for me to act on it. Staying steadfast in the face of my temptation is what builds my character.

can I support this statement scriptural, sure:
Romans 1:24

24Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:

I am sure everyone has had Romans 1 thrown at them but what I noticed when I read is this part. It says "...through the lusts of their own hearts," and this, to me, means that the lust was in them. There was no spirit that turned them on to this lust, it was their own desire that led them to do the things they did. They did not practice self control as the bible urges us to. I am sure if I keep looking I will find more but for right now, I hope that will keep ya.

I think that it would just be absolutely unfair for the devil to be able to plant a spirit on you, and you have no control over it. In my limited research, I have found that most people believe that the only way to have a spirit possess or oppress you is to open a door....willingly. If this is the case, how would I, as a child, open a door to be oppressed by a demon of homosexuality that makes me attracted to the same sex. Wouldn't that be so unfair that before I even had the ability to fight off Satan, he was allowed to run amok in my life and I was helpless. Personally, I don't believe that it works like that. I am convinced that this attraction is natural to ma and the only thing that Satan can hope to do is capitalize on something that is already me.

Seems the church, up until this point, has found it so easy to blame everything on Satan or a spirit. what that actually does is take the person out of the equation and places the blame for their actions on something outside of themselves. Wouldn't that make life so much easier if we did not have to be held accountable for out actions and instead were able to blame them on the devil. It's a cop out, in my opinion.

I feel like talking about Ted today

So i will. Let's just see where this goes.

I don't know why but the Ted Haggard situation is a subject that I could talk about forever. I just think it is so interesting how his fall from grace played out and there are a lot of things that can be gleaned from it.

First off, let me start by saying that when I first heard the allegations, i was unsure weather to believe it or not. Actually, that's not entirely true. I think that when I first heard it I automatically assumed that he was guilty. I always do that when I hear those types of rumors about people. So yeah, after it came out I was just really interested in how it would turn out. I was thinking that if it turned out that these allegations were true and he was, in fact, gay and carrying on an illicit affair with a male prostitute, it would force main stream Christianity to deal with the issue of homosexuality in the church. It seems that the way homosexuality is viewed in the church is that either you are gay and on your way to hell or you are saved and you have been delivered from that foul spirit of homosexuality. I am living proof that things are not that simple.

There is no room in the church today for a guy like me. A guy who knows that he is saved but at the same time, still deals with an attraction to males. I mean, if I were really saved, that would be taken away from me, right? If I had truly had an encounter with God, he would have made me "whole" and this would not even be an issue for me and since it is still an issue, I must have had a counterfeit experience. I could really go into this issue but for right now, i better stick to Ted.

Anyway, I thought that if the things that the male escort was saying about Mr.Haggerd were true, it would force a conversation. If all gay people were really devils and there was no hope for them unless they become straight, how would we explain Ted? No one can deny his success in ministry. He had a large growing church and was in key positions on many committees in his area. Hey, he was also a guy who was close with Mr.Bush! He in no way fit the bill of the "evil" homosexual that church people believe is out there. How could an evil man do so much good? The fact that he was the head of a very big church and apparently had the ear of God but still got caught in scandal had to make people look at homosexuality again. Maybe it wasn't as cut and dry as many would have you believe. Maybe gay people aren't that evil. But alas, I was wrong. No conversation ever came about and in the end, ol' boy Ted kinda bitched up.

He finally admitted that he had been involved and instead of him trying to spark the seeds of reconsideration, he allowed the church to back him into a hole. Homeboy came clean and then resigned! Now don't get me wrong because I am in no way condoning the things that he did cause dude was wrong. Not that he was gay but the fact that he lead a double life and was deceiving his wife, kids, and his congregation. The problem was not that he was gay. Instead the problem was that he was not living his life authentically being himself. I know that is kind of hard when you have this image to maintain and this position to keep but i figured that when he found himself surrounded by his crumbled empire, he would have finally had the courage to accept who he was and deal with it. Nope, he instead decided to go to counseling for 3 weeks and come out straight. Ha.

this is enough for now.

Yay!

So a while ago, I had this idea.

I actually sing in a group and we are right now in the process of getting money together so that we can go in the studio. There are many ways to come up with money and some of the people in the group were thinking along the lines of hotdog sales and selling candy and things like that. I am not really for all of that. Well, the idea of putting together some kind of show came into play and my gears started turning. Now, the person in the group that suggested this was talking along the lines of a simple church program. The kind where you round up a few groups and invite the people to come and then you take up an offering. I think that is ok but I was thinking a little bigger.

Let me stop right here and say that I have met a lot of people in my life and now I realize that these meeting are never coincidence. After we started talking about doing a program, I started thinking on a bigger scale. How about doing a concert! I started thinking that we could put on a concert and that would be a great way to make big money. Who would we invite? Well, just so happens that I know of of the background singers for Christopher Lewis. Who is he? You may not know him but he is a super great gospel singer but he don't have a churchy sound.....just like us! The wheels started turning and I got on it to see what I could do.

Anyway, Last night I get a call from my boy who sings with Chris. He lets me know that he talked to Chris and he would love to see what we are talking about. So excited about it in fact that he sent me an e-mail with his numbers. Wow! This stuff is really coming together. This story could be so much more detailed but I am just real excited right now.

My 'Check Engine' light is back on again

I should have gotten a carfax report on this car before I got it but I just thought that the deal was too good to be true. Maybe it was. Last time I took it to the shop about the engine light, I ended up paying $300 just to have some spark plugs changed and some new wires.

I was 1min late to work this morning. That seems insignificant but actually, I am not supposed to be late, at all, anymore. I hope that this will just slide through the cracks.

Watched "Sometimes in April" last night and cried again. That movie always gets to me and just opens up a flood gate of emotion. Idris Elba really did a great job in that film.

It was amazingly easy

to get off meat. After the dramatics of that master cleanser, I think that my body is just happy to be eating anything. It really doesn't matter that I have had no meat. So the new goals are:
>No meat
>No sugar
>No soda
>No fast food
>6 meals a day
I am also keeping a food journal so that I can keep track of what I eat. I really don't know what the good of that is but all kinds of people keep telling me that I need to do that....oh well.

So my lit teacher hooked me up. He is allowing me a whole month to finish the assignments that I still need to complete. I really think ole boy gets down and maybe that is why he is being nice to me. I really don't think that can be the case because there is no way that he could know about me.....unless he just has that sense. Sometime I think that I can tell about others. Naw, I know I can tell about others. Every time I have ever had a hunch about somebody, it has been true....except for the few that aren't confirmed but they will come around soon. Maybe he can just sense it on me. I don't know but what I do know is that homeboy hooked me up.

We might be going out tonight....I haven't decided yet. I have not seen him since December and this will be a big thing. I still haven't decided yet.

I really messed up this semester

I mean, I really messed up. I only hope that my good grades at the start of this semester can help me out. I mean, I hope that my teachers can see that I do have potential and will grant me an incomplete so that I can start over next semester. Everybody touch and agree with me so that I can get this incomplete this semester.

Fast over

I made it to day 7 and then I had to stop. I just got tired and that "lemon-aid" was getting nasty. I am now going to implement healthy lifestyle changes so that I can really get myself together.

Allow me to just put some thoughts out right quick:

So everybody knows that I am the christian homo and that I have been trying to reconcile those two extremes. Here are some of my new revaluations.
At this point in my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am gay. That word causes a lot of problems in today's society and I am convinced that it all stems from peoples perception of what that word means. It's all the things that are now associated with it. What this word means for me is that I simply have an attraction to men. I've had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I would say that I was born with it but I know what troubles that statement brings up so I will just settle and say it is all I have ever known.
Once upon a time I hated myself because of this attraction. I mean, good "christian" boys don't have those thoughts, do they? I figured that the only reason for my existence was so that I could be kindling in Hell. That had to be what I was made for because I kept getting prayed for and those feelings wouldn't leave. I was born for hell, so I thought.
At the age of 24, I stared on this journey to find out what God really expected of me. I had already come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, gay and at that point there was really nothing that I could do about it. I was starting to get over the thoughts that God hated me and what I wanted was a clear idea of what God wanted from be given my situation. There were plenty of pastors saying "turn away" but on the real, that wasn't practical. They said it as if you could just make up your mind and change your attraction. Of course there were those "Ex-Gay" ministries that were telling people that they could achieve straightness. I had heard too many horror stories about that stuff and honestly, I wondered what "straight" meant to them. Was it just about actions? No, non of that was for me. If I was going to get anything, I decided that it would have to come directly from the God.
I found a great church and it was electrifying. I had turned away from the church for a while but this pastor was bringing me back alive. His words hit my heart and for the first time in my life, I saw how the word of God really applied to my life. I joined the church and I started to get involved. I got so involved that I started to believe that God actually had a purpose for my life. This was a problem because I still had this issue to deal with. I reached out to the Asst. pastor to see how I should proceed. I felt that this church was the place that I needed to be but I had to see where they stood on this issue. Depending on what I got from him, I would have to either conform my views or walk away from the church. The talk with him was ordered by God and what it actually did was fuel the fire in me that needed to get some real clarity on this issue.
Since then, this is where I am with it.
-I am saved and a child of God
-When the bible speaks of homosexuality, it must be speaking of the act and not the attraction because I cannot help my attraction but I can help my actions.
-The attraction is not the problem, it is what I do because of the attraction that is the problem.
-My getting into heaven is not dependent on me being straight
-Deliverance is a decision. It is the decision not to do what my flesh wants to do and instead do what God has called me to do.
-I would never rule out the idea of God making me straight, I just don't waste time dwelling on it. If I am never straight, I will still do what He has called me to do.

So that is what I have come to thus far. One of these day I will write a book. There is a lot more to this that I could write but for now I will leave it at this.

day 5

I just had a thought. I don't think that I will title any more of my blog entries by the fast day that I am on. People may start to think that that is the only thing that is going on in my life....and it's not! As a matter of fact, yesterday I went to the movies and saw "The Reaping"
Great movie!! Well, I thought it was a great movie. It contained 2 ingredients that always make a beautiful scary movie for me.
1) Plot had heavy biblical base
2) Strong occult references
.....I know right but hey, that's what I like. I don't know why but for a movie to really be scary to me, it needs to have that God vs. satan factor. I mean....I don't believe in boogie men and things like that but I do believe in the battle for our soul. Here's what always gets me about these movies tho: They always portray God/Jesus as if he is weak. Like satan actually has a fighting chance in a battle. Especially if the religion of choice in the movie is Catholicism (see "The Exorcist). Catholics basically have no power when fighting evil forces and they make it look as if God barely helps them. As a non-catholic, I am taught that whenever the adversary comes against us, we can make him flee with the name of Jesus. I want to make a horror movie that uses all this but what I would add is Jesus....nobody ever uses him. They always refer to God and they always use old testament scriptures. The only movie I ever saw that actually Incorporated the power of Jesus was "Def By Temptation". I think that's why that movie scared me so much as a yute. I can relate to it. I grew up in a church with demons being cast out and what not. Anyway, the movie was great. Scared the hell out of me.

After the movie I decided to visit my cousin Keita. I love that chick. She is more like my sister than my cousin because we both grew up as only children with crazy single moms. We are 1 year apart(me older) and we basically grew up together until she moved to Colombia maybe in the 3rd or 4th grade. Then I moved to Mississippi in the 7th grade but we stayed in touch through letters. I wonder if she still has any. I wonder what I did with mine. So life goes on and so did we and it seems that we basically lost our closeness. Well since we have grown up, we have both ended up back in Grenville and now she has a little family of her own. I am hoping that we can get that closeness again.

While I was a their house yesterday, I went into detail about the fast. I told her what I was ingesting and she bust out laughing.....She said that the ingredients* sounded like a bunch of condiments. I had to admit, that was funny. We both laughed for a good 10mins off that.


*ingredients in the lemon aid for fast
-lemon or lime juice
-maple syrup
-cayenne pepper
all mixed with water

People are eating

and I feel like they are doing it in my face. Fried chicken and such. I have not been hungry until today. And wow am I hungry. I hope this subsides. and why do I keep sneezing?

day 3 and the start of day 4.

I was off yesterday so I was really looking forward to some rest and I got that. The day was pretty regular even though I was a little apprehensive about it. I mean, people are always talking about how day 3 is the hardest. So far, this time, it's been day one. After that, everything else has been smooth.

I am really doing something really stupid as far as school goes right now but at this point I am too far to go back. It's so dumb that I don't even want to have record of it on this blog. I keep trying to not think about it because if I don't think about it, it really didn't happen. I am being really stupid right now.

Spiritual talk:
So last night, I woke up at about 12am and I could not go back to sleep. Usually when this happens I assume that God would like to speak with me so I pray. It's so sad but I don't really pray on a regular. It's something that I want to get more into but at this point I am real slack. Anyway, I had an epiphany last night: Jesus is my purpose.
So what that means to me is that the only reason that I am on this earth is to show his love. To show how he loves me. To show that if he can love me surely he can love you. All the things that I have been through in my life were designed so that I could proclaim his love(deep ain't it). I am because he is.

Today is cool so far. Not hungry in the least but I do miss eating. Only because I realize that eating is not just something that we do to sustain our lives, it is also a social activity. At least it is that way in America. Maybe that is the reason all of us are so fat. yesterday I saw on the news where they want to pass legislation that will dictate what kids can have for lunch at school because they are so fat. I really think that:
#1 it is not really the governments responsibility to regulate what kids can and cannot eat. What about the parents? I mean, you curb them at school but what about when they go home?
#2 the parents are the ones who need to be educated. If they are taught to make healthy choices then the kids would.
All this government involvement is really a waste of time to me. the committee that they put together to research this could have been researching a way to end homelessness and poverty in America.

Day Number 3

And things are going well.
kinda tired right now so I will do details about today, tomorrow.

yesterday was the worst

I started off with a irritation in my throat so I thought that I was coming down with something. By the end of my work day, all I wanted to do was go home and lie down. I did that, I started getting chills and I was thinking that I was getting the flu. Again, some would say that it was just my body reacting to the shock of the fast. All those toxins fighting this healthy choice.

At about 10pm last night I decided to do the lax tea. My stomach was a bit funny but I knew I had to do it. I also had a little bit of the lemon aid left so I was gonna down that too. I also bought a Brita pitcher yesterday so I wanted to see what the water tasted like. I proceeded to down the rest of the lemon aid. Then I downed the tea. Then I downed the water. I down for a minute, then I stood up. I could feel my stomach reacting. I was thinking that I was gonna throw up but I tried to stop it. I was unsuccessful. Projectile vomit all over my room. The good thing about it tho was that it was only water. Not too hard to clean up. Funny thing about it tho is that after I did that, I felt 100% better.

Woke up this morning at about 6:30 and I was a little angry because I know that I need at least an hour for the salt water cleanse. Since I usually leave the house around 7:30, I was scared that I would not have enough time. Everything worked out. It's like peeing through your but.

This morning I read a psalm and it was talking about a unicorn. The bible is crazy.

As I type this, I feel terrible

First off, all those apples I ate yesterday in preparation for today did a number on my stomach. This morning as I was making the lemon aid, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen and had to run to the bathroom. The contents rushed out of my bowels as soon as I was over the seat. I hardly had enough time to sit down. I forgot apples/apple juice make me go.....I had 7 of 'em.

Right now I feel yucky. I just feel "blah". My stomach keeps doing these rolls and I have a slight irritation in my throat. You know that feeling you get right before you get a sore throat? That's what I feel right now. I am wondering if maybe I should have waited before the fast.

Now, some people would say that the reason that I am feeling so bad is because my body is so toxic. I have a nagging, dull pain in my chest right now and all I want to do is go to sleep. This is just the first day! So, as I was saying, many people believe that the worse a person feels during detox, the worse shape they were in. All this bad shit is struggling as it leaves my body. I guess the good thing is that it is going. Usually the first couple of days are hard but I am feeling in a way today. There is also pain in my back. This is the first day!

detox

Today is the first day of the master cleanse detox. I have done this already a few times but I plan to make this my most successful. I don't really have a set number of days that I will do it. I think that I will just keep going until I just can't go anymore. I already feel my body working against me. This morning I woke up and had to immediately run to the bathroom cause I had the squirts something terrible. I guess that it could have something to do with the fact that I ate 7 apples yesterday as a way to prepare myself for this fast.

What do I want from this.......that is a very good question. I guess first and foremost I want to just detox so that I can get a fresh start with the diet and exercise routine. I been killing myself lately with my horrible eating habits and I just need a start over. And since I believe that all fast have, or can have a spiritual element, I also want to take advantage of that. There are just a few things that me and God need to get on and understand.

I plan to dramatically limit tv and phone convo. I find that most of the time those two things will take me off my game when I am trying to fast. Hoping that I get a lot of writing done and I plan to write here at least once a day. I want to write letters too.
Marcus
Clarence
we'll see what happens.

I think that I started this one off sloppy but I am not gonna let that make me change my mind. If I can just make it to the 3rd day, I will be cool . 1,2, and 3 are the hardest for me but after that, I am cool.

Darien Brockington....is that your real name?

I meant to ask him that when I met him on saturday night. I was a little buzzed so i couldn't remember everything I wanted to say to him. I don't know why but I remember his hands being so soft. I don't understand why that stands out so much to me.

It's sometimes such a pleasure to meet OKP's. Sometimes they really are the same online, on the phone and, in person. Sometimes it makes me think that I am really glad that I keep going on that site because I keep meeting cool people. Sometimes.

And while I am on it, how in the hell do you approach someone that you have seen online? I mean, yall aint cool or anything but chatted up a few times on a message board and you have seen their pic online. Can you approach without looking like a stalker. I don't think so and this is why I did not approach any on saturday. I saw so many people that I knew from OKP but I am not the one to look like an herb. As I write this i am recalling that I did wave at one of these internet people that I don't really know and I bet he was on some, "who the hell is that".........i feel so dumb right now as I think about it. The hell I wave for?

Watching Darien on stage got me thinking about doing that. Second time this week that I have had these thoughts. It's funny cause I actually have 2 life paths running in my head at the same time. On one path I am finishing up school, teaching for a few years and finally becoming a writter or something. On the other I am pursuing a career in music and making it as a singer and then a songwriter. I can see both of these for myself and at this point I am working at both. I sometimes feel like I am cheating on them.

I did that thing today, that I said I wouldn't

I have yet another new trainee and as always, I am all up in her business. Whenever I get one and they are black, I just somehow end up in their affairs. It's not a bad thing cause I love to try out my pseudo-psychology but what I always find is that the other party always wants a trade off. If they tell me what is going on in their life, they feel that I should also be telling about mine. Of course we all know that shit is not that simple. I got to work here!!

Anyway, the new chick is having problem in her relationship so you know that I was ready to give advice. I gave her some jewels (if i do say so myself) but after I did, she wanted to know my credentials. She wanted to know about my relationship experience.......so I told her my story, being ever so careful to use "they" and "them" as opposed to "he" and "him". That was going well but today I did the shit that I said I would never do........I used "she" for "he"

OK, so some might say that this is no big deal but it is to me. I tell folks all the time how I refuse to let people put me in boxes that make them comfortable while suffocating me so to use the pronoun "she" makes me look hypocritical. After I told my mom about the real me, I was determined that I would always be authentic. No more lies for me. For the most part I have done this....but then again, it's not really hard when people don't ask you.

So why did I do it? I could say that it was to make her comfortable because I could sense that she had already put me in the "straight" box. I didn't want to shatter her world. I think the truth is that no matter how much I say I don't want to be in boxes, sometimes the boxes are comfortable. It's so effortless to allow people to think that I am straight and really, it's just as easy to go that extra step. No explanation about how I can be gay and call myself a christian. No answering dumb questions like, "How can you do that?" Sometimes it's just easier to be put in the box. Although, if you think about it, by me saying "she" instead of "he", it's like I took the box from her and just climbed in.

I said that I wanted to be comfortable with me no matter how others felt but the truth is, how others feel is still important to me. I feel like I would have no problems saying "yes" if someone were to point blank ask me if I am gay but to have to say it voluntarily, that is a whole other creature.

since my mom is married now

it is time to leave the nest. Dude is cool and all but that place aint big enough for the both of us.

ewwww @ i heard them fucking last night......dude's stroke is mad fast

anyway, I'm trying to get out of there asap. I was hoping that I could be gone by this weekend but since there is no gas turned on in the new place and the water won't be on until Monday, I am stuck. My mom really does not want me to leave but I think that it would be best for me to leave now, on a good note. When my boy D's mom got married, that shit turned ugly. He was living with them and they were making him pay rent and his mom and the new daddy ended up taking my boy to court. Shit was ugly and I am gonna do everything in my power to not end up that way.

And like I said before, dude is cool. I really don't have any qualms about him. As far as I can tell he is a cool dude. I will just have to wait and see.

Just a few things

1) I have been talking to them lately and as I said before, I feel myself slipping. I see it and yet, I do nothing. Good talk last night and I think we got to the bottom of a few more things but I still can't help but feel as though he may only be telling me what he thinks i need to hear. I told him that I still love him last night and right after I said it, I knew I would regret it today. I write this, regretting.

2) I had a weird dream last night that was full of so much. I saw my little cousin in it. He is actually not very little now and is in jail. I was on some steps and he was above me and I looked across the street and saw his mom. She had on a McDonald's uniform and was waving at us. I looked back at him and he was crying. I wanted to hug him but I couldn't. I didn't want to show my emotions like that because even in the dream, I felt it was "unmasculine". Right as I was thinking this, he actually curled up into my arms like a little baby and we just sat there. After that dream, I am thinking I should reach out to him. I still fear rejection and I really don't know what I can say to him but maybe the knowing that there is someone out here rooting for him will be enough.

3) I have been debating and I think that I have finally decided to go to some sort of vocal training. I have been having this problem of becoming hoarse after singing lately so I figure I must be doing something wrong. Even Though it cost 60 dollars an hour for the training, I think it is worth it.